Congrats

I miss blogging. Time has changed. Lots of blogger has quit blogging for the past 2-3 years and has moved to Facebook and Instagram.

Me on the other hand, stop blogging for good. Been busy with work and kids. Once in a while will drop by to visit the blog and other blogroll.

I missed lots of stories. TTC stories.

               Some has naturally conceived and delivered.

               Some conceived and delivered via treatment.

               Some has successful adoption.

               Some has separated.

I am here again just to wish all the TTCian who has succeeded no matter via which option.... i am so happy for you.

Congratulations!!

and for those who still in the roller coaster of trying, keep on trying.

Success is a failure that tried one more time

AF ... plz come

Received faint positive upt last week for 2 days...

very faint 2nd line

 then it gave me -ve till this morning.  maybe its chemical pregnancy... but hey... where's the AF??? CD36 /19dpo. The nausea killing me. Just show me your ugly face dear AF!

I am tired of waiting. I am tired of all the pg symptoms that im having. I am tired being tired.

Settled!

Since very limited time, finally this is what we bought for the doctor.

A pen and a thank you card

Card with their newborn pic on it.

We also bought KFC for the doctor and the nurses.

Dr G seems to be so surprise to see this little twins are running here and there actively non stop. After a while, he has no choice and started to "chase" them too worried they will hurt themselves.

Before leaving, Dr G manage to mention, 'do inform and call when you are ready for next'. I'm pretty sure he thinks that, we wont be thinking about next for another 2 years at least ;)

Little Updates

Im back here again ;)

Alhamdulillah the little twins just turned 18 months and they are super hyper. Maybe because they're friends from baby, they are super active. Sometimes i just wonder how the babysitter manage them when im away for work.

About me? Nothing interesting except I've put on weight ... same as i was heavily pregnant. Round face, flabby tummy, huge thigh is normal for me now. Everything starts just after  the twins reach 1 yr old. I had to work extra for them... chasing and running which makes me hungry most of the time :p 

Currently working on weight lose before seriously thinking for the next step while secretly praying to get pregnant naturally. Who knows right?

I'm Sorry

I used to hate to see ppl who post their babies pic to their fb.I hate to see their happiness. I've been in bad mood for several days just because someone update her fb profile pic their family pic on Eid. Well... the real reason was i am jealous with them. Because i cant hv that 'baby'. Because my family is not perfect. 

And now... after years of struggling... i am blessed with twins. It doesn't come easy anyway. Although i am quite resistance to upload my babies pic at first, now i am started to uploading them since ppl keep on requesting for it.

I know those TTCian in my friends list will be upset with it. I am sorry if I hurt any of your feelings. But i am not one of those who  got pregnant just after the wedding and keep on updating the baby pic on fb. I got the babies after the hard way.... from the road less traveled by 'normal' ppl and i think i am deserve to do so. Am i wrong? 

Note: Now i get jealous with every breastfeeding mom since i failed on that!

Lesson learned

Infertility is a life long struggle. Even post baby.

Lesson learned. 

- Sarah

Without Uterus

Hi everyone. Me and the twins are doing good. They already 6 months now. All praises to Allah.

I do receive lots of email asking opinion and ppl who share their stories with me. I do find time to reply all of them. I would like to help my fellow ttcian the least that i can...

Recently someone commented on one of my post... my heard really goes for her. I couldnt imagine how strong she is and how she face her daily life. She was born without uterus. How could it be?? What treatment she can do without an uterus??? She wrote something to her husband which i would like to share with everyone.


**********************************


I feel so bad for dragging you along in this...
Sometimes I wish I never got married
So that I'll be alone in this
And not put anyone through this pain

Sometimes while you're sleeping
I just look at you and feel sorry for making you go through this...
And other times I think to myself Why should I feel sorry for you?
You are going to have kids with or without me
The pain of not having them will be taken away from you one day or another
You will laugh, smile, cry, be upset, you will teach your son to ride a bicycle, you will kiss your daughter's forehead, you will drop your children to school, you will shop for your wife to get her a gift with your children, you will carry them on your shoulders, you will be in a labor room one day..........seeing your wife go through the pain of having your children and you will love her for it, you will appreciate her for it.....

and that wife won't be me...

While you're doing all that, I'll probably be at home lying in bed and crying my heart out like I am right now or even worse.

I remember a time when you told me 'What I have with you, I can never have with anyone else'....

Well...what you can have with anyone else, you can never have with me..

Sometimes I wish that you would be with me in this forever and that you would be patient and that we will wait and be content with whatever Allah has written....if we don't have it here, we'll have it in Jannah.

But I know you will be a father one day..a father to the children of another woman.......and I only pray that you both have all the happiness in the world.


**********************************

This is a big test for her and i wish Allah gives her all the strength in this world so that she will able to live this life peacefully.

Barren But Blessed: A Muslim Sister’s Battle With Infertility

Beautiful story that I've read over the weekend. Its time to share with my virtual friends.

By J Samia Mair

J. Samia Mair finds motherhood in an unexpected place at the end of her battle to conceive.

The kingdom of the heavens and earth belongs to Allah. He creates whatever He wills. He gives daughters to whoever He wishes, or He gives sons to whoever He wishes; or He gives them both sons and daughters; And He makes whoever He wishes barren. Truly He is All-Knowing, All-Powerful(Quran, 42: 46-47)

“I don’t see the heartbeat. I don’t see the heartbeat!”

Neither my husband nor the emergency room doctor responded to me. My husband stared straight ahead at the monitor searching the gray and white lines for any signs of life. The doctor pressed the cold wet probe down firmer, moving it haphazardly across my abdomen. My heart sank. I thought we had a chance this time.

This would not be my first miscarriage. I had suffered several already. But this was the first time that we had actually seen a heartbeat. What an amazing sight. If I had been told that my child was going to have five heads and six arms, it would not have mattered.

It was my second in vitro fertilization procedure. None of my eggs were fertilized in the first one. Prior to that, I had five artificial inseminations—again with no success. Even before the years of medical intervention, we spent over a year trying to increase our chances of pregnancy by testing for ovulation and other less scientific methods — all to no avail. I braced myself for the inevitable disappointment that would interrupt the uncomfortable silence.

“I’m sorry. The fetus did not make it.”

Although the doctor merely confirmed what I already knew in my heart, hearing it affected me more than I had expected. It’s hard to describe now but it was more than emotional trauma. I felt actual physical pain from his words. It was as if I had been hit with a forceful blow.

I looked to my husband who was already staring at me. I could tell he was holding back his emotions. I felt so defective. I had all these specialized organs that just did not work, that were virtually useless. I could not fulfil one of my main purposes for being. I had completely failed in something I was born to do.

On an intellectual level I knew that I was not defective nor a failure as a woman. I knew that my worth transcended my ability to procreate. But shame and inadequacy hit me on a level where reason does not tread.

My husband could not have been more supportive. He was always far more worried about my welfare than his own whenever the bad news struck. He made it perfectly clear to me that he did not need a biological child. Yet, I still felt guilty. He was a young man that would not have an heir because of me.

I looked at the monitor one more time. At that moment, I knew that I would never be in this position again. Although my work would pay for one more in vitro procedure, I had had enough. No more painful shots in the belly, no more ultrasounds counting egg follicles, no more anxious phone calls to the infertility doctor learning my HCG levels, and no more emergency trips to the hospital. I had learned far more about my reproductive system than I had ever hoped to know.

My husband and I had always wanted to care for an orphan. We decided it was time to move in that direction. We investigated our options, completed mounds and mounds of paperwork, and then waited. We requested twins hoping to keep two children from the same family together. We were told that a referral of twins was very rare and not to expect it. Still, we hoped for twins as we waited and waited.



Allah (swt) knew just how to help me accept that I was barren: desensitization therapy! While I was trying to keep a pregnancy or waiting for the referral, there were nearly twenty babies born to female co-workers or to the wives of male co-workers on my office floor. So many women became pregnant those years that jokes started circulating around the office that if you drink the water on the fifth floor you will get pregnant. The first six or seven baby showers were very difficult. The expectant parents’ joy only reminded me of my sorrow. I would remind myself that most of the Mothers of the Believers (RA) were barren. I had no reason to complain. By the tenth baby shower, though, I was blessedly desensitized. I no longer wondered why I could not have children. I no longer felt pangs of jealousy. I no longer experienced sorrow at others’ joy. SubhanAllah, Allah (swt) knows what is best for His creation.



Although I had accepted that I could not give birth, I still could not bring myself to fix up the baby’s room. I thought a room full of baby things would be too painful to pass everyday in case something went wrong. I decided not to buy anything until the referral came. We continued to wait. Then the phone rang.



“Twin girls!”



When we heard the news, my husband and I blurted out simultaneously: “I have to quit my job” and “I have to make more money!” We looked at each other and laughed and cried – there is nothing as telling as unedited visceral utterances.



I remember so vividly the moment they handed us the girls—it was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn’t believe that we had been entrusted with such an awesome responsibility, that we had been blessed with so much love.



The other day one of our three-year-olds came into the room where I was praying, sat down and made dhikr, saying “Subhan’Allah” a hundred times. After she finished she asked me: “Is Allah proud of me?” I replied: “I think very proud.” She gave me a big hug and ran off to play. Later that day, her sister ran into my room with a big smile on her face. She had put on her pink hijab by herself. Part of it was upside down and the other part hung sideways on her little head. She announced proudly: “I’m a beautiful Muslim girl!” I smiled back: “Yes, you are my darling—a beautiful Muslim girl, both inside and out.”



I try to thank Allah (swt) each day for the two beautiful blessings that He has entrusted to us. I pray that we raise them to be good Muslims and that they come to Him surrendering and with a sound heart. I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am so grateful now that I was unable to conceive. If I had been able to give birth, these precious wonders would have never entered our lives. I thank Allah (swt) for helping me to be patient and content with His Decree. And I remind myself often that hardships are ultimately not hardships at all with trust in Allah (swt).


“We will test you with a certain amount of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and life and fruits. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when disaster strikes them, say, “We belong to Allah and to Him we will return.” Those are the people who will have blessings and mercy from their Lord; they are the ones who are guided. (Quran, 2: 154 -156)

Jealous

I am successfully pass the 1st trimester although its been tough for me.

I am still get jealous when:

• Those who  just got married announce their pregnancy
• When i told some of my close friends about my pregnancy, they update me with their 2nd or 3rd child pregnancy news
• When people update their 'happy family' pictures on facebook

Mine was not easy as them ...

Some of the injections that been used

 To all my TTC friends...

New home

After a serious thought, i will update on the pregnancy journey in the new blog that i've created = Because Miracles Happen. Currently its still private and will make it available soon.

Thank you for the feedback on the previous post and i think i will still do a short updates on pregnancy here once in a while to let my fellow ttc friends know how im doing so they dont have to read the complete version of the journey which might hurt them for sure.

Last but not least, congratulations to another TTC friend who suffer Retroverted Uterus (RU), Hikari on the pregnancy. May you have a healthy 9 months.

Not entirely convinced

CD 34

No sign of AF yet.

It seems like the waiting game never ends. Its there anything called 3 weeks wait?

Now waiting for doctor's appointment next Monday (15th August 2011) to know the result of my IUI #2.

On the other hand, Alhamdullillah and thanks to PM for giving 1/2 month bonus for all government civil servants. Something is always better than nothing.

Limited

Yesterday when i was browsing through fb, this particular woman said hi and started conversation with me. Since i was bored, i continue to entertain her. But, the first question that she asked was, “So how are you? Is there any good news for you yet? My niece who just married last month is now pregnant. Awal rezeki dia.”

I'm so irritated with her question. Maybe she just concern. But if you are really concern about me, you should not ask that question first after giving your salam and you’ve been in my shoes before. You had your first child after 6 years if not mistaken. You should understand better about the sensitivity of an infertile soul. She is the same person who gave me the unwanted advice back then regarding LPPKN is bad and so on.

Because of this, i went offline from chat and put everyone in my ‘limited’ group. Those who are in that group will not able to see my wall post, my pictures and also will not able to see me online. Padan muka! I put everyone in that list too because i need some time to reorganize my friend list. Mean time, nobody will be going to disturb me in fb.

I really hope, if one day I've became a mom, i really hope i wont ask such questions to anyone and i really hope i will always be reminded of my infertile journey. Well, I've always been infertile.

Ya Allah,  please always remind me of all the pain that I've gone through and going through in this journey in all the phase of my life. I don't want to be in the “lupa daratan group”. Ya Rahman, please provide the courage to me to remain the same forever.

10dpiui

...and scared

Theirs

I’ve been reading the story of ‘Nafastari’ and ‘Mawar’ for quite some time. But i dont know what caused nafastari’s death. I just googled ‘Nafastari’ and got the answer for me my question, by accident with horse. He is my age, father of 2. His wife is just 26. Too young for this test but Allah knows what is the best for his servants.

Just heard a news of a relative of mine, her husband has azoospermia = zero sperm. The couple are still young too and they may try IVF or the only choice is adoption. I'm not sure what and where they want to start the treatment. After all, there’re not in KL.

Been thinking of both of them regularly and my heart really goes for them. May Allah give all the strength in this world for them to continue this life as a normal person.

Visitors

The most i have friends from outside Malaysia would be less than 5 countries but i had visitors from 45 countries to my blog.

One common thing from all this people that came here is ‘Infertility’. Well, we are not alone. It is an international problem. Lets hold our hands together, be strong and try harder each cycle and reach our dream sooner or later.

Rambling

Last Sunday when me and DH went to movie, we had plenty of time before the movie starts. So had our dinner and start talking few things about this TTC. In early days of treatment, we use to go together to clinic but since his actual presence is only needed on the IUI day, I'll go alone.

Let him know that Monday morning i need to go to LPPKN. He kind of not interested. He said he’s lazy with this TTC thing. Try and try and no success. During the IUI #1, his SA count was 40 million. If we take 40 million as a minimum count, if BD was done for 3 time during the ovulation it will be 120 million. Yet, none of those met the little egg. Its frustrating. I don't know how to console him.

Deep down in my heart, i want to go for IVF straight without IUI anymore. But, doctor at LPPKN doesn't allow IVF with just 1 IUI. Though i am so scared about IVF. How if its fails too? I’ve been reading a fair share of success and failed IVF stories. It hurts, although it is other person’s story. At the same time, really hoping for the IUI #2 to success. Prayers needed my dear friends.

(Pic source: Indah Khairani)

I find myself hopeful one day and depressed and beat down the next. Help me ya Allah! Sometimes i wonder if i was never made to conceive. This thought will always come and go regularly since in this 4.5 yrs, we failed to produced any single baby, not even miscarriage/ectopic/molar and what so ever. No... im not praying to have miscarriage/ectopic/molar its just the thought of not able to "make babies" that haunt me.

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less travelled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

- Author unknown

Jangan tertipu dengan dunia

Chatted with my best friend (male) on Friday night. He married end of last year and his wife is currently pregnant. Since i’ve known that she’s pregnant, i dont talk to him much coz i might not be a supporter for him when he talk about pregnancy and so on. So here’s the conversation – in Malay.

Report · 8:34pm

hi

pikabo?

hws life?

dah ada baby?

 

Report · 9:16pm

im ok n still without bby

 

Report · 9:21pm

yeke ok...senyap ja

 

Report · 9:28pm

yela, xmo ganggu hg

mesti hg bz sokmo

 

Report · 9:28pm

awatlak?

 

Report · 9:28pm

bini kan preg

 

Report · 9:28pm

tak jugak...

itu betol...

bru p check up kat specialist...

no problem...

 

Report · 9:29pm

bilaa due?

 

Report · 9:29pm

18/08...

 

Report · 9:29pm

ooh ok

 

Report · 9:30pm

tak p mana ka?'

 

Report · 9:30pm

xpun

actually aku saja menyendiri to be in my own cave

 

Report · 9:31pm

y is dat?

 

Report · 9:31pm

xtau camana nk ckp

im in a state where its diff to face ppl in daily life

 

Report · 9:32pm

y?

 

Report · 9:32pm

so aku menyendiri

and feels better

erm..

 

Report · 9:33pm

hg kat mana lani?

 

Report · 9:33pm

kt umah la

mana lagi

cam soklan hg td

its a sensitive q for me

aku xsalahkan hg

tp its difficult for me

 

Report · 9:34pm

rileks la...

ada kebaikan lain kot...

 

Report · 9:34pm

i know

aku pun faham

but.. its hard to swallow those yg br kahwin smua preg

mungkin sensitivity laki lain kot on this matter

so i need time to convince my mind

tu jer

mesti hg tak faham apa2 kan

hehe

 

Report · 9:36pm

actually

mmg pressure kot

 

Report · 9:37pm

sgt2

 

Report · 9:37pm

apa solution skarg?

 

Report · 9:38pm

solution nya... i see the hikmah for not having kids yet and maybe i might not have any in future

mungkin akan ada...when the right time comes

 

Report · 9:39pm

aku dekat bk5

dok cari umah nak beli

 

Report · 9:39pm

cuma aku perlukan strength untuk menghadapi idup seharian ni

 

Report · 9:40pm

minum milo

 

Report · 9:40pm

blah la hg

minum milo buat per

and now i envy of ur life

:p

 

Report · 9:41pm

y?

 

Report · 9:41pm

settled and now dok cari rumah plak

 

Report · 9:41pm

setlled?

on in heaven/hell

jgn tertipu ngn dunia

:)

 

Report · 9:42pm

dunia is still important gak

 

Report · 9:43pm

live like waiting for a bus...

sedikit yg cukup utk bersyukur lebih baik dri byk dan melalaikan

aku tak suka tgk hg dok sedih2...

nti kita bual lain...

aku nak p mandi kuar...

catch u later...

 

This friend of mine, never failed to make me feel good. Its a big word “Jangan tertipu dengan dunia”. Im searching so many answers for so many questions in this world and he gave me one answer. We tends to see other ppl’s happiness and their beautiful life but we never realize that dunia is just temporary and there is something far more better waiting in hereafter.

Thank you G for the short conversation and sorry for putting it here (i did edit some of it). Its for me to look back and get my strength again and again each time i fall.

Another book?

“Infertility: Help, Hope and Healing”

Should i get another book? Looks interesting… but MPH doesn't have it!