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Colleague of mine (the one who let me feel the baby kicking few months ago) will be on her maternity leave and today is her last day. As she said good bye and asked for forgiveness if she did anything wrong, i did asked forgiveness from her too and asked her to pray for me too while touching her big tummy. When i said pray for me… i cant control my emotion… and tears shed like rain that pouring heavily outside. I hate this type of situation. I hate my mind. I hate myself. 

Current Feelings

Lost

Stuck…

Empty…

Stress…

Pain…

Down…

Confused…

Miserable

Feeling Better

This morning when i woke up, i was unable to open up my eyes widely as usual… the after effect of crying last night, my eyes become swollen.

I strongly believe that DH doesn't know that i was crying the whole night. Went to sleep early around 8pm and just informed DH that i want to rest, but actually I was sulking… sulking with my own body and life. Pity him. He tried to calm me but i just ignored him.

However, feeling better now.

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again. - Alex Tan

I am responsible. Although I may not be able to prevent the worst from happening, I am responsible for my attitude toward the inevitable misfortunes that darken life. Bad things do happen; how I respond to them defines my character and the quality of my life. I can choose to sit in perpetual sadness, immobilized by the gravity of my loss, or I can choose to rise from the pain and treasure the most precious gift I have – life itself.  - Walter Anderson

So easy?

Untuk mereka yang tidak tahu, Jimmy Shanley dan isteri sudah tidak tinggal sebumbung selepas 20 hari bernikah. Yang terbaru, Jimmy telah memfailkan permohonan kembali taat dan nusyuz. Semua ini dilakukan demi anak di dalam kandungannya. Satu langkah yang baik kerana bercerai atau tidak, anak tersebut tetap memerlukan kasih sayang seorang ayah dan ibu. – Beautiful Nara

Someone able to get pregnant even just being together for 20 days!!! How could it be really possible?? My mind really cant accept those kind of news.. when im struggling here forever! 

Left Out

Sorry, this post again my rambling about my so called ‘beautiful and interesting’ infertility life. At this point of time, i am so down. Chatted with a good friend of mine, who happen to be male, who told me, ‘my wife is pregnant’ 3 months. I seriously don't know how to react. Thankfully the conversation was through online, so he could not see my face reaction.

In my circle of friends, every one has moved on to the next stage of their life. Me, being among those who married early in that group, still stuck in the middle of no where. I feel left out totally. I don't know how to react to them when i meet them in person. Although i always ended up so caring asking about how their pregnancy going on, I'm not sure is my face looked normal or not.

They have the common things to talk about, pregnancies, babies. nursery and schools. I am left out, although i always join in the conversation, specially in the office when all the other ladies are either pregnant or already have babies, its not from my own experience. All from my observations which cant be real experiences!

My mind started to see who else in my circle of friends/relative who’s still childless and yeah… there is one friend of mine who got married 2 months early b4 me. Called her and talked to her for a while. She seems very strong and confident. I wish I can be like her…

On the other note, another male friend of me asked hows life going. I answered ‘so so’ and this is what i got reply from him.

life is quite unpredictable, but telling the truth i always admire u. u are a brave girl!

Didnt expect that answer from him at all!

Receive 2 positive energy from 2 different people today. Hope it helps to divert my mind :)

Why?

• Why it must be this hard to be a mom?
• Why all i see is pregnant women who ‘accidently’ got pregnant when they don't even try?
• Why all those who doesn't want kids blessed with kids while those who dying to have at least one doesn't even close to pregnancy?
• Why there are lots of people still throw away their babies within the hours of the birth?
• Why people still go for abortions??
• Why there is no shortcuts to be pregnant for IF?
• Why my heart is so heavy and i feel like want to cry out loud?
• Do i really deserved this?
• Am i being punished for all my sins?
• Why Me?

Weak

I never thought i could be so weak and green with envy on what others has. Just looked at one of a ‘friend’ picture holding her beautiful kids and all was smiling wide. Instead of happy for their happy family… the feeling of ‘life is not fair’ conquer everything. I hope i can be more stronger and wise…

Weird

Its kinda weird when i don't take any medicine… including the folic acid everyday since my AF starts last month where i decided to “take rest” and now i am too eager to AF to show up so that i can continue the treatment no matter what is the outcome will be.

Well, my mind never took rest anyway!

Speechless

Was so bored and was looking at fb application and tried this particular application on “the best day of your life” and the result was

“ When you’ll have baby!”

I was just trying that application and seriously doesn't expect this as an answer…. and i started to cry

EDD

 

But im not PG! I was just hoping for a baby to arrive ‘raya’ next year… seems like it never mean to be for this cycle!

Useless

Thinking whether should i continue the treatment now or wait first before the next round. Feel so helpless and useless.

9dpo

It seems like its not IB and AF showing up. Called my RE and the nurse said it could be and AF and she made appointment for tomorrow morning. The new cycle started yesterday and the cycle days is only 21 for this time. sigh~~

Can fertility problems cause depression?

 

Yes, fertility problems can lead to depression. The expectations you had about how your life was "supposed" to work may not be playing out the way you'd hoped they would. The loss of the family you'd imagined having with your partner can repeat month after month. Feelings that your own body is letting you down can feel like a betrayal.

Most women grow up believing what they learned in high school — that it's easy to get pregnant. For many women, especially younger women, not conceiving may be the first really big disappointment they've had to deal with as an adult.

 
After realizing that nature isn't cooperating with your plans, you may begin to get more active in your plan to conceive by using ovulation predictor kits and basal body temperature charts. If those measures fail, you may feel as though another expectation about what should have worked is gone, and you can begin to have a sense of inadequacy.

As one expectation after another fails to materialize, feelings of loss and depression can begin to set in. If your friends and siblings are beginning to start their own families, it can make you feel worse about your difficulty conceiving.

For some women, feelings of depression may last for several days each month after they get their period. For others, the feelings remain, week after week. When depression gets in the way of being the person you used to be, seeing a mental health professional who specializes in reproductive issues can be very helpful.

By Babycenter