Monday, February 28, 2011

Buah Zuriat / Buah Hawa

‘Buah Zuriat’ or ‘Buah Hawa’ is something that only available in Mecca. It is for those who are having difficulties in getting pregnant like us. So, i asked my friend to buy it for me and alhamdullillah, i’ve received it few months back.

Its not easy to get to the content of it. It is very2 hard! I have to get the help of my friend (since we dont have the big chopper at home) and also the help of DH.

This is how the ‘Buah Zuriat’ is look like! 


The first layer of it. The full force was used to get till this stage. 

The final layer… with the help of my friend. 

There is a lot of methods to boil and drink it. It is advisable to boil 2 fruit together. What i did was, boil it and put it in the jug (i boil once every week and not daily). I did recite the following doa to it :-

  • AL-ANBIYA'AYAT 89 - Doa Nabi Zakariya

وَزَكَرِيَّا إِذْ نَادَى رَبَّهُ رَبِّ لَا تَذَرْنِي فَرْدًا وَأَنْتَ

خَيْرُ الْوَارِثِينَ

(21:89) And (We showed a favour) to Zacharias, when he invoked his Lord, saying, "O Lord, do not leave me childless though Thou alone art the best Inheritor".


هُنَالِكَ دَعَا زَكَرِيَّا رَبَّهُ قَالَ رَبِّ هَبْ لِي مِنْ

لَدُنْكَ ذُرِّيَّةً طَيِّبَةً إِنَّكَ سَمِيعُ الدُّعَاءِ

(3:38) Then Zechariah prayed to his Lord: 'O Lord! Grant me from Yourself out of Your grace the gift of a goodly offspring, for indeed You alone heed all Prayers.'


أَوَلَمْ يَرَ الَّذِينَ كَفَرُوا أَنَّ السَّمَوَاتِ وَالْأَرْضَ

كَانَتَا رَتْقًا فَفَتَقْنَاهُمَا وَجَعَلْنَا مِنَ الْمَاءِ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ

حَيٍّ أَفَلَا يُؤْمِنُونَ

(21:30) Have not the people, who have disbelieved (the Message), ever considered this: the heavens and the earth were at first one mass; then We parted them,  and created every living thing from water?  Do they not acknowledge (that this is Our Creation)?


And we, husband and wife been/will drinking it until this Friday = 44 days (or till the color change to clear water). Started to drink it from the first day (CD1) from my previous cycle. Adding water to it and boiling it when needed.

Well, Im just trying my level best :)

Kurma muda kering

Anyone know about the benefit of kurma muda kering??


A friend of mine gave this today… wondering how to use it… Idea’s please… ?

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Infertility: Islamic Perspective – 3 ; Male doctor

I was always curious and guilty about is it still allowed to engage with a male doctor for ttc related matters. Although i asked for the female doc, i couldn't get since lack of female doctors. When i was looking for some other information, i found this.

“If there is a legal reason for the woman to be exposed to a person other than her husband for treatment, that person should be a Muslim woman if there is one who can do the job; if not found, then a non-Muslim woman; if not found then a trustworthy Muslim doctor; if not found then a non-Muslim doctor. This is the legal sequence. It is unlawful for the patient woman to stay alone with an alien male doctor. Her husband or another woman should be with them. The council also states that: "the need of the married woman as well as her husband to have a child is a sound reason and a legal one that makes lawful for this woman to seek treatment in the lawful way of artificial insemination.”.

So womans out there… dont feel guilty if you have to deal with male doctor as long the doctor is Muslim and when the treatment was being done, always been accompanied by nurse or your husband. Feeling the real relieved now!

Taken from Islamweb

Monday, February 21, 2011

CD 2

Its CD 2 today and called LPPKN for an appointment. The nurse said the lab is still not ready and its better for me to proceed next cycle. The last medicated cycle was back in November. Obstacles came in so many ways… even in getting treatment? How to take it positively in this situation? Allah asking me to wait?

Saturday, February 19, 2011


People keep on updating their facebook and twitter saying “Planning to get an 11/11/11 baby? This is your week! Good luck :)”. Its so so annoying! It must be so easy for them. They may be able to plan when they want the baby… but dont they know that they can only plan? There’s someone else who plays a big role? The God?? ..and not everyone is lucky as them?

Friday, February 18, 2011

Infertility: Islamic Perspective – 2 : Treatments that allowed!

In the previous edition, we presented Imaan's story in the struggle to conceive as well as various lessons that can be learned through such experiences. In this article, we will outline several issues that infertile couples often encounter, along with an Islamic perspective on each of these. It is important to point out that attempting to cure infertility is not only permissible, but may be a duty for the couple since procreation and preservation of the human race are principal goals in marriage. The treatment itself, however, should never go beyond the boundaries of what is permissible by Allaah. The ends do not always justify the means, and in the case of infertility, this principle should be readily apparent.

Allaah Almighty Says what means: “And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship...” [Quran 46: 15]

Choice of procedures

In today's world of medical technology and advancement, there are many options available for couples who are struggling with infertility. Unfortunately, many of these options are morally and religiously unacceptable. Muslims need to be aware of the procedures that are allowed in Islam and those that are not. In general, it is easy to remember that any procedure that makes use of sperm or eggs that do not belong to the husband or wife is absolutely unacceptable in Islam. This would entail making use of what is commonly termed donor eggs or donor sperm. The obvious reasons for their prohibition is that they involve mixing of lineage, confusion as to who the real parents are and, in reality, an illegitimate child. The virtue of preserving genealogy is evident in the Quran. Allaah Almighty Says what means: " And it is He who has created from water a human being and made him [a relative by] lineage and marriage. And ever is your Lord competent [concerning creation]." [Quran 25: 54]

Two permissible methods are as follows:

1)      IUI (Intra-Uterine Insemination) wherein the sperm of the husband is taken and injected into a suitable place in the cervix or womb of the wife so that fertilization can take place internally, and
2)      IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization) wherein the sperm is taken from the husband, and an egg is taken from the wife. Fertilization is done externally, and then the embryo is implanted in the womb of the wife. IUI is often used when the husband has low sperm count, or has normal sperm but is unable to deposit them in the genital tract for some reason. IVF may be used when there is some type of obstruction preventing access of the sperm to the ovum, which could occur in cases where one or both fallopian tubes are blocked and cannot be corrected by surgery.

An important issue to consider with IVF is that there a strong likelihood that not all of the fertilized eggs will be placed into the uterus. The goal of an IVF cycle is to harvest 15-20 eggs. Not all of these will fertilize successfully, but usually more than two or three will (which is the standard number implanted into the woman). This leaves the parents with two choices:
1)      Discard the remaining embryos or
2)      Freeze these embryos for future use (it would not be allowed to donate these for other couples). This issue leads to several questions, "Does a fertilized egg constitute a child, thereby making the act of discarding it Haraam?  Is this a form of abortion? Most scholars have used the following definition of abortion, "Abortion means to terminate the life of the fetus deliberately, by any means, while it is still in the womb of the mother." The debate regarding abortion centers around the definition of fetus and not the womb, and so it would not apply to the IVF process since the fertilized egg is not in the womb.

It is necessary to note that this type of procedure is only permitted within the marriage contract, which is broken by death or divorce. If the husband dies, for example, the woman is not allowed to make use of these stored embryos since there is no longer a marital bond. She is, in fact, able to marry another man after the waiting period is completed. A child conceived in this situation would be denied its right to legitimacy.

Multi-Fetal Reduction

Another debatable issue is the use of multi-fetal reduction (terminating one or more of the embryos after implantation) which may arise when a woman becomes fertilized with more than one or two embryos. Scholars are in disagreement on this particular point. Some state its permissibility due to the medical risk for the mother, and others do not, basing their opinion upon the definition of abortion. It then becomes a decision that must be made between husband and wife with reliance upon their own thoughts and feelings about this issue after trusting in Allaah and seeking His Guidance.

Imaan related that this type of phenomenon is rare since most clinics implant only two or three embryos at one time. This is likely to become the norm as clinics continue to develop standards to minimize the risks for mothers and their unborn fetuses. The issue of multi-fetal reduction will eventually lose its relevance as times goes on.

Surrogate motherhood

In recent years a new approach to infertility has developed that has sparked debates regarding its acceptability, legality and morality.

Surrogate motherhood or surrogate parenting involves making use of another woman's womb to bear a child for a couple who is having difficulty conceiving. This is most commonly used when a woman is unable to bear children due to blocked fallopian tubes or an absent or defective uterus. In one method, the surrogate mother is impregnated by the husband's semen, which, as outlined above, would be completely unacceptable in Islam. In another method, fertilization is completed externally between the sperm and egg of the couple and then the embryo is placed in the uterus of a woman who volunteers or is paid to carry it. The questions that then arise are "Who is the real mother of this child?", "Is the mother the one who contributed the genes or the one who bore and gave birth to the child?" This separation of the womb relation from the ovary relationship is a new phenomenon and lies at the center of the debate regarding surrogation. Various conclusions have been reached, but what is the Islamic perspective on this option?

Throughout the Quran, there are many references to the concept of motherhood. We find the following as examples. Allaah Almighty Says what mean:

"…Their mothers are none but those who gave birth to them..." [Quran 58:2]

"And We have enjoined upon man, to his parents, good treatment. His mother carried him with hardship and gave birth to him with hardship, and his gestation and weaning [period] is thirty months..." [Quran 46: 15]

"And We have enjoined upon man [care] for his parents. His mother carried him, [increasing her] in weakness upon weakness, and his weaning is in two years. Be grateful to Me and to your parents; to Me is the [final] destination." [Quran 31:14]

In the Arabic language the term that is used for parents is derived from the verb "Wilaada" which means to give birth. "Waalid" is the father and "Waalidah" is the mother. Both parents are "Waalidaan." We are related to both the ovary and the womb of our mother, but the references in the Quran clearly emphasize the womb relation by stating that mothers are those who gave birth to us. The womb or uterus is "Rahim" ("Arhom" is the' plural) in Arabic and refers to a "value" based on relatives and the tie of compassion that binds them. "Rahmah" is another derivative, which means compassion.

Allaah Almighty Says what means: "O mankind, fear your Lord, who created you from one soul and created from it its mate and dispersed from both of them many men and women. And fear Allaah, through whom you ask one another, and the wombs. Indeed Allaah is ever, over you, an Observer.." [Quran 4: 1]

"So would you perhaps, if you turned away, cause corruption on earth and sever your [ties of] relationship?" [Quran 47: 22]

So, again, we see the significance of the womb relationship and the understanding that the one who gives birth is the mother of the child. A child born under a surrogate contract would be illegitimate in Islamic law since the husband had not entered into a marital contract with the surrogate mother. Even if the surrogate mother were another wife of the husband, it would still not be allowed since this entails introducing a foreign egg, which is outside the marriage contract binding the husband and his second wife.

In addition to all of this, the contract entered into through surrogation would be considered Baatil (invalid) since it involves the "sale" of a free person. Some final points to consider are the evils that may result from this type of contract such as: reducing motherhood to a price, undermining the institution of marriage and family life, creating confusion in blood ties, encouraging surrogate mothers to claim legal rights to the child, and tampering with the Sunan of Allaah in the normal process of procreation.

Inshaa` Allaah (Allaah willing), we will all be guided to the truth and to those actions that are within the limits of Allaah's Law and which deserve Allaah's Pleasure. May Allaah bestow upon those who desire the role of mother or father from His bounties, for parenthood is truly a blessing that warrants gratitude and prostration to the Creator each and every day.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Infertility: Islamic Perspective – 1

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you would do anything to get it? Would you spend all of your time and money just to get that one thing? Have you ever felt a yearning that would never go away? Would you pray so often and so intense that tears would come to your eyes? Read the following story to find out the struggles that some couples face:

Imaan's story

“I always knew I wanted children – maybe because I come from a large family. When I was looking for a husband, how he dealt with children was very important to me. In fact, seeing how my husband handled someone's newborn baby was what made me interested in talking to him about marriage. After being married about two years we started trying to have children. We tried for about one year to get me pregnant. With no success, we went to a reproductive health clinic so my husband and I could get tested. (It is normal to take that long to conceive, so, unless there is an obvious problem, most clinics will not test before the couple has tried for one year). Many different tests were done. The doctors only found a minor problem that they assumed would be easy to deal with. We thought that I would get pregnant quickly and were very hopeful.

At this time, we decided to go with a procedure called Intra-Uterine Insemination or IUI. After one trial of IUI in the United States, we moved to Kuwait. It was at this time that I saw a picture above the steps to that clinic in Kuwait. On it was the following Quranic verses which mean: "To Allaah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females and He renders barren whomever He wills. Verily, He is the all-Knower and is Able to do all things." [Quran 42:49-50]

It was a reminder that whatever was to happen would be the will of Allaah and that I would accept whatever he had planned for me. After two more IUIs I was pregnant. With my doctor's permission, I went to Makkah for `Umrah. While there, I began bleeding and was told that I'd had a miscarriage. However, after returning to Kuwait, I experienced spotting and pains on my right side. While it was thought that I'd had a miscarriage, it turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. Surgery was carried out and they were able to save the tube since they had caught the pregnancy early enough. I was grateful they saved my tube, but was becoming disappointed. I think I had not yet really accepted Allaah's will or learned to appreciate all the things I was able to do because I did not have children (help start an Islamic school, study in an intensive Arabic program, go for `Umrah at the last minute, etc).

We went back to the states for a consultation and then returned to Kuwait where we completed 2 more IUIs and then a trial of IVF or In-Vitro Fertilization. Al-Hamdulillaah, I got pregnant from the IVF trial. Sadly though, after six weeks we lost the baby through miscarriage. It was after this trial that I really started to be more accepting of Allaah's will. I found ways to cope with the many side effects of the drugs used in the procedures (moodiness, night sweats, and sadness). I realized that getting pregnant may take a while. (Not getting pregnant ever was still kept in the back of my mind.) With the acceptance of Allaah's will came the ability to consider more seriously what my life would be like without children, to focus on the positive possibilities of this outcome, and what I would be able to contribute to the community with the available time. We went back to the States again and did 4 more trials of IUI. At one point during the IUIs we were faced with the issue of Multi-Fetal Reduction, as my ovaries had produced too many eggs so there was a slight possibility of multiples if I were to get pregnant. We spoke with a scholar in the field and he related that the scholars disagree on this topic. We were told that we needed to make our own decision. This was a difficult issue to deal with, but I knew if I had multiples there was no way I could do it. (I didn't get pregnant, so we never had to make that choice). We then did a trial of IVF with ICSI. This too was unsuccessful. More sadness and disappointment; then again, acceptance. And, while others didn't like to hear us say it, we were beginning to accept the fact that we may not ever have our own children. We still kept trying, but had accepted Allaah's will - whatever it may be. We then moved to another state and found a clinic that was well-known for its pioneering work in the field of infertility. We did one IVF trial there with different drug combinations and I became pregnant. Al-Hamdulillaah! After four years and lots of prayer we had finally obtained what we wanted. Al-Hamdulillaah, the pregnancy went well and we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy.

My advice to anyone trying: be informed about the drugs and the procedures, be prepared to have this as a big part of your life (for a while anyway), know that there will be ups and downs, be patient with "fertile" people's advice (especially when they try not to think about it, but every is structured around shots or ultrasounds), try and appreciate of gifts/opportunities Allaah has given you, and most of all know that Allaah is with you and He is the best planner your life."

Islamic lessons to be learned

Gratitude: For those who are able to have children and enjoy them, it is important to remember that they are gifts from Allaah. We should always be grateful for what Allaah has given to us and not take these things for granted.  The sight of a newborn baby should make us awe at Allaah's Power and how to His Generosity. How many times have we looked at our children and really thanked Allaah for them? How many times have people complimented us on our children and we have said Al-Hamdulillaah rather than feeling pride. Gratefulness is an important characteristic of a believer. There are many verses in the Quran of this nature. Allaah Says (what means): "So remember Me; I will remember you. And be grateful to Me and do not deny me." [Quran 2:152]

Patience: Mankind is tested in many ways. The believers are those who are steadfast during times of trial and adversity. The Prophet said: "Wonderful is the case of a believer - there is good for him in everything, and this is only for the believer. If he experiences a blessing, he is grateful to Allaah - which is good for him; and if he experiences an adversity, he is patient - which is also good for him." [Muslim] 

Infertility is obviously a burdensome trial given to certain men and women, and those who remain patient and steadfast in faith will be the successful. "Indeed, Allaah is with those who are patient."

Remembrance of Allaah's Will:

The verses from the chapter of Ash-Shoora summarize this point. Allaah Almighty Says what means: "He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females, and He renders barren whom He wills." [Quran 42: 50]

All that happens in this life emanates from the will of Allaah. Oftentimes we have to accept this even if we find it difficult and are unaware of the wisdom behind such happening. This also means that others should not shun, shame, or ostracize a woman or man who is experiencing infertility. This is something, in particular, that husbands should remember in relation to their wives as demonstrated in the stories of Ibraaheem and Zakariyya (outlined below). This is the will of Allaah and we are not in a position to judge others, particularly for something over which they have no control. Allaah Knows what is best for His creation.

Understanding: The Prophet said: Whatever trouble, illness, anxiety, grief, pain or sorrow afflicts a Muslim even if it is the pricking of a thorn - Allaah removes in its places some of his sins." 

The first understanding to have is that through pain, sadness, and struggle comes the reward from Allaah, The Exalted, and expiation for sins. The struggle itself then becomes a blessing from Allaah, although we may not be aware of this and it may be difficult for us to comprehend. The second understanding is that Allaah has a plan and a reason for all things. One example is that of `Aa`ishah RA the wife of the Prophet . `Aa`ishah was young, but she did not have children.

The wisdom behind this may be that Allaah had another purpose for her. One only needs to look at the numerous Hadeeths that she transmitted and the knowledge that she shared throughout her lifetime to understand what this purpose may have been. There are other areas of life beyond child-rearing where a person can share his or her talents and skills.

Hopefulness and Reliance upon Allaah: It is important to never despair of the Mercy of Allaah and to always remain hopeful that Allaah will change the situation. Making Du`aa` (supplication) is essential in relation to this. There are several stories in the Quran that present beautiful lessons for mankind. The first is about Ibraaheem and his wife Saarah, may Allaah exalt their mention: "And his wife was standing (there) and she laughed: But we gave her glad tidings of Isaac and after him, of Jacob. She said "Alas for me! Shall I bear a child, seeing I am an old woman, and my husband here, is an old man? That indeed would be a wonderful thing!" They said: "Do you wonder at Allaah's decree? The grace of Allaah and His blessings on you, O you people of the house! For He is indeed worthy of all praise, full of Glory!" [Quran 11:71-73]

The second is of Zakariyya and his wife, may Allaah exalt their mention: "There did Zakariyya pray to his Lord, saying: "O my Lord! Grant unto me from You a progeny that is pure: for You are He that hears prayer! While he was standing in prayer in the chamber, the angels called unto him: "Allaah gives thee glad tidings of Yahya, witnessing the truth of a Word from Allaah, and (be besides) noble, chaste, and a prophet,-of the (goodly) company of the righteous." He said: "O my Lord! How shall I have son, seeing I am very old, and my wife is barren?" "Thus," was the answer, "Does Allaah accomplish what He wills." [Quran 3:38-40]  "[This is] a recital of the Mercy of your Lord to His servant Zakariyya. Behold! He cried to his Lord in secret, Praying: "O my Lord! Infirm indeed are my bones, and the hair of my head does glisten with gray: but never am I unblest, O my Lord, in my prayer to You!" [Quran 19:2-4]

"And (remember) Zakariyya, when he cried to his Lord: "O my Lord! Leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors." So We listened to him: and We granted him Yahya: We cured his wife's (Barrenness) for him. These (three) were ever quick in emulation in good works; they used to call on Us with love and reverence, and humble themselves before Us." [Quran 21:89-90]

There are several lessons to be learned from these stories, but the main one is that even in the seemingly most impossible circumstances, Allaah may answer our prayers and bless us from his bounty. Both Saarah and Ishba were barren for many years, but nothing is beyond Allaah's Power to control. We should obviously not obsess ourselves about having children to the point where it is harmful for ourselves and others, but we should continue to accept Allaah's Destiny, remain firm in our faith, and maintain hopefulness. If Allaah does not bless us with children in this life, we have the next life to look forward to. It is important to remember that our goal in this life is to obtain Paradise in the Hereafter. This life is but a fleeting moment in the cycle of existence.

The Prophet said: "Surely I know a verse (from the Quran) which, if people would have followed it, would have sufficed for them concerning everything (in life): `For those who fear Allaah, He provides a way out for them (for everything, and) He also provides them provisions from (sources) that they could never have imagined." [(65:2-3); Ahmad and Ibn Maajah]

Note: Reading this really gives peace of mind... Allah doesnt give child to Aisyah RA too... how come i forgot that all this while? She has other things to concentrate and help Prophet instead raising a child. But as far as i know, she does babysit her niece :)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


Are we in the baby making season? Or is it because the government of Malaysia announce the 3 months maternity leave instead of the 2 months everyone racing to get pregnant this year? It looks like almost everyone is preggo! Last week, i called a friend of mine, we lost touch for quite sometime. She, always used to told me that she dont want another baby, she already had 1 son (4 years). But, she is now currently pregnant 4 months.

Apart from my best friend, a cousin of me called me up and was catching up with me and of course she announce the pregnancy of her 3rd child is coming on the way!

I was away from work last week, for out of office works, and today when im back to my normal routine, another colleague of mine, already announced the pregnancy last week and i just got to know.

Well, when im typing this post, just saw another ‘nausea’ status at one of the friends status… her 2nd baby is on the way.

Anyone else???

Wow! Congratulations to all of you and thanks for making me more insane!

I would die for that

I Would Die For That Lyrics
Artist(Band):Kellie Coffey

Amber and baby 008 A

(Pic Source: Google)

Jenny was my best friend.
Went away one summer.
Came back with a secret
She just couldn't keep.
A child inside her,
Was just too much for her
So she cried herself to sleep.

And she made a decision
Some find hard to accept.
To young to know that one day
She might live to regret.

But I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that she had.
I would die for that.

I've been given so much,
A husband that I love.
So why do I feel incomplete?
With every test and checkup
We're told not to give up.
He wonders if it's him.
And I wonder if it's me.

All I want is a family,
Like everyone else I see.
And I won't understand it
If it's not meant to be.

Cause I would die for that.
Just to have one chance
To hold in my hands
All that they have.
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
For that kind of love,
What I'd give up!
I would die for that.

Sometimes it's hard to conceive,
With all that I've got,
And all I've achieved,
What I want most
Before my time is gone,
Is to hear the words
"I love you, Mom."

I would die for that.
Just to have once chance
To hold in my hands
What so many have
I would die for that.

And I want to know what it's like
To bring a dream to life.
How I would love
What some give up.
I would die ...
I would die for that.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbour, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother.

Note - I cried like hell when reading this poem from this forum.

Left Out

Sorry, this post again my rambling about my so called ‘beautiful and interesting’ infertility life. At this point of time, i am so down. Chatted with a good friend of mine, who happen to be male, who told me, ‘my wife is pregnant’ 3 months. I seriously don't know how to react. Thankfully the conversation was through online, so he could not see my face reaction.

In my circle of friends, every one has moved on to the next stage of their life. Me, being among those who married early in that group, still stuck in the middle of no where. I feel left out totally. I don't know how to react to them when i meet them in person. Although i always ended up so caring asking about how their pregnancy going on, I'm not sure is my face looked normal or not.

They have the common things to talk about, pregnancies, babies. nursery and schools. I am left out, although i always join in the conversation, specially in the office when all the other ladies are either pregnant or already have babies, its not from my own experience. All from my observations which cant be real experiences!

My mind started to see who else in my circle of friends/relative who’s still childless and yeah… there is one friend of mine who got married 2 months early b4 me. Called her and talked to her for a while. She seems very strong and confident. I wish I can be like her…

On the other note, another male friend of me asked hows life going. I answered ‘so so’ and this is what i got reply from him.

life is quite unpredictable, but telling the truth i always admire u. u are a brave girl!

Didnt expect that answer from him at all!

Receive 2 positive energy from 2 different people today. Hope it helps to divert my mind :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

A Year In The Life of Infertility (Year 4)

Its someone’s experience… which is really close with me too… video explains it all.

Sunday, February 6, 2011


Don't judge me unless you have looked through my eyes, experienced what i have, and cried as many tears as me. Until then back-off, cause you have no idea.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Ready To Give Up Your Career For Marriage?

By: elise
feature photo
You’re one of the top people in your company and you’re great at what you do. You’ve always considered yourself a career woman, you got the promotion you’ve harping after, you’re at the top of your game, and finally after all the long hours, sweat and effort you’ve put into your job, you’re finally holding the position you want at the top of your company. Remember the movie The Proposal starring Sandra Bullock? Yeah, imagine a high-powered career woman like that.
Then you meet someone, fall in love and get married. What happens next? Would you give up your career and opt for married life instead? Or would you juggle both? Juggling both is an easy option for many women these days because we’ve grown accustomed to this kind of lifestyle, and it’s fine if your husband is working in the same location. But what if he were based outstation? Or even overseas? How would you feel about giving up your career for your marriage?
This question is a tough one. Not everyone is going to have the same answer. I suppose it is a question of what is more important to you and what your priorities are. Of course, naturally husband and wife would want to be together, but that doesn’t necessarily mean us women would be happy to leave our jobs and top positions that we worked so hard to get.
Unless we hated our jobs in the first place of course then we would be more than happy to drop it. That’s why this is a tough one to answer. Maybe once you’re married you might have different priorities and your job doesn’t seem so important to you as it use to be. Especially if you’re planning for a family and you’re thinking about having children. Maybe once you’re married focusing on home life will become your priority instead of your job.
The thing is, we’ll never know for certain what we will or will not do, until we are put into that situation and have to make a choice. There are so many factors that come into play here, so many different situations, circumstances and scenarios that it is hard to give a definitive answer. People change all the time, and they certainly change their minds often enough.
This is certainly a tough decision to make, but at the end of the day, it all boils down to you, where your priorities lie and what comes first. And you need to make your decision based on that.
So, would you be willing to consider giving up your career for marriage?

Note – i did gave up my career and focusing on family. But this infertility thing is so much harder when I'm at home doing nothing and feel so lonely. After 9 months being full time housewife, instead of delivering baby, im back into this white collar world.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Ovulation Spotting

After months on clomid and injectables, i almost forgot how my normal cycle was. Finally I've realised that all those spotting that i had before the AF is actually the side effect of clomid. This month, there is no spotting before AF just light-heavy-light.

3 days after AF stopped, i had spotting and light bleeding yesterday and today and i assume its a ovulation spotting. Used to have it too back in those days but i don't even know what it is and i just assume the balance of AF usually.

Since i seriously TTC, I'm reading a lot, almost everyday regarding anything and will notice and take note of all the sign that my body gives. So, i have to conclude that it is an ovulation spotting coz its no longer bleed. Well… at least i know that i am ovulating :)