Monday, December 24, 2012

I'm Sorry

I used to hate to see ppl who post their babies pic to their fb.I hate to see their happiness. I've been in bad mood for several days just because someone update her fb profile pic their family pic on Eid. Well... the real reason was i am jealous with them. Because i cant hv that 'baby'. Because my family is not perfect. 

And now... after years of struggling... i am blessed with twins. It doesn't come easy anyway. Although i am quite resistance to upload my babies pic at first, now i am started to uploading them since ppl keep on requesting for it.

I know those TTCian in my friends list will be upset with it. I am sorry if I hurt any of your feelings. But i am not one of those who  got pregnant just after the wedding and keep on updating the baby pic on fb. I got the babies after the hard way.... from the road less traveled by 'normal' ppl and i think i am deserve to do so. Am i wrong? 

Note: Now i get jealous with every breastfeeding mom since i failed on that!

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Its gone

While doing something on my phone I noticed that pictures from my blogs displayed on my phone gallery.  So I went to picasa n deleted those albums.

So now the pics from blog its not showing in my phone anymore.  But guess whatt... all the pictures in all my blogs are GONE n I can't even retrieve it.

Nak berkabung setahun :(

Monday, October 22, 2012

Lesson learned

Infertility is a life long struggle. Even post baby.

Lesson learned. 

- Sarah

Friday, September 21, 2012

Without Uterus

Hi everyone. Me and the twins are doing good. They already 6 months now. All praises to Allah.

I do receive lots of email asking opinion and ppl who share their stories with me. I do find time to reply all of them. I would like to help my fellow ttcian the least that i can...

Recently someone commented on one of my post... my heard really goes for her. I couldnt imagine how strong she is and how she face her daily life. She was born without uterus. How could it be?? What treatment she can do without an uterus??? She wrote something to her husband which i would like to share with everyone.


I feel so bad for dragging you along in this...
Sometimes I wish I never got married
So that I'll be alone in this
And not put anyone through this pain

Sometimes while you're sleeping
I just look at you and feel sorry for making you go through this...
And other times I think to myself Why should I feel sorry for you?
You are going to have kids with or without me
The pain of not having them will be taken away from you one day or another
You will laugh, smile, cry, be upset, you will teach your son to ride a bicycle, you will kiss your daughter's forehead, you will drop your children to school, you will shop for your wife to get her a gift with your children, you will carry them on your shoulders, you will be in a labor room one day..........seeing your wife go through the pain of having your children and you will love her for it, you will appreciate her for it.....

and that wife won't be me...

While you're doing all that, I'll probably be at home lying in bed and crying my heart out like I am right now or even worse.

I remember a time when you told me 'What I have with you, I can never have with anyone else'....

Well...what you can have with anyone else, you can never have with me..

Sometimes I wish that you would be with me in this forever and that you would be patient and that we will wait and be content with whatever Allah has written....if we don't have it here, we'll have it in Jannah.

But I know you will be a father one day..a father to the children of another woman.......and I only pray that you both have all the happiness in the world.


This is a big test for her and i wish Allah gives her all the strength in this world so that she will able to live this life peacefully.

Friday, April 13, 2012

Miracle Babies are here

After years of trying, finally the miracle babies are here  via c-sect at 37w3d.

Miracles do happen...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Can't hide it anymore...!

First of all, i would like to apologize to all my TTC friends here for hiding something big all this while. I've been waiting for a right time to reveal it and i guess finally the time has come.

Pic source: Google
As some of you who already can guessed it, yes, we are having twins. It was my childhood dream to have twin kids and Alhamdullillah after all the struggles, Allah made it possible for us.

Here's the chronology of it

While im in my 2ww after the IUI, i kept on talking to the babies (since i had 4 good follicles) and really hoping for twins although i dont even know whether my IUI will be a success or not. I even created a ticker before i test the UPT.

I had my first ultrasound during 6 weeks when i had a terrible morning sickness. Doctor scanned and said that there is 2 sac and one with heartbeat and another without heartbeat.

The only thing that i can think of after the ultrasound was, i always wanted twins, its OK, at least i can see the both sacs together in the ultrasound and at least 1 has heartbeat and i was praying for the one that has heartbeat. 

When i was in 8 weeks into pregnancy (6th September), i had some spotting/bleeding. So went to HKL and after a long procedure and scan, the doctor said they can see 2 sacs too and 1 still doesnt have heartbeat. So the bleeding is because the one that doesnt have heartbeat is about to vanish (vanishing twins) and i should expect the bleeding to continue for few days. - Again i console myself and praying for the one that survived! 

On the very next day, we had our appointment at LPPKN. Mr hubs asked me whether there is chance for both babies doing ok and i just replied i dont think so since the HKL doc said the one is on the way to vanish. 

We told Dr G everything that happened and he just listened. Mr hubs was waiting outside when the ultrasound took place. To my surprise, Doc G confirms that there is 2 babies and both babies has heartbeat and both are active. I've started to cry and both my knees were shaking. Nurse asked mr hubs to come and when the doc showed him both babies and he smiles to his ears. His face is still in my mind, he was just so happy. Its really a miracle moment for both of us.

So, we knew we are having twins during our 2nd month. We decided to hide it from everyone including family members. Till now, only my parents, sister and some close friends knew that we are expecting twins. 

Actually we've wanted to wait till the babies are born to reveal this secret to TTC friends, but since the complications for twin babies is high, we need your prayers. I've reached the 7th month and its consider that the babies can be out anytime. The risk is higher.

We hope, everyone that reads this entry will pray for the safety of the both babies and the mother (me). Again, i am sorry for hiding it too long.

Miracles Do Happen! 

Allah Answers your prayers in 3 ways.
He says yes and gives it to you.
He says no and gives you better.
He says wait and gives you the best.