Can't hide it anymore...!

First of all, i would like to apologize to all my TTC friends here for hiding something big all this while. I've been waiting for a right time to reveal it and i guess finally the time has come.

Pic source: Google

As some of you who already can guessed it, yes, we are having twins. It was my childhood dream to have twin kids and Alhamdullillah after all the struggles, Allah made it possible for us.

Here's the chronology of it

While im in my 2ww after the IUI, i kept on talking to the babies (since i had 4 good follicles) and really hoping for twins although i dont even know whether my IUI will be a success or not. I even created a ticker before i test the UPT.

I had my first ultrasound during 6 weeks when i had a terrible morning sickness. Doctor scanned and said that there is 2 sac and one with heartbeat and another without heartbeat.

The only thing that i can think of after the ultrasound was, i always wanted twins, its OK, at least i can see the both sacs together in the ultrasound and at least 1 has heartbeat and i was praying for the one that has heartbeat. 

When i was in 8 weeks into pregnancy (6th September), i had some spotting/bleeding. So went to HKL and after a long procedure and scan, the doctor said they can see 2 sacs too and 1 still doesnt have heartbeat. So the bleeding is because the one that doesnt have heartbeat is about to vanish (vanishing twins) and i should expect the bleeding to continue for few days. - Again i console myself and praying for the one that survived! 

On the very next day, we had our appointment at LPPKN. Mr hubs asked me whether there is chance for both babies doing ok and i just replied i dont think so since the HKL doc said the one is on the way to vanish. 

We told Dr G everything that happened and he just listened. Mr hubs was waiting outside when the ultrasound took place. To my surprise, Doc G confirms that there is 2 babies and both babies has heartbeat and both are active. I've started to cry and both my knees were shaking. Nurse asked mr hubs to come and when the doc showed him both babies and he smiles to his ears. His face is still in my mind, he was just so happy. Its really a miracle moment for both of us.

So, we knew we are having twins during our 2nd month. We decided to hide it from everyone including family members. Till now, only my parents, sister and some close friends knew that we are expecting twins. 

Actually we've wanted to wait till the babies are born to reveal this secret to TTC friends, but since the complications for twin babies is high, we need your prayers. I've reached the 7th month and its consider that the babies can be out anytime. The risk is higher.

We hope, everyone that reads this entry will pray for the safety of the both babies and the mother (me). Again, i am sorry for hiding it too long.

Miracles Do Happen! 

Allah Answers your prayers in 3 ways.

He says yes and gives it to you.
He says no and gives you better.
He says wait and gives you the best.

Dhuha

I cry every time listen to this doa and its meaning :`(

Limited

Yesterday when i was browsing through fb, this particular woman said hi and started conversation with me. Since i was bored, i continue to entertain her. But, the first question that she asked was, “So how are you? Is there any good news for you yet? My niece who just married last month is now pregnant. Awal rezeki dia.”

I'm so irritated with her question. Maybe she just concern. But if you are really concern about me, you should not ask that question first after giving your salam and you’ve been in my shoes before. You had your first child after 6 years if not mistaken. You should understand better about the sensitivity of an infertile soul. She is the same person who gave me the unwanted advice back then regarding LPPKN is bad and so on.

Because of this, i went offline from chat and put everyone in my ‘limited’ group. Those who are in that group will not able to see my wall post, my pictures and also will not able to see me online. Padan muka! I put everyone in that list too because i need some time to reorganize my friend list. Mean time, nobody will be going to disturb me in fb.

I really hope, if one day I've became a mom, i really hope i wont ask such questions to anyone and i really hope i will always be reminded of my infertile journey. Well, I've always been infertile.

Ya Allah,  please always remind me of all the pain that I've gone through and going through in this journey in all the phase of my life. I don't want to be in the “lupa daratan group”. Ya Rahman, please provide the courage to me to remain the same forever.

Rambling

Last Sunday when me and DH went to movie, we had plenty of time before the movie starts. So had our dinner and start talking few things about this TTC. In early days of treatment, we use to go together to clinic but since his actual presence is only needed on the IUI day, I'll go alone.

Let him know that Monday morning i need to go to LPPKN. He kind of not interested. He said he’s lazy with this TTC thing. Try and try and no success. During the IUI #1, his SA count was 40 million. If we take 40 million as a minimum count, if BD was done for 3 time during the ovulation it will be 120 million. Yet, none of those met the little egg. Its frustrating. I don't know how to console him.

Deep down in my heart, i want to go for IVF straight without IUI anymore. But, doctor at LPPKN doesn't allow IVF with just 1 IUI. Though i am so scared about IVF. How if its fails too? I’ve been reading a fair share of success and failed IVF stories. It hurts, although it is other person’s story. At the same time, really hoping for the IUI #2 to success. Prayers needed my dear friends.

(Pic source: Indah Khairani)

I find myself hopeful one day and depressed and beat down the next. Help me ya Allah! Sometimes i wonder if i was never made to conceive. This thought will always come and go regularly since in this 4.5 yrs, we failed to produced any single baby, not even miscarriage/ectopic/molar and what so ever. No... im not praying to have miscarriage/ectopic/molar its just the thought of not able to "make babies" that haunt me.

hCG Trigger

Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) trigger are used to stimulate the release of the egg during ovulation once get the expected mature follicle. Usually Pregnyl or Ovitdrel was used as a hCG trigger. Doctor prescribe me with the Pregnyl…(5000iu).

I had my Pregnyl last night 8pm (9/4/11). So i must be ovulate after 36 hours (8am 11/4/11) when the IUI (CD13) was scheduled.

I was not able to sleep last night. Mind was thinking about the IUI going to happen on Monday. Informed mom that there's some procedures going to happen on Monday and i didn't explain further to her to avoid her to worry much bout me. Need to tell her though; i need her prayers.

Ya Allah! Please give me strength to be strong as how U’ve given me till to-date.

 

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آَمَنُوا اصْبِرُوا وَصَابِرُوا وَرَابِطُوا وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ لَعَلَّكُمْ تُفْلِحُونَ

Believers, be steadfast, and vie in steadfastness, *141 stand firm in your faith, and hold Allah in fear that you may attain true success. – Surah Al Imran 200

Buah Zuriat / Buah Hawa

‘Buah Zuriat’ or ‘Buah Hawa’ is something that only available in Mecca. It is for those who are having difficulties in getting pregnant like us. So, i asked my friend to buy it for me and alhamdullillah, i’ve received it few months back.


Its not easy to get to the content of it. It is very2 hard! I have to get the help of my friend (since we dont have the big chopper at home) and also the help of DH.


 

This is how the ‘Buah Zuriat’ is look like! 

 

The first layer of it. The full force was used to get till this stage. 

The final layer… with the help of my friend. 

There is a lot of methods to boil and drink it. It is advisable to boil 2 fruit together. What i did was, boil it and put it in the jug (i boil once every week and not daily). I did recite the following doa to it :-

• AL-ANBIYA'AYAT 89 - Doa Nabi Zakariya

وَزَكَرِيَّا إِذْ نَادَى رَبَّهُ رَبِّ لَا تَذَرْنِي فَرْدًا وَأَنْتَ

خَيْرُ الْوَارِثِينَ

(21:89) And (We showed a favour) to Zacharias, when he invoked his Lord, saying, "O Lord, do not leave me childless though Thou alone art the best Inheritor".

• AL-IMRAN AYAT 38

هُنَالِكَ دَعَا زَكَرِيَّا رَبَّهُ قَالَ رَبِّ هَبْ لِي مِنْ

لَدُنْكَ ذُرِّيَّةً طَيِّبَةً إِنَّكَ سَمِيعُ الدُّعَاءِ

(3:38) Then Zechariah prayed to his Lord: 'O Lord! Grant me from Yourself out of Your grace the gift of a goodly offspring, for indeed You alone heed all Prayers.'

• AL-ANBIYA'AYAT 30

أَوَلَمْ يَرَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا أَنَّ السَّمَوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضَ

كَانَتَا رَتْقًا فَفَتَقْنَاهُمَا وَجَعَلْنَا مِنَ الْمَاءِ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ

حَيٍّ أَفَلَا يُؤْمِنُونَ

(21:30) Have not the people, who have disbelieved (the Message), ever considered this: the heavens and the earth were at first one mass; then We parted them,  and created every living thing from water?  Do they not acknowledge (that this is Our Creation)?

 

And we, husband and wife been/will drinking it until this Friday = 44 days (or till the color change to clear water). Started to drink it from the first day (CD1) from my previous cycle. Adding water to it and boiling it when needed.

Well, Im just trying my level best :)

Clove

A friend of me said (used to be infertile too)that, those who had difficulty to get pregnant if try to recite Surah Annur – ayat 40 for 41 times and blow to the clove and eat 1 for 40 days, miracles may happen.

أَوْ كَظُلُمَـتٍ فِى بَحْرٍ لُّجِّىٍّ يَغْشَـهُ مَوْجٌ مِّن فَوْقِهِ مَوْجٌ مِّن فَوْقِهِ سَحَابٌ

ظُلُمَـتٌ بَعْضُهَا فَوْقَ بَعْضٍ إِذَآ أَخْرَجَ يَدَهُ لَمْ يَكَدْ يَرَاهَا وَمَن لَّمْ يَجْعَلِ

اللَّهُ لَهُ نُوراً فَمَا لَهُ مِن نُورٍ

Or [they are] like darknesses within an unfathomable sea which is covered by waves, upon which are waves, over which are clouds - darknesses, some of them upon others. When one puts out his hand [therein], he can hardly see it. And he to whom Allah has not granted light - for him there is no light.

 

I’ve tried it before… back in the 2009… even its not taste that good for the sake of baby… but i’m still with empty womb. Maybe the right time have not come yet.

Doa Nabi Zakaria

وَزَكَرِيَّا إِذْ نَادَى رَبَّهُ رَبِّ لاَ تَذَرْنِي فَرْداً وَأَنتَ

خَيْرُالوَارِثِينَ

And (remember) Zakariya, when he cried to his Lord: "O my Lord! leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors." Surah Anbiya (89)