Without Uterus

Hi everyone. Me and the twins are doing good. They already 6 months now. All praises to Allah.

I do receive lots of email asking opinion and ppl who share their stories with me. I do find time to reply all of them. I would like to help my fellow ttcian the least that i can...

Recently someone commented on one of my post... my heard really goes for her. I couldnt imagine how strong she is and how she face her daily life. She was born without uterus. How could it be?? What treatment she can do without an uterus??? She wrote something to her husband which i would like to share with everyone.


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I feel so bad for dragging you along in this...
Sometimes I wish I never got married
So that I'll be alone in this
And not put anyone through this pain

Sometimes while you're sleeping
I just look at you and feel sorry for making you go through this...
And other times I think to myself Why should I feel sorry for you?
You are going to have kids with or without me
The pain of not having them will be taken away from you one day or another
You will laugh, smile, cry, be upset, you will teach your son to ride a bicycle, you will kiss your daughter's forehead, you will drop your children to school, you will shop for your wife to get her a gift with your children, you will carry them on your shoulders, you will be in a labor room one day..........seeing your wife go through the pain of having your children and you will love her for it, you will appreciate her for it.....

and that wife won't be me...

While you're doing all that, I'll probably be at home lying in bed and crying my heart out like I am right now or even worse.

I remember a time when you told me 'What I have with you, I can never have with anyone else'....

Well...what you can have with anyone else, you can never have with me..

Sometimes I wish that you would be with me in this forever and that you would be patient and that we will wait and be content with whatever Allah has written....if we don't have it here, we'll have it in Jannah.

But I know you will be a father one day..a father to the children of another woman.......and I only pray that you both have all the happiness in the world.


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This is a big test for her and i wish Allah gives her all the strength in this world so that she will able to live this life peacefully.

Barren But Blessed: A Muslim Sister’s Battle With Infertility

Beautiful story that I've read over the weekend. Its time to share with my virtual friends.

By J Samia Mair

J. Samia Mair finds motherhood in an unexpected place at the end of her battle to conceive.

The kingdom of the heavens and earth belongs to Allah. He creates whatever He wills. He gives daughters to whoever He wishes, or He gives sons to whoever He wishes; or He gives them both sons and daughters; And He makes whoever He wishes barren. Truly He is All-Knowing, All-Powerful(Quran, 42: 46-47)

“I don’t see the heartbeat. I don’t see the heartbeat!”

Neither my husband nor the emergency room doctor responded to me. My husband stared straight ahead at the monitor searching the gray and white lines for any signs of life. The doctor pressed the cold wet probe down firmer, moving it haphazardly across my abdomen. My heart sank. I thought we had a chance this time.

This would not be my first miscarriage. I had suffered several already. But this was the first time that we had actually seen a heartbeat. What an amazing sight. If I had been told that my child was going to have five heads and six arms, it would not have mattered.

It was my second in vitro fertilization procedure. None of my eggs were fertilized in the first one. Prior to that, I had five artificial inseminations—again with no success. Even before the years of medical intervention, we spent over a year trying to increase our chances of pregnancy by testing for ovulation and other less scientific methods — all to no avail. I braced myself for the inevitable disappointment that would interrupt the uncomfortable silence.

“I’m sorry. The fetus did not make it.”

Although the doctor merely confirmed what I already knew in my heart, hearing it affected me more than I had expected. It’s hard to describe now but it was more than emotional trauma. I felt actual physical pain from his words. It was as if I had been hit with a forceful blow.

I looked to my husband who was already staring at me. I could tell he was holding back his emotions. I felt so defective. I had all these specialized organs that just did not work, that were virtually useless. I could not fulfil one of my main purposes for being. I had completely failed in something I was born to do.

On an intellectual level I knew that I was not defective nor a failure as a woman. I knew that my worth transcended my ability to procreate. But shame and inadequacy hit me on a level where reason does not tread.

My husband could not have been more supportive. He was always far more worried about my welfare than his own whenever the bad news struck. He made it perfectly clear to me that he did not need a biological child. Yet, I still felt guilty. He was a young man that would not have an heir because of me.

I looked at the monitor one more time. At that moment, I knew that I would never be in this position again. Although my work would pay for one more in vitro procedure, I had had enough. No more painful shots in the belly, no more ultrasounds counting egg follicles, no more anxious phone calls to the infertility doctor learning my HCG levels, and no more emergency trips to the hospital. I had learned far more about my reproductive system than I had ever hoped to know.

My husband and I had always wanted to care for an orphan. We decided it was time to move in that direction. We investigated our options, completed mounds and mounds of paperwork, and then waited. We requested twins hoping to keep two children from the same family together. We were told that a referral of twins was very rare and not to expect it. Still, we hoped for twins as we waited and waited.



Allah (swt) knew just how to help me accept that I was barren: desensitization therapy! While I was trying to keep a pregnancy or waiting for the referral, there were nearly twenty babies born to female co-workers or to the wives of male co-workers on my office floor. So many women became pregnant those years that jokes started circulating around the office that if you drink the water on the fifth floor you will get pregnant. The first six or seven baby showers were very difficult. The expectant parents’ joy only reminded me of my sorrow. I would remind myself that most of the Mothers of the Believers (RA) were barren. I had no reason to complain. By the tenth baby shower, though, I was blessedly desensitized. I no longer wondered why I could not have children. I no longer felt pangs of jealousy. I no longer experienced sorrow at others’ joy. SubhanAllah, Allah (swt) knows what is best for His creation.



Although I had accepted that I could not give birth, I still could not bring myself to fix up the baby’s room. I thought a room full of baby things would be too painful to pass everyday in case something went wrong. I decided not to buy anything until the referral came. We continued to wait. Then the phone rang.



“Twin girls!”



When we heard the news, my husband and I blurted out simultaneously: “I have to quit my job” and “I have to make more money!” We looked at each other and laughed and cried – there is nothing as telling as unedited visceral utterances.



I remember so vividly the moment they handed us the girls—it was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn’t believe that we had been entrusted with such an awesome responsibility, that we had been blessed with so much love.



The other day one of our three-year-olds came into the room where I was praying, sat down and made dhikr, saying “Subhan’Allah” a hundred times. After she finished she asked me: “Is Allah proud of me?” I replied: “I think very proud.” She gave me a big hug and ran off to play. Later that day, her sister ran into my room with a big smile on her face. She had put on her pink hijab by herself. Part of it was upside down and the other part hung sideways on her little head. She announced proudly: “I’m a beautiful Muslim girl!” I smiled back: “Yes, you are my darling—a beautiful Muslim girl, both inside and out.”



I try to thank Allah (swt) each day for the two beautiful blessings that He has entrusted to us. I pray that we raise them to be good Muslims and that they come to Him surrendering and with a sound heart. I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am so grateful now that I was unable to conceive. If I had been able to give birth, these precious wonders would have never entered our lives. I thank Allah (swt) for helping me to be patient and content with His Decree. And I remind myself often that hardships are ultimately not hardships at all with trust in Allah (swt).


“We will test you with a certain amount of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and life and fruits. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when disaster strikes them, say, “We belong to Allah and to Him we will return.” Those are the people who will have blessings and mercy from their Lord; they are the ones who are guided. (Quran, 2: 154 -156)

Limited

Yesterday when i was browsing through fb, this particular woman said hi and started conversation with me. Since i was bored, i continue to entertain her. But, the first question that she asked was, “So how are you? Is there any good news for you yet? My niece who just married last month is now pregnant. Awal rezeki dia.”

I'm so irritated with her question. Maybe she just concern. But if you are really concern about me, you should not ask that question first after giving your salam and you’ve been in my shoes before. You had your first child after 6 years if not mistaken. You should understand better about the sensitivity of an infertile soul. She is the same person who gave me the unwanted advice back then regarding LPPKN is bad and so on.

Because of this, i went offline from chat and put everyone in my ‘limited’ group. Those who are in that group will not able to see my wall post, my pictures and also will not able to see me online. Padan muka! I put everyone in that list too because i need some time to reorganize my friend list. Mean time, nobody will be going to disturb me in fb.

I really hope, if one day I've became a mom, i really hope i wont ask such questions to anyone and i really hope i will always be reminded of my infertile journey. Well, I've always been infertile.

Ya Allah,  please always remind me of all the pain that I've gone through and going through in this journey in all the phase of my life. I don't want to be in the “lupa daratan group”. Ya Rahman, please provide the courage to me to remain the same forever.

Theirs

I’ve been reading the story of ‘Nafastari’ and ‘Mawar’ for quite some time. But i dont know what caused nafastari’s death. I just googled ‘Nafastari’ and got the answer for me my question, by accident with horse. He is my age, father of 2. His wife is just 26. Too young for this test but Allah knows what is the best for his servants.

Just heard a news of a relative of mine, her husband has azoospermia = zero sperm. The couple are still young too and they may try IVF or the only choice is adoption. I'm not sure what and where they want to start the treatment. After all, there’re not in KL.

Been thinking of both of them regularly and my heart really goes for them. May Allah give all the strength in this world for them to continue this life as a normal person.

Visitors

The most i have friends from outside Malaysia would be less than 5 countries but i had visitors from 45 countries to my blog.

One common thing from all this people that came here is ‘Infertility’. Well, we are not alone. It is an international problem. Lets hold our hands together, be strong and try harder each cycle and reach our dream sooner or later.

Worlds Oddest Mother

Yesterday while surfing on Oprah's website, bump into news related to Octomom, Nadya Suleman. Read about her long time ago and i read about her again last night. Then i surf more about here and i found one forum which provide 'Worlds Oddest Mother'.

Let me warn you, i am not responsible for the roller coaster emotions that you are going to have after go through this entry.

Mother of Most Surviving Children From a Single Birth (8 babies)

Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman Gutierrez, known as Octomom in the media, is an American woman who came to international attention when she gave birth to octuplets in January 2009. The Suleman octuplets are only the second full set of octuplets to be born alive in the United States and, one week after their birth, surpassed the previous worldwide survival rate for a complete set of octuplets set by the Chukwu octuplets in 1998. The circumstances of their high order multiple birth have led to controversy in the field of assisted reproductive technology as well as an investigation by the Medical Board of California of the fertility specialist involved. Public reaction turned negative when it was discovered that the single mother already had other six young children at home at the time and was not financially independent. Suleman, who was unemployed and on public assistance programs at the time, conceived the octuplets and her six older children via in-vitro fertilization.


World's Youngest Mother (5 years old)

Into the hospital at Pisco (Peru) came a tired, ragged Indian woman from the foothills of the Andes. She led by the hand a shy little girl, scarcely three feet tall, with chestnut braids and an enormously bulging abdomen. Pointing to the frightened child, the Indian woman begged surgeon Geraldo Lozada to exorcise the evil spirits which had taken possession of her. Certain that little Lina Medina had an abdominal tumor, Dr. Lozada examined her and received the surprise of his life when he discovered she was eight months pregnant


World's Oldest First Time Mother (70 years old)



Meet Rajo Devi Lohan, the Indian woman who, in November 2008, gave birth to her first child - at the age of 70. She said she had waited for more than 40 years for this child and that she plans to breastfeed her for at least three years. And, who knows, maybe she will.


The Mother With the Most Births (69 kids)



Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782), was a peasant from Shuya, Russia. Though not noteworthy himself, his first wife, Valentina Vassilyeva, set the record for most children birthed by a single woman. She gave birth to total of 69 children; however, few other details are known of her life, such as her date of birth or death. She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 births. 67 of the 69 children born survived infancy.


World's First Male Mother



Thomas Beatie, who was born a woman but lives as a man in Oregon after surgery and hormone treatment, was the first man to become a mother. Beatie, 34, who is legally a man but kept female reproductive organs when he had a sex-change operation 10 years ago, made headlines around the world and was dubbed the "pregnant man" before giving birth to a baby girl on June 29. After giving birth he did not go back on the male hormone testosterone that he took after his sex change, because he wanted to have another baby. Beatie's wife, Nancy, 46, whom he married five years ago, was unable to conceive because of a prior hysterectomy. That is why he had a baby himself, through artificial insemination using donor sperm and Beatie's own egg.


World's Oldest Mother of Twins (70 years old)



She was utterly determined to have a son. The fact that to do so would make 70-year-old Omkari Panwar the world's oldest mother didn't even cross her mind. Her resolve was matched by her husband Charan Singh Panwar, 77. To pay for the IVF treatment vital to producing a male heir to the family's smallholdings, the retired farmer sold his buffalos, mortgaged his land, spent his life savings and took out a credit card loan. And it all paid off when Mrs Panwar gave birth to twins - a boy and girl - by emergency aaesarean section in a hospital in Muzaffarnagar, seven hours drive north ofthe Indian capital New Delhi.


World's Most Prolific Surrogate Mother (12 babies)



Surrogate mother Carole Horlock, 42, has delivered 12 babies in 13 years - including triplets, setting the world record for the most prolific surrogate mother. She told the ABC News program "20/20." : "When I first started being a surrogate I expected to do it once," she said. "I hadn't looked past that. But I enjoyed it so much. Before I actually had given birth to the baby I wanted to do it again." Surrogates receive an average $25,000 to $30,000 for their services, "20/20" said. The downsides include in-vitro fertilization, morning sickness, bed rest, Caesarean sections and stretch marks.

Horlock will make no demands on the parents of the triplets beyond requesting an annual letter and photograph to let her know how they are doing. But her surrogacy experiences have not all been positive. Her father rarely speaks to her, distressed that she is effectively giving away his grandchildren.


World's Smallest Mother (2ft 4in)



The world's smallest mother is about to give birth for the third time - despite warnings she is risking her life.

Stacey Herald, who is just 2ft 4in tall, was told that becoming pregnant could kill her, but bravely defied doctors to have two babies half her height. The 35-year-old from Dry Ridge, Kentucky in the U.S. suffers from Osteogenesis Imperfecta, which causes brittle bones and underdeveloped lungs, and means she failed to grow. Mrs Herald, who uses a wheelchair, and her husband Will, who is 5ft 9in, are eagerly awaiting the birth of their third baby, due in the next four weeks.


Mother of the World's Tinniest Baby



Mahajabeen Sheikh gave birth to Rumaisa Rahman on September 19 2004 at Loyola University Medical Center. The baby weighed just 8.6 oz and was only 10 inches long and replaced Madeline Mann, born in 1989, as the world's smallest baby. At 1.3 ounces smaller than Madeline Mann, Rumaisa Rahman weighed less than a can of beer. She was born just 25 weeks and six days into her mother's pregnancy.


Mother With the Longest Interval Between Kids (41 years)



Elizabeth Ann Buttle had two kids, Belinda and Joseph, which is nothing special in itself. Belinda Buttle was born on May 19, 1956 when Elizabeth Ann Buttle was 19. The amazing part is the interval between the birth of Belinda and Joseph, it is the longest interval between births ever.

Joseph Buttle was born on November 20, 1997 when Elizabeth Ann Buttle was 60, an interval of 41 years 185 days. If you're familiar with the song 'I am my own grandpa!', well, Joseph's sister was old enough to be his own grandma!


Mom with no legs and one arm

Melek, 24, becomes a mother of nine-months-old Semih. Despite of having no legs and only one arm, she still successfully had baby thanks to caesarean section.


Melek and Mehmet are enjoying their endless happiness with their son Semih.

(Source: Globaltimes)

No Title

Colleague of mine (the one who let me feel the baby kicking few months ago) will be on her maternity leave and today is her last day. As she said good bye and asked for forgiveness if she did anything wrong, i did asked forgiveness from her too and asked her to pray for me too while touching her big tummy. When i said pray for me… i cant control my emotion… and tears shed like rain that pouring heavily outside. I hate this type of situation. I hate my mind. I hate myself. 

Baby?

Bumped into my friendster blog post which i wrote few months after being married.

Its been 51 days since i get married. Now, ppl around me start asking…. ‘any good news?’ or ‘dah ada ker?’. hmmm, i dont know why, from last time till now, ppl used to ask to question regularly once the person get married. My sis got a baby after 5 years of married life.

Even one of my hubby’s relative asked me, ‘are you planning coz ur still studying?’. commonlah… when i planned to get married, i knew that im studying and im working. i took up the challenge to get married as a student and also working women. I dont have to plan for this. Its a rizk from Allah. i dont know why people dont understand about this. We need to wait for the time to come.

This people make me crazy… i need some peace of mind. If ada rezeki… adalah tu… Rileks la oii… baru jer kawin… nak gak honeymoon dgn hubby… if dah ada baby… masa more on baby…. Selagi tak da tu… boleh lah honeymoon lagi. But it doesnt mean that im saying i dont want kids for now.  I just dont care and i leave the thing to Allah. He knows well when is the right time to give.

After 4 years 4 months, im still childless :(

2ww – Part 2

Today mark the end of 2ww (14dpiui), i should not test the upt until today at least. But the spotting then followed by AF visited me first.  A strong person knows how to keep their life in order, even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “im ok” with a smile. Thank you for the encouring words dear friends… i am really ok :)

As i told you guys before, I'm surrounded with pregnant women's at office. Today, when i was sitting beside a friend of mine, she suddenly took my hand and put at her womb… to feel the baby kicking!  I was speechless for few minutes. It was my first time, I've never feel the baby kicking before even with my sister in law’s or my sister. MasyaAllah! It was amazing. Unforgettable! Thank you dear friend to let me feel it, really appreciate it although everyday, when i saw ur baby bump, i was envy to death.

11/11/11

People keep on updating their facebook and twitter saying “Planning to get an 11/11/11 baby? This is your week! Good luck :)”. Its so so annoying! It must be so easy for them. They may be able to plan when they want the baby… but dont they know that they can only plan? There’s someone else who plays a big role? The God?? ..and not everyone is lucky as them?

Left Out

Sorry, this post again my rambling about my so called ‘beautiful and interesting’ infertility life. At this point of time, i am so down. Chatted with a good friend of mine, who happen to be male, who told me, ‘my wife is pregnant’ 3 months. I seriously don't know how to react. Thankfully the conversation was through online, so he could not see my face reaction.

In my circle of friends, every one has moved on to the next stage of their life. Me, being among those who married early in that group, still stuck in the middle of no where. I feel left out totally. I don't know how to react to them when i meet them in person. Although i always ended up so caring asking about how their pregnancy going on, I'm not sure is my face looked normal or not.

They have the common things to talk about, pregnancies, babies. nursery and schools. I am left out, although i always join in the conversation, specially in the office when all the other ladies are either pregnant or already have babies, its not from my own experience. All from my observations which cant be real experiences!

My mind started to see who else in my circle of friends/relative who’s still childless and yeah… there is one friend of mine who got married 2 months early b4 me. Called her and talked to her for a while. She seems very strong and confident. I wish I can be like her…

On the other note, another male friend of me asked hows life going. I answered ‘so so’ and this is what i got reply from him.

life is quite unpredictable, but telling the truth i always admire u. u are a brave girl!

Didnt expect that answer from him at all!

Receive 2 positive energy from 2 different people today. Hope it helps to divert my mind :)

Relying On Science

Exactly what's in my mind… i guess, in every infertile’s mind! Taken from a fellow blogger MissConception. I just copy paste everything from her post title ‘Relying On Science’ below. 

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Every infertile wishes that their baby could be conceived the old fashioned way. Intimately, in the privacy of our own home.

We hope that we are given the opportunity to make a child through love, passion, and romance. That we could bring a new life into existence the same beautiful way that all of our more fertile friends and relatives are able to.

When that option is taken away, it can be a difficult thing to swallow. The dream, although perhaps silly, has to be given up. It's hard to exchange what should be a romantic evening for a sterile room and stirrups. To accept that someone other than your husband will be physically trying to impregnate you. It feels so unfair that instead of kisses you both get a plastic cup and a catheter.

No woman wants to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for a stranger to poke and prod around their lady parts. I won't even go into the hassle of swallowing or injecting hormones, only to feel like a maniac for half of a month.

Accepting my lot in this IF journey has taken a while. I won't lie and say that I am okay with how it's all gone down. I have felt jipped and cheated out of a truly magical moment. It's taken a long time for me to come to terms that creating a child will be clinical, not the idyllic evening I dreamed it would be. For me to move on to the next stage of this journey, I had to be okay with it. I had to come to terms with the reality of our situation and push through my original plans.

And if you know me, you know that when my plans are changed I am not a happy girl.

After reading a blog by Still A Guest Room, I was able to move past my self imposed barrier. She helped me realize that even though my original dream conception did not pan out, there can still be beauty in IUI & IVF. Through a description of her experience, I feel better about what I will have to rely on to get me pregnant.

I am posting her blog below for you to read. If you are struggling with the same "letting go" issues that I was, this may help you see the intimacy in Assisted Reproduction.

The Beauty of ART

When we learn that our babies will be conceived in the doctor's office rather than the bedroom, we are disappointed.  Our disappointment stems not only from the fact that we know we need medical intervention to conceive, but also from the loss of intimacy in the baby making process.  Making a baby is supposed to happen in a moment of fun, passion, and love.  Conception normally results from the most intimate act between a man and woman.  Instead, we conceive with stirrups, catheters, and ultrasound machines.  To the outside world, this method of conception appears cold, sterile, and definitely second-rate.

I had my first embryo transfer this past Sunday, and it was truly a moment of beauty.  Before going into the procedure room, I was given pictures of my two embryos.  I gazed at them and dreamed of the children they might become.  Once I was situated on the table, my husband held my hand, and together we watched the screen as the liquid containing our two little embryos floated into my uterus.  I cried, of course, and A teared up but managed to keep his composure.  Then we received photos of our little ones' first few moments in their mommy.  Whether we get pregnant or not, it was a moment I will always treasure.  It was intimate, sweet, and potentially life-changing...everything making a baby should be.

I think that in comparing ART with "natural" conception, people often romanticize sex.  But let's be honest, sex, especially sex when you're trying to conceive, is not necessarily pretty.  It often includes ovulation predictor kits, making sure you use the right sexual positions, propping yourself on a pillow to avoid losing any little swimmers, or even injecting "sperm friendly" lubricant into yourself.  None of these things should really be categorized as romantic.  So for now, I am letting go of the sadness of having to conceive with assistance, and instead relishing in the extra moments I got with Bit and Bitty.  I feel privileged to have been so intimately involved in the beginning of their precious lives.

* For now, this little blogger is considered pregnant until her BETA test proves otherwise!

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I’ve learnt that, between infertiles, there is a lot of common specially anything regarding feelings. Well, sometimes its feel better to know that we are not alone.

Huh!

My head spinning when i read through a journey of another infertile soul who gone through 4 IUI’s and 9 IVF’s. I cant continue to read her story… im stunned! I wonder how strong she is and i dont even able to imagine myself in her shoes and im not sure whether will i be continue treatment to that extend.

What a fertile woman doesn't know

 

What a fertile woman doesn't know is . . .

the pain an infertile woman feels when she wakes up in the morning to an empty uterus, empty arms, and an empty heart.

why we keep the doors to our spare bedrooms shut - because we can't bear the thought that one of those rooms should be a nursery by now.

that we would die to experience her morning sickness or her swollen feet, just to know what it's like to have a baby growing inside of us.

how badly we want to have sleepless nights with a colic-y baby, more so than we want to go out drinking with our girlfriends.

that we go grocery shopping early in the morning, just to avoid running into her pregnant belly or her adorable toddler.

that while she is jealous of our latest vacation, we envy her messy house, her unwashed hair, and her stained T-shirt.

how difficult it is to sit through a baby shower when all we can think about is, "Will I ever experience one of these?"

the tortured feeling of not being able to give our parents grandchildren or make our husbands fathers.

why we dread going to family functions, change the channel when we see holiday commercials, and avoid the baby aisle at Target like the plague.

what it feels like to be trapped in a room and be the only woman in that room who has not experienced motherhood.

what it feels like to be trapped in a world where the only thing that makes a "real woman" is the ability to birth a child.

the pain an infertile woman feels when she lays her head on her pillow at night, and all she can think about is her empty uterus, empty arms, and empty heart.

Taken : From IF to when

The Claim Issue

Since I'm working with Government of Malaysia, I’m entitle to claim the treatment fee’s for this primary infertility if I'm having treatment with government clinic/hospitals. LPPKN is government clinic under Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development.

I was just allowed to claimed last week and i received the letter from the doctor to submit all the documents to my department.

I submitted everything last week. Last Friday, my boss was asked me about the claim saying why im only claim now for the whole year. It seems like he dont understand when i explain to him that i was actually waiting for the letter from the doctor.

Last week, i received the forms which was already signed by the big boss and today i received this letter and they give me back the forms which the signed page by the big boss was gone and they printed new form for that particular page before returning it to me.

Can you see the office politic here? Even im entitle for the claim they rejected me. Im pretty sure they will reject it next yr too saying that those bills are for the yr 2010 and cant pay for it.

Infertility Etiquette

Taken from Resolve.  Its not for us who are infertile… its others etiquette towards infertile couples and how they should treat them.

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Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

• They will eventually conceive a baby.
• They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
• They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Unwanted Advice

One of the person that i know for couple of years now pregnant with baby no 3. Whats the big deal you may ask? Well, she is just like us who are TTCing for 6 yrs to get her first baby 2 yrs back. She again conceived another baby last yr and now currently pregnant again. As for me, Im seeing it as rezk of Allah for all the patience she has for the first 6 yrs of her married life and i congratulate her.

In reply, i received the most common question, the very sensitive question “u dah ada good news blm”? I just said, “still trying... quite depressing though... but its ok... ujian Allah :)”. After a while, I received another msg saying that:

never stop praying kan.. be near to HIM and ofcourse Allah nak kiter berusaha jugak...so you shld go and seek medical advise dear.. jgn dok tunggu for miracle to happen.. we shld usaha towards it kay..

i replied in short, yes im under treatment at LPPKN.

Again, she replied:

frankly speaking i went to LPPKN too after i finished all my savings at KL Fertility & Gynaecology Centre with Dr Shant.. and the treatment sucks.. mmglah murah but the medicie given so low dose and takder effect lgsg...

stressed me up, i went to klinik naidu and got good news, conceived .. trylah go there.. sentul medical centre..

and my reply was “tak per la kak. before this i went to one fertility kat pj... dah byk spent kat situ. baru start sini and i feel confident here. So far doing good here. Tak nak la asyik2 dok tukar.”

Maybe she want to be generous and want to suggest the clinic that she went. I understood. But, the thing is, im ok if she said that all this while before this. Or before i told her im with LPPKN. Why now? For ppl like us, sometimes the advice given when we dont ask for it is very sensitive. And being her having difficulties having kid 6yrs, i thought she would understand… but im wrong again. Ppl will forget eh?

If its worked out for her, doesnt mean it will be working for me! Lots of ppl suggesting so many places… im not in a situation to try all the places that suggested to me. Its torturing ok! TTCing its not easy! Infertility is the most difficult time of your life spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. I dont expect ppl who didnt go through TTC to understand any of this, but then… its sad when those who did still dont understand.