Without Uterus

Hi everyone. Me and the twins are doing good. They already 6 months now. All praises to Allah.

I do receive lots of email asking opinion and ppl who share their stories with me. I do find time to reply all of them. I would like to help my fellow ttcian the least that i can...

Recently someone commented on one of my post... my heard really goes for her. I couldnt imagine how strong she is and how she face her daily life. She was born without uterus. How could it be?? What treatment she can do without an uterus??? She wrote something to her husband which i would like to share with everyone.


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I feel so bad for dragging you along in this...
Sometimes I wish I never got married
So that I'll be alone in this
And not put anyone through this pain

Sometimes while you're sleeping
I just look at you and feel sorry for making you go through this...
And other times I think to myself Why should I feel sorry for you?
You are going to have kids with or without me
The pain of not having them will be taken away from you one day or another
You will laugh, smile, cry, be upset, you will teach your son to ride a bicycle, you will kiss your daughter's forehead, you will drop your children to school, you will shop for your wife to get her a gift with your children, you will carry them on your shoulders, you will be in a labor room one day..........seeing your wife go through the pain of having your children and you will love her for it, you will appreciate her for it.....

and that wife won't be me...

While you're doing all that, I'll probably be at home lying in bed and crying my heart out like I am right now or even worse.

I remember a time when you told me 'What I have with you, I can never have with anyone else'....

Well...what you can have with anyone else, you can never have with me..

Sometimes I wish that you would be with me in this forever and that you would be patient and that we will wait and be content with whatever Allah has written....if we don't have it here, we'll have it in Jannah.

But I know you will be a father one day..a father to the children of another woman.......and I only pray that you both have all the happiness in the world.


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This is a big test for her and i wish Allah gives her all the strength in this world so that she will able to live this life peacefully.

No Title

Colleague of mine (the one who let me feel the baby kicking few months ago) will be on her maternity leave and today is her last day. As she said good bye and asked for forgiveness if she did anything wrong, i did asked forgiveness from her too and asked her to pray for me too while touching her big tummy. When i said pray for me… i cant control my emotion… and tears shed like rain that pouring heavily outside. I hate this type of situation. I hate my mind. I hate myself. 

Stressed!

2ww – Part 2

Today mark the end of 2ww (14dpiui), i should not test the upt until today at least. But the spotting then followed by AF visited me first.  A strong person knows how to keep their life in order, even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say “im ok” with a smile. Thank you for the encouring words dear friends… i am really ok :)

As i told you guys before, I'm surrounded with pregnant women's at office. Today, when i was sitting beside a friend of mine, she suddenly took my hand and put at her womb… to feel the baby kicking!  I was speechless for few minutes. It was my first time, I've never feel the baby kicking before even with my sister in law’s or my sister. MasyaAllah! It was amazing. Unforgettable! Thank you dear friend to let me feel it, really appreciate it although everyday, when i saw ur baby bump, i was envy to death.

10dpiui

CD 23 and 10dpiui today. I’ve been having cramping and sharp pain in abdomen since 2dpiui and i just ignoring all the feelings since then. Last night was terrible. Once back from work, i cant even stand. Was in my couch till Maghrib and force my self to pray.

I'm also try to limit my self to Google everything although I'm always failed at it. Last time, i was spotting from 8dpo and i was strongly believed it was implantation bleeding but then it turns out to be AF few days later.

Now I'm feeling like AF is about to come… AF actually due end of next week. Well, the AF always playing trick nowadays.

AF… are you missing me already?

We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.- Jim Rohn

My first facebook note on infertility – Just Me

Infertility isn’t something many people really know much about or care to really discuss.  Which is really hysterical to me considering how OPEN people are about pregnancy and all that amazing excitement. But when someone informs a friend or family member that they have an issue that causes infertility or just fertility issues they always say the same damn thing, “Just stop trying and it’ll happen”. Alright friends and family. I have some very strong words to you out there when you say this me…fuck you. Yes. I know. A little mean, a little bitchy and a little not needed you may think but until you are in my place you can shove off.  I don’t want to hear those words ever again in my entire life to tell you the truth. How bout instead of that why don’t you just say, “Man that sucks.” Feel free to ask as many questions as you like but don’t act like it’s just that easy.  You don’t know. Hell, most people who have gone through infertility issues and came out on the other of it all typically seem to forget what it was ever like to be in this place.  It down right sucks. Some please don’t be offended when I make a sarcastic, jealous remark to your recent blow out diaper complaint or banter on how you wish your newborn would give you just 5 more minutes to sleep.  And I am sorry if I fight back tears when you remind how AMAZING it is to have a child in your life. It is nothing against you, it really is the anger I have towards my low grade fertility and out of whack hormones. – via xbabystepsx

Why?

• Why it must be this hard to be a mom?
• Why all i see is pregnant women who ‘accidently’ got pregnant when they don't even try?
• Why all those who doesn't want kids blessed with kids while those who dying to have at least one doesn't even close to pregnancy?
• Why there are lots of people still throw away their babies within the hours of the birth?
• Why people still go for abortions??
• Why there is no shortcuts to be pregnant for IF?
• Why my heart is so heavy and i feel like want to cry out loud?
• Do i really deserved this?
• Am i being punished for all my sins?
• Why Me?

Twins

Few days ago, i was already sleeping and DH comes and talking to me… he was telling me about what he watched at National Geography about there is one village where, almost everyone getting twins. Not only the native ppl but also those who moved down to that village, also getting twins within the first yr of their stay.

Scientist thought it must be the water or the foods that the villagers taking but there is no significant proof for this hypothesis.

Well, the village is in Kerala, India and the majority were Muslims and the village is now called as Twin Town!

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Twin town: The Indian village where there are 220 sets of twins has doctors baffled

By Daily Mail Reporter
Last updated at 4:31 PM on 15th July 2009

Baffled doctors are trying to unravel the mystery of an Indian village boasting more than 220 sets of twins born to just 2,000 families.

Experts who have visited the remote tropical village of Kodinhi, in Kerala, have been left scratching their heads over the phenomenon that has seen almost six times as many twins born than the global average.

In 2008 alone 15 pairs of twins were born in the village out of 300 healthy deliveries and this year is expected to top that number.

 

Twins walking down a street in the village of Kodinhi.The village of Kodinhi in the Malapuram district of the Southern state of Kerala allegedly has more than 220 pairs of twins

In the last five years alone up to 60 pairs of twins have been born - with the rate of twins increasing year-on-year.

Local doctor and twin enthusiast Dr Krishnan Sribiju has been studying the medical marvel of Kodinhi for the past two years.

Although 220 sets of twins have been officially registered in the village Dr Sribiju believes the real number to be far higher.

'In my medical opinion there are around 300 to 350 twins within the village boundaries of Kodinhi,' he said.

'What is fascinating is the increasing numbers of twins with each passing year, so much so that I feel in the past ten years the number of twins in Kodinhi has doubled.'  

Top twins town: Baseera & Bashila Basheer. (L-R Middle row) Reshna & Rafna Kareem, Suhaila & Sahala. (L-R Front row) Reshna & Rafna Kareem, Husain & Hasan Sulaiman

According to villagers, the twin phenomenon only started occurring three generations ago. Dr Sribiju can barely contain his excitement discussing the possible scientific implications of the village.

'To the best of my knowledge this medical marvel began somewhere between 60 to 70 years ago.

'Without access to detailed biochemical analysis equipment I cannot say for certain what the reason for the twinning is, but I feel that it is something to do with what the villagers eat and drink.

'If that is the case then maybe whatever is causing this exceptional level of twinning can be bottled and provide help for infertile couples.'   Categorising the twin phenomenon as a naturally occurring anomaly, Dr Sribiju has ruled out genetic factors as the cause due to the localised nature of the village.

He also dismisses any suggestion that the unusual level of twins could be caused by an unknown pollutant pointing to the high number of healthy twins born without any deformities.

'There are lots of reasons for twins, but let me explain the underlying uniqueness of Kodinhi,' said Dr Sribiju, 40.

 

Paired up: 78 pairs of twins(156) out of a total of 178 people (22 parents holding their children) in this group photograph taken at the Goverment upper primary school

'The number of twins per thousand here is around 45 per 1,000 births.

'Indian, and by that I mean Asian, people on the sub-continent have the lowest acknowledged incidences of twinning in the world at around four per thousand.

'In addition, there is no IVF treatment here because of the prohibitive cost. Global rates of twins being born, especially in the western world, have increased because of artificial insemination.

'Also, twins are born usually to older, more mature women. In Kodinhi that is not the case because marriage happens much younger here at around 18-20 years old and families begin very soon after.

'Another factor that bucks the trend is that twins occur in women who are generally over 5ft 3in in height. The height of women in Kodinhi is around 5ft on average.'  

The residents of Kodinhi, which is in the lush state of Kerala in the south of India, have even taken to calling their home 'twin town' and have gone as far as to set up the Twins and Kin Association (TAKA).

 

Amazing: Shahala & Shahana Ashraf

'TAKA has been set up to register and provide support for the twins of Kodinhi and their families,' said Puallani Bhaskaran, 50, the association's president and the proud father of twin boys.

'Understandably for such a significant minority in the community we feel that it is only sensible to club together to make sure that there is a focal point for the twins of Kodinhi to come to.

'Twins are financially a strain and also they are medically complicated for mothers to bear.

'TAKA can educate and support the villagers because here we have so many more twins than elsewhere.'  

Counting more than 220 pairs of twins ranging from 65 years to one month as registered members - with another 30 applications pending - TAKA's total membership exceeds 600 when parents are included.

'I began planning for this association in July 2008 and formalised it in December of last year,' said Mr Bhaskaran.

'The twins of Kodinhi should be united so that they can find out why they are here.'   However, for the twins of Kodinhi, life is lived with double takes and stares which eventually become common place.

'When I was at primary school I attended with around 30-40 other twins,' said Anu Bhaskaran, 16, who is the son of TAKA's president.

'It feels special to be part of something so unique, but the most satisfying thing about being a twin is tricking your friends and teachers,' said his brother Abhi.

With the majority of twins in Kodinhi being of the identical kind and the fact that a large percentage are under the age of twenty, the potential for mischief is enormous.

'We always find the teachers mix us up,' said five-year-old Shahala, who attends the local primary school in Kodinhi.

'Sometimes when we are feeling naughty we try and swap classes to confuse people,' said sister Shahana.

Citing the immense scientific implications should Kodinhi's secret be discovered, Dr Sribiju is currently trying to assemble the research support he needs to delve deeper into the twin town of Kodinhi.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1180544/Twin-town-The-Indian-village-220-sets-twins-doctors-baffled.html#ixzz1B9ixxsf8

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Now im thinking to shift there….! Anyone wants to join me?

Good Bye 2010

Its 4th January today and finally i am able to write to this blog. Another year has gone without any sign of baby coming up. It was a tough year.

• At least i know what's the problem that I'm having and finally found out that it is recoverable using some medicines.
• The first time in my life visited doctor as many times in a month/year
• The highest number of injectables taken in my entire life so far
• The more i try to hide… the more it feelings was shown up in my face even without me saying out a word.
• Surrounded with mommies and mommies to be most of the time and need to react that i am as normal as them.
• Those who married after me, blessed with at least 2 kids.
• Those who just married, got pregnant with less than 3 months they got married.

Well, there’s lot more to mention… but its better for me to stop it now. No resolutions for this new year… just wanna take life as it comes.

What a fertile woman doesn't know

 

What a fertile woman doesn't know is . . .

the pain an infertile woman feels when she wakes up in the morning to an empty uterus, empty arms, and an empty heart.

why we keep the doors to our spare bedrooms shut - because we can't bear the thought that one of those rooms should be a nursery by now.

that we would die to experience her morning sickness or her swollen feet, just to know what it's like to have a baby growing inside of us.

how badly we want to have sleepless nights with a colic-y baby, more so than we want to go out drinking with our girlfriends.

that we go grocery shopping early in the morning, just to avoid running into her pregnant belly or her adorable toddler.

that while she is jealous of our latest vacation, we envy her messy house, her unwashed hair, and her stained T-shirt.

how difficult it is to sit through a baby shower when all we can think about is, "Will I ever experience one of these?"

the tortured feeling of not being able to give our parents grandchildren or make our husbands fathers.

why we dread going to family functions, change the channel when we see holiday commercials, and avoid the baby aisle at Target like the plague.

what it feels like to be trapped in a room and be the only woman in that room who has not experienced motherhood.

what it feels like to be trapped in a world where the only thing that makes a "real woman" is the ability to birth a child.

the pain an infertile woman feels when she lays her head on her pillow at night, and all she can think about is her empty uterus, empty arms, and empty heart.

Taken : From IF to when

The Claim Issue

Since I'm working with Government of Malaysia, I’m entitle to claim the treatment fee’s for this primary infertility if I'm having treatment with government clinic/hospitals. LPPKN is government clinic under Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development.

I was just allowed to claimed last week and i received the letter from the doctor to submit all the documents to my department.

I submitted everything last week. Last Friday, my boss was asked me about the claim saying why im only claim now for the whole year. It seems like he dont understand when i explain to him that i was actually waiting for the letter from the doctor.

Last week, i received the forms which was already signed by the big boss and today i received this letter and they give me back the forms which the signed page by the big boss was gone and they printed new form for that particular page before returning it to me.

Can you see the office politic here? Even im entitle for the claim they rejected me. Im pretty sure they will reject it next yr too saying that those bills are for the yr 2010 and cant pay for it.

Still not ok

I should take MC today.. but after thinking high and low… i decided to go to work even I’m already quite late. The menses getting heavier and i cant bear the pain anymore. But not able to escape from work since i had a discussion with the user till past 3pm with no lunch in between. Now, i spoiled my office chair with the menses… my dress too and thank god i wore dark color dress. Couldnt go back to due to heavy rain. Hmmm.

Called the clinic asking whether should i still come for the scan tomorrow since having my period? She said just come.

Weird

Wonder whats wrong with my menses this month. Today is my 8th day of period and only now its getting heavier like day 1 or 2. Its also comes with period pain as well. huh, i just hate this… Is it the side effect from the hormone medicine? Previously i never had this type of issues. Must be because of the new medicine. Need to wait till tomorrow to see hows the flow and call the doctor if necessary…