Friday, December 30, 2011

Barren But Blessed: A Muslim Sister’s Battle With Infertility

Beautiful story that I've read over the weekend. Its time to share with my virtual friends.
By J Samia Mair

J. Samia Mair finds motherhood in an unexpected place at the end of her battle to conceive.

The kingdom of the heavens and earth belongs to Allah. He creates whatever He wills. He gives daughters to whoever He wishes, or He gives sons to whoever He wishes; or He gives them both sons and daughters; And He makes whoever He wishes barren. Truly He is All-Knowing, All-Powerful(Quran, 42: 46-47)

“I don’t see the heartbeat. I don’t see the heartbeat!”

Neither my husband nor the emergency room doctor responded to me. My husband stared straight ahead at the monitor searching the gray and white lines for any signs of life. The doctor pressed the cold wet probe down firmer, moving it haphazardly across my abdomen. My heart sank. I thought we had a chance this time.

This would not be my first miscarriage. I had suffered several already. But this was the first time that we had actually seen a heartbeat. What an amazing sight. If I had been told that my child was going to have five heads and six arms, it would not have mattered.

It was my second in vitro fertilization procedure. None of my eggs were fertilized in the first one. Prior to that, I had five artificial inseminations—again with no success. Even before the years of medical intervention, we spent over a year trying to increase our chances of pregnancy by testing for ovulation and other less scientific methods — all to no avail. I braced myself for the inevitable disappointment that would interrupt the uncomfortable silence.

“I’m sorry. The fetus did not make it.”

Although the doctor merely confirmed what I already knew in my heart, hearing it affected me more than I had expected. It’s hard to describe now but it was more than emotional trauma. I felt actual physical pain from his words. It was as if I had been hit with a forceful blow.

I looked to my husband who was already staring at me. I could tell he was holding back his emotions. I felt so defective. I had all these specialized organs that just did not work, that were virtually useless. I could not fulfil one of my main purposes for being. I had completely failed in something I was born to do.

On an intellectual level I knew that I was not defective nor a failure as a woman. I knew that my worth transcended my ability to procreate. But shame and inadequacy hit me on a level where reason does not tread.

My husband could not have been more supportive. He was always far more worried about my welfare than his own whenever the bad news struck. He made it perfectly clear to me that he did not need a biological child. Yet, I still felt guilty. He was a young man that would not have an heir because of me.

I looked at the monitor one more time. At that moment, I knew that I would never be in this position again. Although my work would pay for one more in vitro procedure, I had had enough. No more painful shots in the belly, no more ultrasounds counting egg follicles, no more anxious phone calls to the infertility doctor learning my HCG levels, and no more emergency trips to the hospital. I had learned far more about my reproductive system than I had ever hoped to know.

My husband and I had always wanted to care for an orphan. We decided it was time to move in that direction. We investigated our options, completed mounds and mounds of paperwork, and then waited. We requested twins hoping to keep two children from the same family together. We were told that a referral of twins was very rare and not to expect it. Still, we hoped for twins as we waited and waited.

Allah (swt) knew just how to help me accept that I was barren: desensitization therapy! While I was trying to keep a pregnancy or waiting for the referral, there were nearly twenty babies born to female co-workers or to the wives of male co-workers on my office floor. So many women became pregnant those years that jokes started circulating around the office that if you drink the water on the fifth floor you will get pregnant. The first six or seven baby showers were very difficult. The expectant parents’ joy only reminded me of my sorrow. I would remind myself that most of the Mothers of the Believers (RA) were barren. I had no reason to complain. By the tenth baby shower, though, I was blessedly desensitized. I no longer wondered why I could not have children. I no longer felt pangs of jealousy. I no longer experienced sorrow at others’ joy. SubhanAllah, Allah (swt) knows what is best for His creation.

Although I had accepted that I could not give birth, I still could not bring myself to fix up the baby’s room. I thought a room full of baby things would be too painful to pass everyday in case something went wrong. I decided not to buy anything until the referral came. We continued to wait. Then the phone rang.

“Twin girls!”

When we heard the news, my husband and I blurted out simultaneously: “I have to quit my job” and “I have to make more money!” We looked at each other and laughed and cried – there is nothing as telling as unedited visceral utterances.

I remember so vividly the moment they handed us the girls—it was the happiest moment of my life. I couldn’t believe that we had been entrusted with such an awesome responsibility, that we had been blessed with so much love.

The other day one of our three-year-olds came into the room where I was praying, sat down and made dhikr, saying “Subhan’Allah” a hundred times. After she finished she asked me: “Is Allah proud of me?” I replied: “I think very proud.” She gave me a big hug and ran off to play. Later that day, her sister ran into my room with a big smile on her face. She had put on her pink hijab by herself. Part of it was upside down and the other part hung sideways on her little head. She announced proudly: “I’m a beautiful Muslim girl!” I smiled back: “Yes, you are my darling—a beautiful Muslim girl, both inside and out.”

I try to thank Allah (swt) each day for the two beautiful blessings that He has entrusted to us. I pray that we raise them to be good Muslims and that they come to Him surrendering and with a sound heart. I never thought I would be able to say this, but I am so grateful now that I was unable to conceive. If I had been able to give birth, these precious wonders would have never entered our lives. I thank Allah (swt) for helping me to be patient and content with His Decree. And I remind myself often that hardships are ultimately not hardships at all with trust in Allah (swt).

“We will test you with a certain amount of fear and hunger and loss of wealth and life and fruits. But give good news to the steadfast. Those who, when disaster strikes them, say, “We belong to Allah and to Him we will return.” Those are the people who will have blessings and mercy from their Lord; they are the ones who are guided. (Quran, 2: 154 -156)

Friday, December 23, 2011

Final Payment for Claims

Alhamdullillah, i've received the final claim payment for my primary infertility treatment today. I've received a total of RM6183.3 from Malaysian Government. Just paid the outstanding credit card which i've been using just for treatment at LPPKN. Settle satu hutang... lega~

Those out there who are working with Malaysian Goverment, you can claim your treatment fees if :-
  •  The treatment is done at any Government Hospital or LPPKN
  • Never pregnant before 
  • Full payment for IUI
  • Payment for medicine if you have to go through IVF. The IVF procedure itself its not covered by the government. 
More details at JPA website : Peraturan Permohonan Perbelanjaan Kemudahan Perubatan.
You have to pay first and claim later, please be remember that it will takes months to approve :)

On different note, most of insurance company doesnt cover infertility. Infertility treatment its really costly. Last time i heard about EPF wants to allow to take the Account 2 for infertility treatment but then im not sure whether its already been implemented or not. Those who have the savings in hand, doesnt mind about the cost.. but i do pity those who cant afford. Hopefully someone will look into this issue real soon.

Monday, December 12, 2011


Dear friends, 
need your help to answer the following questionnaire for my thesis.
 Thank you

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Pulau Dayang Bunting/ Pregnant Maiden Lake

There is a myth about this Pulau Dayang Bunting in Langkawi. To read about it can click here. Me and DH went to Langkawi island in 2007, but we missed the chance to visit Pulau Dayang Bunting. So last June, we was there again and we dont want to miss the chance again.

Last June, i was on medicated cycle but on timed intercourse mission since we are on holiday. DH swam in that lake while me, just sitting around watching him. But before we leave, i did drank the water from the lake like 2 sip. Thats all.My mission on that month failed.

I was conceived the next month on medicated cycle with IUI. Im not sure whether the water from the lake did any part on it. But i just believe its just a coincidence. How about you guys? Do you believe in it?

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Friday, October 14, 2011

Symptoms during 2ww

During my 2 weeks wait after iui, i do had a minimal symptoms but i ignored it due to my denial.

3dpiui-6dpiui = i felt nausea (no vomiting) each day after work while i was watching Oprah. But i thought its normal because i was fasting on those days

7dpiui = i was not fasting and i didnt had nausea. So i just confirms that my nausea for previous days was because of fasting.

10dpiui = 1st day of Ramadhan. I felt nausea after work and i did threw up 10 minutes before breaking fast.

12dpiui- 13dpiui = Had nausea in daytime at office but didnt threw up.

Thats the only symptoms that i had during that 2ww. Everyday after the IUI, i did talk to the baby (although i dont know whether there is one or not)... i told her/him to stick strongly and do decide Selawat and few other simple Surah's while holding my tummy.

I tested on 16dpiui, the day that i was supposed to have my AF and got the positive result.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Segalanya bermula dengan IUI

MENCERITAKAN tentang bagaimana pasangan itu boleh mendapat anak kembar empat, suami kepada Dr. Jasmina Qamaruz Zaman, Dr. Hazli Zakaria berkata, ia bermula dengan mereka mendapatkan khidmat perubatan reproduktif di Lembaga Penduduk dan Pembangunan Keluarga Negara (LPPKN) yang terletak di Jalan Raja Laut, Kuala Lumpur.

"Kami berusaha untuk mendapatkan anak kedua selepas mendapat anak pertama, Eimann Arrazi, pada 2004 sewaktu isteri saya sedang belajar di United Kingdom.

"Kami memilih untuk menjalani kaedah persenyawaan dalam rahim (IUI). Kali pertama percubaan kaedah tersebut gagal dan doktor telah memaklumkan kami boleh mendapat anak kembar.

"Setelah percubaan pertama gagal, kami mencuba sekali lagi  dan Alhamdulillah selepas tiga minggu kandungan, menerusi pengesanan ultrasound doktor mengesahkan isteri saya mengandung kembar empat." katanya. Dr. Hazli yang merupakan pakar psikiatri di Pusat Perubatan Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (PPUKM) begitu bersedia dengan kehadiran empat kembar yang pasti menggamatkan suasana rumah tangga mereka berdua."
"Memang jenuh jugalah apabila keempat-empat menangis serentak. Namun kami telah bersedia untuk keadaan ini."
"Malah kami juga mendapatkan khidmat dua orang pembantu untuk membantu menjaga anak kembar kami." ujurnya.
Tidak mahu meletakkan harapan terlalu tinggi ketika proses mengandung, Dr. Hazli dan Dr. Jasmina, hanya membelikan barangan bayi selepas kelahiran anak-anak bertuah itu.
Sumber : Utusan Malaysia Online

PS - They did treatment with Dr G, LPPKN

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


I am successfully pass the 1st trimester although its been tough for me.

I am still get jealous when:
  • Those who  just got married announce their pregnancy
  • When i told some of my close friends about my pregnancy, they update me with their 2nd or 3rd child pregnancy news
  • When people update their 'happy family' pictures on facebook
Mine was not easy as them ...

Some of the injections that been used

 To all my TTC friends...

Friday, September 23, 2011

IUI #1 vs IUI #2

Just want to share few things that happen/ I did during the first IUI and the 2nd.

1st IUI
2nd IUI
  • Very nervous
  • 3 good follicles
  • Went to loo just before the IUI procedure
  • DH's SA count 40 million
  • The IUI procedure was quite painful when the speculum was inserted
  • After the IUI, went to loo again
  • Went back home with motorbike
  • Took rest for the rest of the day
  • No intercourse after the IUI
  • BFN 
  • Had my menses on 11dpiui
  • Started to take Evening Primerose Oil, Habatussauda and Goats Milk
  • 4 good follicles
  • Mentally prepared since its the 2nd IUI
  • DH's SA count 40 million
  • I was reciting the Doa Zakaria and Doa Yunus for the entire time i was in the lab
  • The IUI was less painful - i guess the Doa Yunus played the role
  • Didnt went to loo for 2 1/2 hours after the IUI
  • Went back home with cab
  • Took rest for the rest of the day
  • Had intercourse the next day of IUI to increase the chances 
  • No period up to 16dpiui
  • BFP

I'm not sure which one has helped but thats what i can conclude on the differences on both IUI's.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

New home

After a serious thought, i will update on the pregnancy journey in the new blog that i've created = Because Miracles Happen. Currently its still private and will make it available soon.

Thank you for the feedback on the previous post and i think i will still do a short updates on pregnancy here once in a while to let my fellow ttc friends know how im doing so they dont have to read the complete version of the journey which might hurt them for sure.

Last but not least, congratulations to another TTC friend who suffer Retroverted Uterus (RU), Hikari on the pregnancy. May you have a healthy 9 months.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


First of all, i am sorry for the lack of updates lately and i have few reasons for it.
  1. I've mentioned before that im not going to blog here on pregnancy because i feel that it is not right to write on the different journey in this particular journey of mine. The journey which has changed my life forever.
  2. I was not feeling good since mid Ramadhan and i was unable to fast fully. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum (terrible morning sickness) which i was on drips for days and i've lost 5kg so far. I had urine infection too and I was on MC for about 1 month.
  3. I am also also allergic to PC or laptop. I am also allergic to handphone. I cant talk on handphone more then 3 minutes or else i will be end up vomiting.
Currently the morning sickness seems to be ok and i am back to work. But i am still unable to drink water, any sort of water and i am forcing my self to take soya milk atleast.

The bleeding that i had before has stopped after 5 days. Doctor still classified mine as risky pregnancy which needed extra care.

Thats the little updates on me. As for the baby, baby is growing well as per 8th weeks scan and the next scan will be on week 13. Im on week 10 now.

Im still following up with LPPKN and Doctor G  might refer to hospital on next checkup. Still thinking on which hospital to go either HKL or Hospital Angkatan Tentera Tuanku Mizan.

I've created another blog but its still empty due to the above reason. Should i continue update on the baby progress here once in while?

Thursday, September 8, 2011


Went to GH on the day itself in the night. My official appointment at LPPKN for scan was yesterday and we were so worried and went GH the night before. According to the doctor at GH, it looks like threatened abortion but doesn't look serious.

The next day morning, we went to LPPKN and told Doc G everything that happen. He said, having spotting is not a good news and he started to examine me. He asked me to monitor the flow and he increased the duphaston from 2 pill per day to 3 pill per day and gave me MC for the rest of the week and asked me to take full rest (bed rest).

Alhamdullillah the spotting is about to stop. Really hope it will stop fully.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Prayers needed

8 weeks now and had spotting just now. I am so scared and don't know what to do. Dont even able to tell DH about this yet.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

Does miracles happen?

I dont want to drag much.

Yes, i test it at home first and it came out double line in less than 2 minutes. I just cant believe my eyes and my whole body was shivering. Alhamdullillah... finally after 4 and 1/2 years, my first BFP ever. Doctor confirm it again today. Millions thanks to all my TTC friends who keep me strong along thing journey and say my name in your prayers. I pray for you guys too. Hugs ppl!

PS - Those who know me personally, please keep this as secret for time being since its too early to spread the news. Im just 5 weeks and me and DH is very scared. Its not an easy journey to get this BFP. For now, we decided only to inform both our parents, thats all... not even the siblings yet.

PS again - I am sorry if this update  hurt my dear ttc friends in any way. I've been there for years and do understand it. Its nothing wrong to feel the way you are feeling right now. InsyaAllah your time will come soon.

Sunday, August 14, 2011


I cry every time listen to this doa and its meaning :`(

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

CD 34

No sign of AF yet.

It seems like the waiting game never ends. Its there anything called 3 weeks wait?

Now waiting for doctor's appointment next Monday (15th August 2011) to know the result of my IUI #2.

On the other hand, Alhamdullillah and thanks to PM for giving 1/2 month bonus for all government civil servants. Something is always better than nothing.

Monday, August 8, 2011


Yesterday when i was browsing through fb, this particular woman said hi and started conversation with me. Since i was bored, i continue to entertain her. But, the first question that she asked was, “So how are you? Is there any good news for you yet? My niece who just married last month is now pregnant. Awal rezeki dia.”

I'm so irritated with her question. Maybe she just concern. But if you are really concern about me, you should not ask that question first after giving your salam and you’ve been in my shoes before. You had your first child after 6 years if not mistaken. You should understand better about the sensitivity of an infertile soul. She is the same person who gave me the unwanted advice back then regarding LPPKN is bad and so on.

Because of this, i went offline from chat and put everyone in my ‘limited’ group. Those who are in that group will not able to see my wall post, my pictures and also will not able to see me online. Padan muka! I put everyone in that list too because i need some time to reorganize my friend list. Mean time, nobody will be going to disturb me in fb.

I really hope, if one day I've became a mom, i really hope i wont ask such questions to anyone and i really hope i will always be reminded of my infertile journey. Well, I've always been infertile.

Ya Allah,  please always remind me of all the pain that I've gone through and going through in this journey in all the phase of my life. I don't want to be in the “lupa daratan group”. Ya Rahman, please provide the courage to me to remain the same forever.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Awareness: Ectopic Pregnancy

An ectopic pregnancy is an abnormal pregnancy that occurs outside the womb (uterus). The baby (fetus) cannot survive, and often does not develop at all in this type of pregnancy.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

An ectopic pregnancy occurs when a pregnancy starts outside the womb (uterus). The most common site for an ectopic pregnancy is within one of the tubes through which the egg passes from the ovary to the uterus (fallopian tube). However, in rare cases, ectopic pregnancies can occur in the ovary, stomach area, or cervix.

An ectopic pregnancy is often caused by a condition that blocks or slows the movement of a fertilized egg through the fallopian tube to the uterus. This may be caused by a physical blockage in the tube by hormonal factors and by other factors, such as smoking.

Most cases of scarring are caused by:

  • Past ectopic pregnancy

  • Past infection in the fallopian tubes

  • Surgery of the fallopian tubes

Up to 50% of women who have ectopic pregnancies have had swelling (inflammation) of the fallopian tubes (salpingitis) or pelvic inflammatory disease (PID).

Some ectopic pregnancies can be due to:

The following may also increase the risk of ectopic pregnancy:

In a few cases, the cause is unknown.

Sometimes, a woman will become pregnant after having her tubes tied (tubal sterilization). Ectopic pregnancies are more likely to occur 2 or more years after the procedure, rather than right after it. In the first year after sterilization, only about 6% of pregnancies will be ectopic, but most pregnancies that occur 2 - 3 years after tubal sterilization will be ectopic.

Ectopic pregnancy is also more likely in women who have:

  • Had surgery to reverse tubal sterilization in order to become pregnant

  • Had an intrauterine device (IUD) and became pregnant (very unlikely when IUDs are in place)

Ectopic pregnancies occur in 1 in every 40 to 1 in every 100 pregnancies.


If the area of the abnormal pregnancy ruptures and bleeds, symptoms may get worse. They may include:

  • Feeling faint or actually fainting

  • Intense pressure in the rectum

  • Pain that is felt in the shoulder area

  • Severe, sharp, and sudden pain in the lower abdomen

Internal bleeding due to a rupture may lead to low blood pressure and fainting in around 1 out of 10 women.

Signs and tests

The health care provider will do a pelvic exam, which may show tenderness in the pelvic area.

Tests that may be done include:

A rise in quantitative HCG levels may help tell a normal (intrauterine) pregnancy from an ectopic pregnancy. Women with high levels should have a vaginal ultrasound to identify a normal pregnancy.

Other tests may be used to confirm the diagnosis, such as:


Ectopic pregnancies cannot continue to birth (term). The developing cells must be removed to save the mother's life.

You will need emergency medical help if the area of the ectopic pregnancy breaks open (ruptures). Rupture can lead to shock, an emergency condition. Treatment for shock may include:

  • Blood transfusion

  • Fluids given through a vein

  • Keeping warm

  • Oxygen

  • Raising the legs

If there is a rupture, surgery (laparotomy) is done to stop blood loss. This surgery is also done to:

  • Confirm an ectopic pregnancy

  • Remove the abnormal pregnancy

  • Repair any tissue damage

In some cases, the doctor may have to remove the fallopian tube.

A minilaparotomy and laparoscopy are the most common surgical treatments for an ectopic pregnancy that has not ruptured. If the doctor does not think a rupture will occur, you may be given a medicine called methotrexate and monitored. You may have blood tests and liver function tests.

Expectations (prognosis)

One-third of women who have had one ectopic pregnancy are later able to have a baby. A repeated ectopic pregnancy may occur in one-third of women. Some women do not become pregnant again.

The likelihood of a successful pregnancy depends on:

  • The woman's age

  • Whether she has already had children

  • Why the first ectopic pregnancy occurred

The rate of death due to an ectopic pregnancy in the United States has dropped in the last 30 years to less than 0.1%.


The most common complication is rupture with internal bleeding that leads to shock. Death from rupture is rare.

Calling your health care provider

If you have symptoms of ectopic pregnancy (especially lower abdominal pain or abnormal vaginal bleeding), call your health care provider. You can have an ectopic pregnancy if you are able to get pregnant (fertile) and are sexually active, even if you use birth control.


Most forms of ectopic pregnancy that occur outside the fallopian tubes are probably not preventable. However, a tubal pregnancy (the most common type of ectopic pregnancy) may be prevented in some cases by avoiding conditions that might scar the fallopian tubes.

The following may reduce your risk:

  • Avoiding risk factors for pelvic inflammatory disease (PID) such as having many sexual partners, having sex without a condom, and getting sexually transmitted diseases (STDs)

  • Early diagnosis and treatment of STDs

  • Early diagnosis and treatment of salpingitis and PID

  • Stopping smoking


(Source: PubMed Health)

Saturday, August 6, 2011


Alhamdulillah. CD31 and manage to finish my last pill of duphaston just now.

AF is due tomorrow.

Dear AF,

Please stay away from me for another 9 months please? I really beg you.

Don't be so cruel to me please?


Friday, August 5, 2011


Wow, finally reached the 14dpiui (the end of 2ww) for the first time in medicated cycle. All this while, i will have my menses when im in 9 or 10 dpo.Well, its just a 2 weeks wait of an IUI cycle and the wait is terrible. I wonder how those who had their embryo transfer and survive their 2ww.

fingers crossed
that everything will work out OK.

Surviving The Two Week Wait

Oh I must survive the 'Two Week Wait',
To see what will be, what is our fate.
It should not be bad, I'll keep busy with lots,
At least it's better than all those darn shots!

Day 1 I'll go for a nice calming walk,
And with my DH try not to talk
About kids and plans and names and such,
And try not to get our hopes up too too too much.

Day 2 Ahh, for today, I'll do some nice light cleaning,
And try not to think and keep myself from seeing,
Everyone around me with their cute babies,
And try to stop the incessant 'maybes'.

Day 3 with the In-Laws we'll dine,
Who don't know what's up, think everything is fine.
"No, thank you, I'll pass, I won't have the wine."
Stop looking at me, Mother-in-Law! No, it's not a sign!

Day 4 I'll look at my closet again,
Maybe a quick clean, then onto the den,
You know a crib would look great right over there,
Wait! Stop thinking about that, it just isn't fair!

Day 5, good grief! Will this day never end?
Where is my phone, can I call a friend?
And was that a twinge, or just anticipation?
Or am I one of those women who can actually feel implantation?

Day 6 I'm fine, I'm not going mad
But I keep looking at my dear husband, trying to see a Dad.
I have to keep busy, keep my mind occupied,
On trivial things, not what maybe happening inside!

Day 7, oh JOY, oh bliss, we are half way there!
No, I'm not obsessing, I haven't a care,
The first week flew by, I could hardly even tell,
And if you believe that I have a Bridge I can sell...

Day 8, Wait, are my breasts sore tonight?
Or, did I just wear my new bra too tight?
Am I feeling sick, nausea in the morning?
Or was that old expiration date actually a good warning?

Day 9, day 9, everything is fine!
Its not that I'm edgy, I SAID I WAS FINE!
Sorry, I did not mean to snap, but my temper is quick,
Is tomorrow too early to pee on a stick?

Day 10, For one day I'd just like to forget,
Not go crazy with days, my mind to reset.
A good friend she told me, "Remember, try not to dwell!"
Oh give me a break, this two weeks... umm, *Aint swell*!

Day 11, Well what to do, maybe I'll clean again?
Oops, my closet is empty and I blew up the den.
OK, I'll watch some TV to take my mind off the maybes

Day 12, good grief, I don't know how I will cope,
I want to be optimistic, to have some hope,
But I am afraid of disappointment, of again this not being the time,
If someone could make days fly, I'll give my last dime!

Day 13 is supposed to be Lucky, they say
Personally I wish it would just go away,
I am done with watching the days crawl by,
I hate all this waiting, too long have we tried.

Day 14, Wait, what? It's finally here?
Today we find out if a baby is near?
Umm, wait, now I don't know if I really want the real truth
I kind-of liked day-dreaming, but betas the proof!

So now it's off to the bathroom I go,
So far so good, I don't see Aunt Flow.
I open the package, pee and it will tell our fate,
Oh dear, now how do I survive this TWO MINUTE WAIT???

S. Hamilton
October 2, 2010

(Source: BabyandBump)

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over and over again, but expecting a different result. - Albert Einstein

Thursday, August 4, 2011


I still have 2 and 1/2 days to finish my Duphaston. According to doctor, once finished the Duphaston, period should come within 1 week if not pregnant. I believe that is why the next appointment with the doctor for the upt is on 15th of August = 1 week after period is due.

Although i thought i want to test the UPT tomorrow on 14dpiui - 2 weeks after iui, now i think i might want to wait little longer.


Walmart once introduced Midge, Barbie’s pregnant friend, in the toy department. Sure. Barbie’s friend can get pregnant but you are still stuck in the infertile aisle.

(Source: 999reasontolaugh )

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Google says i can already test. But im not going to test until my period is delay (if happens). Experience says, when you test the hpt, then period will come on the same day.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Don't know what to write... mind is so confused and corrupted!

Monday, August 1, 2011


...and scared

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Ramadhan Mubarak…

Alhamdullillah… the holy month is back.


Lets make use of it to the fullest.

Saturday, July 30, 2011


I’ve been reading the story of ‘Nafastari’ and ‘Mawar’ for quite some time. But i dont know what caused nafastari’s death. I just googled ‘Nafastari’ and got the answer for me my question, by accident with horse. He is my age, father of 2. His wife is just 26. Too young for this test but Allah knows what is the best for his servants.

Just heard a news of a relative of mine, her husband has azoospermia = zero sperm. The couple are still young too and they may try IVF or the only choice is adoption. I'm not sure what and where they want to start the treatment. After all, there’re not in KL.

Been thinking of both of them regularly and my heart really goes for them. May Allah give all the strength in this world for them to continue this life as a normal person.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Surviving the Two Week Wait

14 Things to Do when 14 Days Seem Like Forever, by Lynn Steen

Please note that this is a humourous article and is not intended as advice.

As any woman who is trying to get pregnant can tell you, the two weeks from ovulation to the due date for your next period are pure torture. You promise yourself you’ll just wait it out, distract yourself with other activities and you won’t even THINK about taking a pregnancy test until you’re at least a day overdue. Then something happens – your breasts start hurting in a slightly different way than they did before, you get slightly nauseous, you have some spotting, or nothing happens, but you find yourself waking up wishing you could go to sleep again so that it would be another day closer to knowing. You can’t think, you can’t sleep, you can’t work, and you start taking HPT’s days before they are even possibly meaningful. You are deep in the abyss of THE TWO-WEEK-WAIT!

In my opinion, it’s no use advising women to stop obsessing, it’s impossible. Instead, I give you a list of more productive ways to obsess. Please note, however, that there is a limit that each woman must define for herself, between indulging in some baby daydreaming and going overboard. I’ve included some examples below:

1. Take a walk around your neighborhood and figure out what will be the best route for strolls with the baby. Find areas with nice pavements and easy curbs. Go ahead and daydream. But do NOT buy a stroller for the dog.

2. Clean out your wardrobe to make room for the maternity stuff you’ll be buying soon. Try on anything you haven’t worn for six months. Yes, if you wish, you may put a pillow in your undies to see what will work as maternity wear. But taking a picture of yourself like that is going too far.

3. Start a journal. Write down everything you’re feeling. It will be a great opening chapter for your child’s baby book. If you can’t put your feelings into words, draw something; try to create a symbol that expresses the frustration you’re feeling. Don’t get that symbol tattooed on your ankle.

4. Plant a hope garden. Or a hope rosebush. Or a hope citrus tree. You want to grow something inside of you, well start by growing something outside of you. Nurture it. Feed it. Give it water. Talk to it. But do not send out birth announcements.

5. Get better at photography. Really learn how to work all the buttons and settings on your camera. Experiment! If you have a digital camera, get all the downloading and editing stuff worked out. You will be well prepared once you have a baby, and will be able to get some great shots and get them emailed to your family before the child’s graduation. Do not take photos of your cervical mucous, even if Toni Weschler begs you.

6. Make an appeal to the committee meeting going on inside you. Sperm, egg, uterus, corpus luteum, progesterone – they are in there either making a baby or not. Treat them like any other unruly committee you’ve ever addressed. Yes that’s right, go ahead and talk to them. Put your hands on your stomach and tell them how much you respect them. Make your best argument in favor of a baby, and then let them decide. It’s out of your hands. Addressing the committee within earshot of normal people is not recommended.

7. Paint your toenails. Imagine how difficult this will be when you are pregnant. Go shopping for the perfect pink and blue nail polish in preparation for a celebration polish. Alternating colors on the day you find out you’re pregnant, or a single color for the day you find out the baby’s sex. Don’t be tempted to paint a cycle day countdown on your big toes.

8. Make a cup of herbal tea. It is a nice ritual: boiling the water, adding the tea leaves, pouring into a nice china cup, adding some milk or sugar, sipping peacefully. Ahhhh. There’s nothing that a nice cup of tea won’t help. Yeah right. Well it does kill a little bit of time.

9. Swim laps. Think about the sperm and how they need to swim to your egg. Imagine that you are a sperm, the end of the pool is the egg, then GO, GO, GO! Don’t wear a tail or anything. Just imagine it quietly.

10. Make lists. List all the people you will tell when you get pregnant, and in what order. List all the little jobs you need to get done instead of obsessing about this 2WW! List all the healthy activities you intend to do this week. List all the girl and boy names you like. Lists are helpful for all sorts of things, most of all for passing time rather than actually doing something.

11. Create a fertility dance. Choose whatever music speaks to your soul and make up a dance routine as a prayer to the universe for the growth of an embryo. Move your hips, rotate your belly, let your arms flow – but close the curtains.

12. Prepare a folic acid feast. Cream of broccoli soup as an entree, followed by spinach lasagne, enriched whole grain garlic bread and frozen orange juice sorbet for dessert. Dedicate the meal to your baby-to-be. Just don’t set a highchair at the table in his or her honor.

13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any “symptoms,” such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue… you will be surprised how many people, male and female, have early pregnancy symptoms if they just look for them.

14. Write a list of 14 things to do during the Two-Week Wait and post it to the internet. For me, this killed nearly 3 hours. Now what? I’ve still got 9 days to go? Aaaarrgrhhhh.

(Source: BellyBelly)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Awareness: Chemical Pregnancy


What Is A Chemical Pregnancy?

A chemical pregnancy is the clinical term used for a very early miscarriage. In many cases, the positive pregnancy test was achieved before the woman's period was due but a miscarrige occured before a heartbeat was able to be seen on an ultrasound.

With the ultra sensitive pregnancy tests on the market today, it is easier than ever to get a positive result 3 or 4 days before your period is due. It is wonderful for those who NEED to know, but does have it's down side. Early testing shows chemical pregnancies which would not have been detected had the woman waited for her period to arrive.

Chemical pregnancies are unfortunately very common. 50 to 60% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage very early in pregnancy. Most occur without the woman even knowing that she was pregnant.

What Causes a Chemical Pregnancy

Most chemical pregnancies are due to chromosomal problems in the developing fetus. Other possible causes are inadequate uterine lining, uterine abnormalities both congenital or acquired like fibroids, low hormone levels, luteal phase defect or certain infections.

How can I Prevent Chemical Pregnancies

Most chemical pregnancies can not be prevented. If you have recurring chemical pregnancies, your doctor should be able to investigate and help you formulate a treatment which is best for you. Potential treatments include vitamin B6 (at least 50mg a day), progesterone cream, and baby asprin. Be sure to discuss potential treatments with your doctor.

If infection is the cause, antibiotics prescribed by your Doctor can help.

(Source from BabyHopes)

Wednesday, July 27, 2011


Tomorrow insyaAllah will be my last day of fasting... its been so hard this year to fast in between period and regular clinic visits. I missed 15 days of fasting last Ramadhan... hope this year i will get all 30 days, Amin :)

Friday we will have 'makan-makan' session at office welcoming Ramadhan next week. I'm so excited.

Sunday, July 24, 2011


The most i have friends from outside Malaysia would be less than 5 countries but i had visitors from 45 countries to my blog.


One common thing from all this people that came here is ‘Infertility’. Well, we are not alone. It is an international problem. Lets hold our hands together, be strong and try harder each cycle and reach our dream sooner or later.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

IUI #2


My last injection for this cycle, Pregnyl taken on Wednesday night.

IUI #2 went on smoothly. We are a bit late to clinic but happen to be just a perfect timing. I recite Nabi Yunus doa while waiting for the procedure and Alhamdullilah, this IUI was less painful then the first one. Everything was done in less than 5 minutes.


(Ultrasound report as on 20th July 2011)

What i like about IUI? Of course the MC :)

Back home and took bed rest for the rest of the day. I had a bad cramping and stomach pain when im home. I believe its ovulation pain. Had that before when i had 8 good follicles last time. Although the scan shows only 4 mature follicles, there are another 2 possible follicle (16x13 and 11x16) which might already grew in the past 2 days and was released together with the 4 more follicles. This means, i had a total of 6 follicles this cycle.

I had a small strain after the IUI too… but only once and no more.

Back to normal today (1dpiui) and feeling good. No more cramping and stomach pain although the stomach is bloated.

Officially in 2ww again.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

CD 14

Updates as of today (20/7/2011):

ET : 14mm (doctor said very good)
Left Ovary: out of 4 follicles, 2 follicles are good ( 17x14 and 21x14)
Right Ovary: Out of 5 follicles, 2 good follicles as well (21x15, 19x8)

Will be taking Pregnyl injection tonight (to release the eggs from the ovary)
IUI will be on 22nd July.

(Pic Source: google)

So much of effort, hope and prayers are been put for this cycle. We’ll see how it goes.
Positive or negative, I'll leave it to the Allah :)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Infertility: Islamic Perspective – 4. Ultrasound scan does not nullify fasting

Fatawa Issuing Body : Islam Web
Author/Scholar : Dr. Abdullah Al-faqih
Date Of Issue : 21 Shawwal 1424

Question:What is the Fatwa if a woman examined by a doctor/ultrasound scan as treatment for her infertility from her vagina during the day of Ramadan? Does she need to make up for that day?

Answer:Praise be to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds; and may His blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad and upon all his Family and Companions. Inserting something in vagina for the purpose of a medical examination does not affect the fast as decided in the tenth session of the Council Of Islamic Fiqh, held in Jeddah in 1997 AD. The resolution contains many matters that do not affect the fasting. According to that resolution the following matters do not break fast: "Anything inserted into the vagina, such as pessaries, douches, scopes or fingers for the purpose of a medical examination. Insertion of a scope or intra-uterine device (IUD or "coil") and the like into the uterus. Insertion into the urethra - for males or females - of a catheter, opaque dye for diagnostic imaging, medication or solutions for cleansing the bladder". Therefore, this woman does not need to make up for the day in which she received the mentioned examination, unless there are some other reasons for that. However, we inform that it is better to undertake such examination after breaking the fast. As a general rule, a woman is not allowed to receive treatment from a male doctor except if there is no female doctor and she is in dire need for that treatment.
Allah knows best.

(Taken from : USIM Fatwa Management System)

With regards to vaginal examinations, Mufti Ebrahim Desai states: “If no medication has been inserted into the vagina, the fast will not be broken. If any gel or other substance was inserted into the vagina, the fast will break. Ultrasound scanning does not invalidate the fast.” With regards to injections, the Mufti states: “It is permissible to take an injection during fasting. The injection does not nullify the fast. (Ahsanul Fataawa vol.4 pg.432).”

My conclusion on this topic is although the transvaginal ultrasound itself will not broke the fast, for the ultrasound procedure, normally the doctor will put some gel such as KY Jelly to ease the scanning process. According to Mufti Ebrahim Desai, it is not allowed although the gel was used just as lubricant.


My appointment was yesterday. As for CD12, i just had 1 follicle that are mature enough. So, doctor asked to go for another round of gonal-f. When i was about to get my medicine, u know what, gonal-f is out of stock!! The nurse says this year they have lots of patients and there is no more stock. Need to come again after 4pm.

My next appointment will be on Wednesday and if everything is according to the plan, the IUI #2 will be on coming Friday. Hope the holy Friday brings me luck for the long awaited little miracle.

Sunday, July 17, 2011


It looks like more and more TTC friends are getting pregnant. Alhamdullillah and congrats to Ummi, Tinie, Mummy Tiesya and Cikcokelat. It creates more hope to the others to have that little faith ‘My time will come soon’.

Apart from that, the fertile ones don't want to be left out. Yesterday, i received 2 sms about the giving birth and this morning another one which i don't even knew they were pregnant. The only thing that was in my mind was, ‘Oh, its that season again’.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

Additional Effort

Apart from my daily intake of folic acid, im taking:


Habatussauda (Black Seed) – 7 seeds daily in the morning


First time tried the goat milk and for me who doesn't drink milk, i can take it without any prob. Definitely i blend it with 7 dates and drinking it daily.


Blackmores Evening Primrose Oil, bought it few months back and unable to take it because the pill is so big! But, instead of just wasting it, i tried it and continuing with it.


I still have some ‘buah zuriat’ given by my friend. Still struggling to peel it… :(



No harm trying right?

Worlds Oddest Mother

Yesterday while surfing on Oprah's website, bump into news related to Octomom, Nadya Suleman. Read about her long time ago and i read about her again last night. Then i surf more about here and i found one forum which provide 'Worlds Oddest Mother'.

Let me warn you, i am not responsible for the roller coaster emotions that you are going to have after go through this entry.

Mother of Most Surviving Children From a Single Birth (8 babies)

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Nadya Denise Doud-Suleman Gutierrez, known as Octomom in the media, is an American woman who came to international attention when she gave birth to octuplets in January 2009. The Suleman octuplets are only the second full set of octuplets to be born alive in the United States and, one week after their birth, surpassed the previous worldwide survival rate for a complete set of octuplets set by the Chukwu octuplets in 1998. The circumstances of their high order multiple birth have led to controversy in the field of assisted reproductive technology as well as an investigation by the Medical Board of California of the fertility specialist involved. Public reaction turned negative when it was discovered that the single mother already had other six young children at home at the time and was not financially independent. Suleman, who was unemployed and on public assistance programs at the time, conceived the octuplets and her six older children via in-vitro fertilization.

World's Youngest Mother (5 years old)

Into the hospital at Pisco (Peru) came a tired, ragged Indian woman from the foothills of the Andes. She led by the hand a shy little girl, scarcely three feet tall, with chestnut braids and an enormously bulging abdomen. Pointing to the frightened child, the Indian woman begged surgeon Geraldo Lozada to exorcise the evil spirits which had taken possession of her. Certain that little Lina Medina had an abdominal tumor, Dr. Lozada examined her and received the surprise of his life when he discovered she was eight months pregnant

World's Oldest First Time Mother (70 years old)

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Meet Rajo Devi Lohan, the Indian woman who, in November 2008, gave birth to her first child - at the age of 70. She said she had waited for more than 40 years for this child and that she plans to breastfeed her for at least three years. And, who knows, maybe she will.

The Mother With the Most Births (69 kids)

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Feodor Vassilyev (1707-1782), was a peasant from Shuya, Russia. Though not noteworthy himself, his first wife, Valentina Vassilyeva, set the record for most children birthed by a single woman. She gave birth to total of 69 children; however, few other details are known of her life, such as her date of birth or death. She gave birth to 16 pairs of twins, 7 sets of triplets and 4 sets of quadruplets between 1725 and 1765, in a total of 27 births. 67 of the 69 children born survived infancy.

World's First Male Mother

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Thomas Beatie, who was born a woman but lives as a man in Oregon after surgery and hormone treatment, was the first man to become a mother. Beatie, 34, who is legally a man but kept female reproductive organs when he had a sex-change operation 10 years ago, made headlines around the world and was dubbed the "pregnant man" before giving birth to a baby girl on June 29. After giving birth he did not go back on the male hormone testosterone that he took after his sex change, because he wanted to have another baby. Beatie's wife, Nancy, 46, whom he married five years ago, was unable to conceive because of a prior hysterectomy. That is why he had a baby himself, through artificial insemination using donor sperm and Beatie's own egg.

World's Oldest Mother of Twins (70 years old)

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She was utterly determined to have a son. The fact that to do so would make 70-year-old Omkari Panwar the world's oldest mother didn't even cross her mind. Her resolve was matched by her husband Charan Singh Panwar, 77. To pay for the IVF treatment vital to producing a male heir to the family's smallholdings, the retired farmer sold his buffalos, mortgaged his land, spent his life savings and took out a credit card loan. And it all paid off when Mrs Panwar gave birth to twins - a boy and girl - by emergency aaesarean section in a hospital in Muzaffarnagar, seven hours drive north ofthe Indian capital New Delhi.

World's Most Prolific Surrogate Mother (12 babies)

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Surrogate mother Carole Horlock, 42, has delivered 12 babies in 13 years - including triplets, setting the world record for the most prolific surrogate mother. She told the ABC News program "20/20." : "When I first started being a surrogate I expected to do it once," she said. "I hadn't looked past that. But I enjoyed it so much. Before I actually had given birth to the baby I wanted to do it again." Surrogates receive an average $25,000 to $30,000 for their services, "20/20" said. The downsides include in-vitro fertilization, morning sickness, bed rest, Caesarean sections and stretch marks.

Horlock will make no demands on the parents of the triplets beyond requesting an annual letter and photograph to let her know how they are doing. But her surrogacy experiences have not all been positive. Her father rarely speaks to her, distressed that she is effectively giving away his grandchildren.

World's Smallest Mother (2ft 4in)

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The world's smallest mother is about to give birth for the third time - despite warnings she is risking her life.

Stacey Herald, who is just 2ft 4in tall, was told that becoming pregnant could kill her, but bravely defied doctors to have two babies half her height. The 35-year-old from Dry Ridge, Kentucky in the U.S. suffers from Osteogenesis Imperfecta, which causes brittle bones and underdeveloped lungs, and means she failed to grow. Mrs Herald, who uses a wheelchair, and her husband Will, who is 5ft 9in, are eagerly awaiting the birth of their third baby, due in the next four weeks.

Mother of the World's Tinniest Baby

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Mahajabeen Sheikh gave birth to Rumaisa Rahman on September 19 2004 at Loyola University Medical Center. The baby weighed just 8.6 oz and was only 10 inches long and replaced Madeline Mann, born in 1989, as the world's smallest baby. At 1.3 ounces smaller than Madeline Mann, Rumaisa Rahman weighed less than a can of beer. She was born just 25 weeks and six days into her mother's pregnancy.

Mother With the Longest Interval Between Kids (41 years)

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Elizabeth Ann Buttle had two kids, Belinda and Joseph, which is nothing special in itself. Belinda Buttle was born on May 19, 1956 when Elizabeth Ann Buttle was 19. The amazing part is the interval between the birth of Belinda and Joseph, it is the longest interval between births ever.

Joseph Buttle was born on November 20, 1997 when Elizabeth Ann Buttle was 60, an interval of 41 years 185 days. If you're familiar with the song 'I am my own grandpa!', well, Joseph's sister was old enough to be his own grandma!

Mom with no legs and one arm

Melek, 24, becomes a mother of nine-months-old Semih. Despite of having no legs and only one arm, she still successfully had baby thanks to caesarean section.

Melek and Mehmet are enjoying their endless happiness with their son Semih.

(Source: Globaltimes)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


Last Sunday when me and DH went to movie, we had plenty of time before the movie starts. So had our dinner and start talking few things about this TTC. In early days of treatment, we use to go together to clinic but since his actual presence is only needed on the IUI day, I'll go alone.

Let him know that Monday morning i need to go to LPPKN. He kind of not interested. He said he’s lazy with this TTC thing. Try and try and no success. During the IUI #1, his SA count was 40 million. If we take 40 million as a minimum count, if BD was done for 3 time during the ovulation it will be 120 million. Yet, none of those met the little egg. Its frustrating. I don't know how to console him.

Deep down in my heart, i want to go for IVF straight without IUI anymore. But, doctor at LPPKN doesn't allow IVF with just 1 IUI. Though i am so scared about IVF. How if its fails too? I’ve been reading a fair share of success and failed IVF stories. It hurts, although it is other person’s story. At the same time, really hoping for the IUI #2 to success. Prayers needed my dear friends.

(Pic source: Indah Khairani)

I find myself hopeful one day and depressed and beat down the next. Help me ya Allah! Sometimes i wonder if i was never made to conceive. This thought will always come and go regularly since in this 4.5 yrs, we failed to produced any single baby, not even miscarriage/ectopic/molar and what so ever. No... im not praying to have miscarriage/ectopic/molar its just the thought of not able to "make babies" that haunt me.

Monday, July 11, 2011


What did i shop today? What else if not my infertility drugs? IUI #2 on the way…


It cost me RM639.10 today. Next appointment will be on next Monday.

P/S – Dr G not taking any Muslim patient who got their menses start from 16th July 2011 due to the fasting month.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Cry if you need to

PMS spoiled the whole day of yesterday. Pity DH.


Thursday, July 7, 2011


As expected, back to CD1 again this morning.

Hi AF,

Seems that you really miss me each and every month and you cant live without visiting me. By the way, I love you too!


Cycle days became shorter this 2 months… from 31 days to 21 days.

There is still rooms to go for IUI #2 before the fasting month starts next month.

My imperfections and failures are as much a blessing from God as my successes and my talents and I lay them both at his feet. - Mahatma Gandhi

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

CD21 @ 10dpo

I'm 10 days past ovulation. Started to had the pimples since few days back and having period like cramping. I guess ‘it’ didn't worked out this time either. Counting days for CD1 again which will knock the door anytime soon.
You always do a little growing up every time you do a little letting go. - Oprah Winfrey

Sunday, July 3, 2011

What do I think God meant when he gave me infertility?

I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up every time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility.

No, God never meant for me not to have children. That's not my destiny; that's just a fork in the road I'm on. I've been placed on the road less travelled, and, like it or not, I'm a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and greater inner strength on this journey to resolution, and I haven't let him down.

Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God has singled me out for a special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and so deep that when that baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest, most refreshing drink I've ever known.

While I would never choose infertility, I can not deny that a fertile woman could never know the joy that awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility. I already know."

- Author unknown

Friday, July 1, 2011

Cycle Updates

On my previous post, i said i might be having my menses this week. Last Friday, went for appointment to check the growth of my follicles and I did asked the doctor is it possible for me to get my period this week and he said, from the ultrasound, it doesn't seem like I'll be having menses anytime soon.

On CD9, i had 2 big follicles at 20mm and 19mm each. Others at around 14-15mm which will be continue grow if continue with the gonal-f. But since i request for time intercourse, doctor said 2 is more than enough (he actually don't prefer time intercourse for me since tried so many times before and it always fail and he keep saying better go for IUI).

Had my HCG shot (Pregnyl) on Saturday morning. The ‘mega project’ start 36 hours from the Pregnyl injection.

All done and now in 2ww. If it doesn't work out this cycle, its ok, i still can try again :)

I'm taking duphaston now for 16 days together with folic acid and black seed (habattussauda).

On separate note:

DH: Hey, i thought women will be having only 1 ovum per cycle?’

Me: Yes and that's for ‘normal women’. When I'm with the help of hormones medicine, it will stimulate the ovary to produce more ovum's.

After a while…

DH: So, that means you will be having your menopause very early since almost every month you are producing more than 1 egg. It will finish early then.

Me: (Silent-Speechless)


When the world says "Give Up" Hope whispers "Try it one more time."

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Maa Banne Wale Hai

Maa Banne Wale Hai - (going to be a mother).



Aiswarya Rai –the miss world. I like her so much for her acting, her dance, courage and of course for her beauty. I’ve been waiting for this news since they married back in 2007 (same yr as mine) but only yesterday Amitabh Bachan confirm the news on his twitter.

I should be happy for her.

I am sitting on the couch, sobbing uncontrollably. instead!

Who’s next? Datuk Siti Nurhaliza?

Tuesday, June 21, 2011


I had spotting last Thursday on CD22. I called the clinic and asked can i consider it as period or not because its still early and my cycle usually 28-31 days. Nurse just put me on appointment on the following day and the doctor asked me to consider it as period and sent me home with lots of Gonal-f injection.

My instinct says that its not period. Recently my period gone mad. It doesn't follow the typical rule anymore. It will start, then stop after few days then will be getting spotting for another few days and stop again and then followed by the actual menses. This is why i happen to missed the appointment to meet doctor after my failed IUI. 

I’ve started my clomid on Saturday and injection the following day. But the spotting last for 4 days and then it stops.  No normal flow at all and my period never end in 4 days before.. Doctor said the IUI #2 will be on 27 June. I told him that I'm not going to do IUI this cycle since I will be away next week and i wont be able to undergo lab treatment. I want to go for time intercourse and he agreed. 

Again, my instinct says, next Monday I'll be having my ‘actual’ period! 

On different note, I've been having gastric and diarrhea for 5 days now since the spotting started. DH checking with me whether I'm ok regularly during the night. Yesterday on MC and today back to work.

I am so tired!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011


So happy today coz the claimed that been pending since last year, finallygot it today. Submit the application end of last year and it was rejected. Submit again on February and received it today. It took 4 months to process with all the documentation right in place. Apa nak jadi ntah! I have not submitted the 2nd claim yet. So, will be getting it only end of the year i guess.

By the way, what im going to do with the money?

Option 1

My initial plan was, to keep it aside for my treatments. But then, yesterday came to know this particular auction house, near my parents house which is damn below the market price. Need to pay 5% if we are ok with the house. I knew the area and its very demanded place. So, thinking to invest in that.

Option 2

On the other hand, DH was not so interested with the holiday plan for next month for few reasons. One of the main reason was the tight budget. So, should i spend on this holiday trip then? Its a place which i’ve been dreaming to visit since my childhood days. According to DH, he asked me to cancel the trip and his going to pay me back the ticket price.

Overall, if the holiday trip did cancel at the end, will be getting additional money for the option no 1. But am i really into going to buy the house? Its another different story :p

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Jangan tertipu dengan dunia

Chatted with my best friend (male) on Friday night. He married end of last year and his wife is currently pregnant. Since i’ve known that she’s pregnant, i dont talk to him much coz i might not be a supporter for him when he talk about pregnancy and so on. So here’s the conversation – in Malay.

Report · 8:34pm



hws life?

dah ada baby?


Report · 9:16pm

im ok n still without bby


Report · 9:21pm

yeke ok...senyap ja


Report · 9:28pm

yela, xmo ganggu hg

mesti hg bz sokmo


Report · 9:28pm



Report · 9:28pm

bini kan preg


Report · 9:28pm

tak jugak...

itu betol...

bru p check up kat specialist...

no problem...


Report · 9:29pm

bilaa due?


Report · 9:29pm



Report · 9:29pm

ooh ok


Report · 9:30pm

tak p mana ka?'


Report · 9:30pm


actually aku saja menyendiri to be in my own cave


Report · 9:31pm

y is dat?


Report · 9:31pm

xtau camana nk ckp

im in a state where its diff to face ppl in daily life


Report · 9:32pm



Report · 9:32pm

so aku menyendiri

and feels better



Report · 9:33pm

hg kat mana lani?


Report · 9:33pm

kt umah la

mana lagi

cam soklan hg td

its a sensitive q for me

aku xsalahkan hg

tp its difficult for me


Report · 9:34pm

rileks la...

ada kebaikan lain kot...


Report · 9:34pm

i know

aku pun faham

but.. its hard to swallow those yg br kahwin smua preg

mungkin sensitivity laki lain kot on this matter

so i need time to convince my mind

tu jer

mesti hg tak faham apa2 kan



Report · 9:36pm


mmg pressure kot


Report · 9:37pm



Report · 9:37pm

apa solution skarg?


Report · 9:38pm

solution nya... i see the hikmah for not having kids yet and maybe i might not have any in future

mungkin akan ada...when the right time comes


Report · 9:39pm

aku dekat bk5

dok cari umah nak beli


Report · 9:39pm

cuma aku perlukan strength untuk menghadapi idup seharian ni


Report · 9:40pm

minum milo


Report · 9:40pm

blah la hg

minum milo buat per

and now i envy of ur life



Report · 9:41pm



Report · 9:41pm

settled and now dok cari rumah plak


Report · 9:41pm


on in heaven/hell

jgn tertipu ngn dunia



Report · 9:42pm

dunia is still important gak


Report · 9:43pm

live like waiting for a bus...

sedikit yg cukup utk bersyukur lebih baik dri byk dan melalaikan

aku tak suka tgk hg dok sedih2...

nti kita bual lain...

aku nak p mandi kuar...

catch u later...


This friend of mine, never failed to make me feel good. Its a big word “Jangan tertipu dengan dunia”. Im searching so many answers for so many questions in this world and he gave me one answer. We tends to see other ppl’s happiness and their beautiful life but we never realize that dunia is just temporary and there is something far more better waiting in hereafter.

Thank you G for the short conversation and sorry for putting it here (i did edit some of it). Its for me to look back and get my strength again and again each time i fall.