Rambling

Last Sunday when me and DH went to movie, we had plenty of time before the movie starts. So had our dinner and start talking few things about this TTC. In early days of treatment, we use to go together to clinic but since his actual presence is only needed on the IUI day, I'll go alone.

Let him know that Monday morning i need to go to LPPKN. He kind of not interested. He said he’s lazy with this TTC thing. Try and try and no success. During the IUI #1, his SA count was 40 million. If we take 40 million as a minimum count, if BD was done for 3 time during the ovulation it will be 120 million. Yet, none of those met the little egg. Its frustrating. I don't know how to console him.

Deep down in my heart, i want to go for IVF straight without IUI anymore. But, doctor at LPPKN doesn't allow IVF with just 1 IUI. Though i am so scared about IVF. How if its fails too? I’ve been reading a fair share of success and failed IVF stories. It hurts, although it is other person’s story. At the same time, really hoping for the IUI #2 to success. Prayers needed my dear friends.

(Pic source: Indah Khairani)

I find myself hopeful one day and depressed and beat down the next. Help me ya Allah! Sometimes i wonder if i was never made to conceive. This thought will always come and go regularly since in this 4.5 yrs, we failed to produced any single baby, not even miscarriage/ectopic/molar and what so ever. No... im not praying to have miscarriage/ectopic/molar its just the thought of not able to "make babies" that haunt me.

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Note - I cried like hell when reading this poem from this forum.

Speechless

Was so bored and was looking at fb application and tried this particular application on “the best day of your life” and the result was

“ When you’ll have baby!”

I was just trying that application and seriously doesn't expect this as an answer…. and i started to cry

Bloated

Remember me saying having stomach pain after the Pregnyl injection? It still continues until today… 7 days after. 2 days back, i called up the clinic and asked why im still having the pain even the ovulation its over and the nurse said, it shouldn't be the result of Pregnyl. It must be something else. But I'm not satisfied with the answer. Inform DH and we went to other clinic and the result was it must be the Pregnyl and the doctor don't want to give any medicine and to disturb the hormone.

So yesterday morning we went back to LPPKN, without an appointment beforehand. My stomach already grown big like 4 months pregnant by this time. DH much worried too. Need to wait till 1pm to meet the doctor even we already at the clinic by 9am. The doctor explained that yes, its the side effect from the medicine and its because having too much of mature follicle. My body never had matured follicle before. So doctor just asked me to take panadol and gave an day off.

Today the pain was ok but the stomach is still big and bloated. Hope it will be back to normal again.

When we are coming back from the clinic, DH was asking where we will be doing the aqiqah for the baby? at our house or at you mom’s place? I was like??? We don't even know we are successful this time or not how can u think about aqiqah? He was quite for a while then he start saying that he will be naming the kids later. Hmm, its clearly shows that DH is eagerly waiting to be a dad too even he hardly express his feelings. Sorry DH, cant give you child the past years and as for now :(

Dear my unborn child,

Im doing all this and facing all the pain because of you. I really hope one day you will be in my hand and playing with me and give me a wonderful smile.