Thursday, December 30, 2010


The path to our destination is not always a straight one. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark. —  Barbara Hall

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What a fertile woman doesn't know


What a fertile woman doesn't know is . . .

the pain an infertile woman feels when she wakes up in the morning to an empty uterus, empty arms, and an empty heart.

why we keep the doors to our spare bedrooms shut - because we can't bear the thought that one of those rooms should be a nursery by now.

that we would die to experience her morning sickness or her swollen feet, just to know what it's like to have a baby growing inside of us.

how badly we want to have sleepless nights with a colic-y baby, more so than we want to go out drinking with our girlfriends.

that we go grocery shopping early in the morning, just to avoid running into her pregnant belly or her adorable toddler.

that while she is jealous of our latest vacation, we envy her messy house, her unwashed hair, and her stained T-shirt.

how difficult it is to sit through a baby shower when all we can think about is, "Will I ever experience one of these?"

the tortured feeling of not being able to give our parents grandchildren or make our husbands fathers.

why we dread going to family functions, change the channel when we see holiday commercials, and avoid the baby aisle at Target like the plague.

what it feels like to be trapped in a room and be the only woman in that room who has not experienced motherhood.

what it feels like to be trapped in a world where the only thing that makes a "real woman" is the ability to birth a child.

the pain an infertile woman feels when she lays her head on her pillow at night, and all she can think about is her empty uterus, empty arms, and empty heart.

Taken : From IF to when

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Was so bored and was looking at fb application and tried this particular application on “the best day of your life” and the result was

bestdayWhen you’ll have baby!”

I was just trying that application and seriously doesn't expect this as an answer…. and i started to cry


December 2010

My calendar for this month… I was supposed to do the pregnancy test yesterday if my period doesn't come… but I'm on cycle day 14 yesterday and still spotting till today. I was only free for 11 days for this month so far.


I'm using calendar from Taking Charge Of Your Fertility website… although I'm not temping but its easier to use the calendar….

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Bitter Truth

Our minds speak lies. They tell us what we want to see, what we most desire.Our hearts, however, speaks nothing but Sometimes Bitter Truth

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

The Claim Issue

Since I'm working with Government of Malaysia, I’m entitle to claim the treatment fee’s for this primary infertility if I'm having treatment with government clinic/hospitals. LPPKN is government clinic under Ministry of Women, Family and Community Development.

I was just allowed to claimed last week and i received the letter from the doctor to submit all the documents to my department.


I submitted everything last week. Last Friday, my boss was asked me about the claim saying why im only claim now for the whole year. It seems like he dont understand when i explain to him that i was actually waiting for the letter from the doctor.

Last week, i received the forms which was already signed by the big boss and today i received this letter and they give me back the forms which the signed page by the big boss was gone and they printed new form for that particular page before returning it to me.



Can you see the office politic here? Even im entitle for the claim they rejected me. Im pretty sure they will reject it next yr too saying that those bills are for the yr 2010 and cant pay for it.

Monday, December 20, 2010


Crying isn't showing your weakness. Its shows that you've been strong for too long...

Saturday, December 18, 2010


Decided to take a break for the new cycle of mine (no matter its IB/AF). Kinda tired with all the drugs that i’ve been taking and giving some side effects to my body. It lets my body to play tricks on me. So, taking a break now till the next cycle.

Thursday, December 16, 2010




But im not PG! I was just hoping for a baby to arrive ‘raya’ next year… seems like it never mean to be for this cycle!

Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Thinking whether should i continue the treatment now or wait first before the next round. Feel so helpless and useless.


It seems like its not IB and AF showing up. Called my RE and the nurse said it could be and AF and she made appointment for tomorrow morning. The new cycle started yesterday and the cycle days is only 21 for this time. sigh~~

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

IB or AF?

Im on 8dpo (days past ovulation) and I'm spotting today. My AF is due next week. I already have a AF symptoms like pimples and moody. Could i expect this as AF or Implantation Bleeding? If its AF, my cycle for this month will be only 22 days. So far this year i had never had any cycle below 28 days. Huh! This makes me mad!

I just haven't met you yet

"And I promise you kid I'll give so much more than I get. I just haven't met you yet." ~Michael Buble

Infertility Etiquette

Taken from Resolve.  Its not for us who are infertile… its others etiquette towards infertile couples and how they should treat them.


Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.

Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Monday, December 13, 2010

What Nobody Told You About Trying to Conceive...

  1. That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
  2. That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
  3. That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at Ovulation time.
  4. That the longer you TTC, the more Pregnant women spring up around you.
  5. That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
  6. That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
  7. That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
  8. That living your life in 2 week increments would be the norm
  9. That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
  10. That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant. (your dh has to do some work too)
  11. That you have no control over some of the goals you set...
  12. That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
  13. That one day my DH would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside (thanks HSGs).
  14. That miscarriage is so common.
  15. That I would wish we had started TTC earlier.
  16. That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy.
  17. That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this.
  18. That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
  19. That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
  20. That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
  21. That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
  22. That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
  23. Tat women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
  24. That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
  25. That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid.
  26. That having af show up makes you cry, no matter who's bathroom you are in.
  27. That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
  28. Feeling like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
  29. That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
  30. That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc.
  31. That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
  32. That infertility is more common than you think.
  33. That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
  34. That one day all of this will make us stronger.
  35. That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
  36. That no one I know (in my non FF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
  37. That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
  38. That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
  39. That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
  40. That my faith in God would be tested heavily.
  41. That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.
  42. That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
  43. That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pgcys, and slightly bitter towards married accidental pgcys.
  44. That I am so glad my niece was born when she was, early in our ttc, because if she were born now I don't think I could deal with it.
  45. That someone I thought to be my best friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.
  46. That I'd discover who my true friends are, both IRL and online.
  47. That I'd ever be able to bond with my step-sister (also infertile).
  48. That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS - because at least I know what's wrong.
  49. That I would know about other peoples' BD, CP, CM but not know there real name, their DH's name, or their occupation.
  50. That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
  51. That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)
  52. That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
  53. That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. I had no idea your uterus could be misshaped.
  54. That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
  55. That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.
  56. That some people just say the wrong things.
  57. That a simple blood test costs $648!
  58. That sex would ever become a chore!
  59. That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
  60. That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!
  61. That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
  62. That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
  63. That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
  64. That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
  65. That I would be so sad, and ashamed.
  66. That I would learn to speak in code
  67. Like I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN
  68. That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.
  69. That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
  70. That this would be, by far, one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
  71. That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it, but because your FM says high or peak.
  72. That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
  73. That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
  74. That I would be going to a psychic to find out if there was a baby in my future (she told me twins in 3 to 5 months!)
  75. That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
  76. That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
  77. That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days, and then chicken out.
  78. That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of taking your temperature?" (and this is after 20 months TTC...)
  79. That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is, and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
  80. That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would enfuriate me beyond belief.
  81. That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
  82. That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
  83. That I would have to help DH do it in a cup. (Just this morning!)
  84. That my friends who started TTC #1 around the same time we did would already be pregnant with #2 before we get pregnant with #1.
  85. That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."
  86. That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
  87. That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
  88. That it puts this much strain on a marriage.
  89. That I spent years trying not to get pregnant, and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
  90. It's good to know I am not alone.
  91. That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most. Also, they sound as if they are trying to talk me out of having kids, like it is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen to me.
  92. That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.
  93. That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
  94. That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
  95. That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.
  96. That a friend would hid and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset. (we found out when she gave birth)
  97. That sex does NOT ALWAY equal pregnancy or STD every time
  98. That your body has its own mind.
  99. That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
  100. That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.
  101. That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.
  102. That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.
  103. Life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.
  104. That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
  105. That all of a sudden nursing other people's babies becomes a depressing NOT joyful feeling
  106. That you feel useless as a female
  107. That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children
  108. That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right about of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.
  109. That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
  110. That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.


Taken from twoweekwait

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Unwanted Advice

One of the person that i know for couple of years now pregnant with baby no 3. Whats the big deal you may ask? Well, she is just like us who are TTCing for 6 yrs to get her first baby 2 yrs back. She again conceived another baby last yr and now currently pregnant again. As for me, Im seeing it as rezk of Allah for all the patience she has for the first 6 yrs of her married life and i congratulate her.
In reply, i received the most common question, the very sensitive question “u dah ada good news blm”? I just said, “still trying... quite depressing though... but its ok... ujian Allah :)”. After a while, I received another msg saying that:
never stop praying kan.. be near to HIM and ofcourse Allah nak kiter berusaha you shld go and seek medical advise dear.. jgn dok tunggu for miracle to happen.. we shld usaha towards it kay..
i replied in short, yes im under treatment at LPPKN.
Again, she replied:
frankly speaking i went to LPPKN too after i finished all my savings at KL Fertility & Gynaecology Centre with Dr Shant.. and the treatment sucks.. mmglah murah but the medicie given so low dose and takder effect lgsg...

stressed me up, i went to klinik naidu and got good news, conceived .. trylah go there.. sentul medical centre..
and my reply was “tak per la kak. before this i went to one fertility kat pj... dah byk spent kat situ. baru start sini and i feel confident here. So far doing good here. Tak nak la asyik2 dok tukar.”
Maybe she want to be generous and want to suggest the clinic that she went. I understood. But, the thing is, im ok if she said that all this while before this. Or before i told her im with LPPKN. Why now? For ppl like us, sometimes the advice given when we dont ask for it is very sensitive. And being her having difficulties having kid 6yrs, i thought she would understand… but im wrong again. Ppl will forget eh?
If its worked out for her, doesnt mean it will be working for me! Lots of ppl suggesting so many places… im not in a situation to try all the places that suggested to me. Its torturing ok! TTCing its not easy! Infertility is the most difficult time of your life spiritually, emotionally, financially, physically and mentally. I dont expect ppl who didnt go through TTC to understand any of this, but then… its sad when those who did still dont understand.

Friday, December 10, 2010


Remember me saying having stomach pain after the Pregnyl injection? It still continues until today… 7 days after. 2 days back, i called up the clinic and asked why im still having the pain even the ovulation its over and the nurse said, it shouldn't be the result of Pregnyl. It must be something else. But I'm not satisfied with the answer. Inform DH and we went to other clinic and the result was it must be the Pregnyl and the doctor don't want to give any medicine and to disturb the hormone.

So yesterday morning we went back to LPPKN, without an appointment beforehand. My stomach already grown big like 4 months pregnant by this time. DH much worried too. Need to wait till 1pm to meet the doctor even we already at the clinic by 9am. The doctor explained that yes, its the side effect from the medicine and its because having too much of mature follicle. My body never had matured follicle before. So doctor just asked me to take panadol and gave an day off.

Today the pain was ok but the stomach is still big and bloated. Hope it will be back to normal again.

When we are coming back from the clinic, DH was asking where we will be doing the aqiqah for the baby? at our house or at you mom’s place? I was like??? We don't even know we are successful this time or not how can u think about aqiqah? He was quite for a while then he start saying that he will be naming the kids later. Hmm, its clearly shows that DH is eagerly waiting to be a dad too even he hardly express his feelings. Sorry DH, cant give you child the past years and as for now :(

Dear my unborn child,

Im doing all this and facing all the pain because of you. I really hope one day you will be in my hand and playing with me and give me a wonderful smile.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Easy ways to calculate your cycle days

I usually just set into my calendar in my phone for the past years. Recently bump into Sis Irtiyah’s way of jotting down in easy way and i transferred all the data from the phone in to the excel and yes… its really2 easy to calculate your cycles days. Done redo the listing for the year 2010. Just realized that my cycle days are vary each month.

Still thinking whether need to track back all the previous years record.


Try it now gals.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

TTC acronyms

The things that i learnt today

AF – Aunt Flow = period (so in public u don't have to mention as period or menses)

BFN – Big Fat Negative (pregnancy test resulting in negative [not pregnant])

BFP – Big Fat Positive (pregnancy test resulting in positive [pregnant])

OPK – Ovulation Predictor Kits

DH – Dear Husband / Darling Husband

2WW – 2 weeks wait  to start doing the pregnancy test

CD (number) – Cycle Day

BBT - Basal Body Temperature

POAS – Pee on a stick (pregnancy test)

This are those acronyms found in some major Trying to Conceive sites/forums resulting me searching for the meanings. So now I'm sharing it with all of you.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Reason behind


Doa Nabi Zakaria

وَزَكَرِيَّا إِذْ نَادَى رَبَّهُ رَبِّ لاَ تَذَرْنِي فَرْداً وَأَنتَ


And (remember) Zakariya, when he cried to his Lord: "O my Lord! leave me not without offspring, though thou art the best of inheritors." Surah Anbiya (89)


I was injected with the pregnyl on Saturday morning. On Sunday early morning at 4am, i started to have stomach pain. The whole day i just cant walk or do anything. So i was bed rest. I guess due to the forced ovulations I'm having this symptoms. Doctor did mention that i do have quite a good number of follicles which are matured enough and might be having stomach pain. But never thought it will be this severe till i cant stand or walk.

Searched the net and this is what i found regarding the Pregnyl.

Some women using this medicine have developed a condition called ovarian hyperstimulation syndrome (OHSS), especially after the first treatment cycle. OHSS can be a life-threatening condition. Call your doctor right away if you have any of the following symptoms of OHSS:

  • severe pelvic pain;

  • swelling of the hands or legs;

  • stomach pain and swelling;

  • shortness of breath;

  • weight gain;

  • diarrhea;

  • nausea or vomiting; or

  • urinating less than normal.

This medication can cause early puberty in young boys. Call your doctor if a boy using this medicine shows early signs of puberty, such as a deepened voice, pubic hair growth, and increased acne or sweating.

Less serious side effects may include:

  • headache;

  • feeling restless or irritable;

  • mild swelling or water weight gain;

  • depression;

  • breast tenderness or swelling; or

  • pain, swelling, or irritation where the injection is given.

taken from

Friday, December 3, 2010

Its stopped

Yesterday went for the scan early morning. The mensus was still heavy and im not that comfortable to scan when im having period. But i have to choice. This time, doctor can see lots of good eggs (follicles) and the size of each was taken down. Doctor also mention that i was having abdominal pain coz of having lots of eggs this time. At least the Puregon is now working with me.
Still im still having period, doctor asked to come again for ultrasound today and provide me with another Puregon to inject that night.

I took the day off yesterday since im not comfortable with my period yet and also with the pain. I seriously did a right choice, the flow was still heavy and there are few blood clots discharged too. For a moment i thought is it miscarriage? Started to google about miscarriage and the symptoms was similar. But the thing is im not pregnant in the first place. So i kept aside that thought.

Today, the mensus fully stop for my surprise. It never happen like this before it just stop fully when the previous day it was heavy. But its my 11th day, so its ok lah it stops. The doctor was surprised too how yesterday was so heavy and today nothing at all. Todays scan shows matured eggs and again its quite many. The biggest size was 21mm, thus so far i never been beyond 16mm.

So doctor stopped giving me puregon and prescribe with other medicine called Pregnyl to be inject tomorrow morning and to have the timely intercourse according to the date given. This drug is to makes the eggs burst. I also given Duphaston tablet again to start from coming Sunday till 16 days twice daily. Im not sure this will work out for me or not but im just hoping for the best and if anyone reading this... please doa for me ok.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Still not ok

I should take MC today.. but after thinking high and low… i decided to go to work even I’m already quite late. The menses getting heavier and i cant bear the pain anymore. But not able to escape from work since i had a discussion with the user till past 3pm with no lunch in between. Now, i spoiled my office chair with the menses… my dress too and thank god i wore dark color dress. Couldnt go back to due to heavy rain. Hmmm.

Called the clinic asking whether should i still come for the scan tomorrow since having my period? She said just come.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Wonder whats wrong with my menses this month. Today is my 8th day of period and only now its getting heavier like day 1 or 2. Its also comes with period pain as well. huh, i just hate this… Is it the side effect from the hormone medicine? Previously i never had this type of issues. Must be because of the new medicine. Need to wait till tomorrow to see hows the flow and call the doctor if necessary…

3rd Cycle Treatment : LPPKN

Currently I'm on my 3rd cycle with LPPKN. This time, the doctor changed the medicine from Menonys to Puregon which is much more higher dosage. So need to inject twice using the Puregon Pen and 1 time using the syringe.


Husband was busy that day and i tried to inject my self using the syringe… but the needles doesn't enter my tummy at all. So i still have to wait for him to inject me the Puregon.

My next appointment is on coming Thursday to do the scanning. LPPKN wont be doing any IUI for december since they are renovating the lab. I still want to take the treatment to see the growth rate of the eggs and if it looks good, wants to try on natural ways.

I'm not hoping much to avoid disappointments …

Monday, November 29, 2010

2nd Cycle Treatment : LPPKN

The first cycle doesn't worked out and can proceed with IUI. Next appointment was given on 27 Oct. I was again given clomid and Menonys 150 (increase dosage) and same as before need to take the clomid for 5 days continuously and Menonys for alternate days.

Went for the scan on 4th November and again the egg still meet the minimum requirement that was needed for the IUI procedure. Was given another 2 round of Menonys again. Went for scan on 8th November and again the growth rate was still minimal. So have to stop again for this cycle.

Again the effort, money and the pain was useless.

1st Cycle Treatment : LPPKN

I called LPPKN to get an appointment on my first day of period and i received the appointment on 14th July. Doctor was to prepare us for IUI treatment. So i was given clomid (2 tablets daily), Menonys (75mg) – to inject alternate days for 3 days.

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Husband is the one who injects me, its kinda painful, but i have to bear it. Once done, the next appointment was on 20th July. Doctor scanned and it looks like my eggs doesnt big enough. So i was given another Menonys to inject and come again 2 days (22th July) later to scan again.

The appointment day came and the doctor scan and the results was still the same. So i was given another 2 round of Menonys although it will make my cycle a little bit longer. Scan was done again on my 3rd attempt on 26 July and the eggs doesnt seems to grow much. So have to stop the treatment for this cycle.

All the pains, the regular visits to the clinic and away from work was an wasted effort for this time round. We have to wait another 2 months before continue with the treatment due to fasting month and Eid.

Fertility Friend

Just register with Fertility Friend … you can get everything that you need from here and it will send some lessons to you via email. You can create for ovulation chart online as well…

Lets be friend with Fertility Friend :

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Fertility Treatment 2 : LPPKN

Day 1

After much of Google search regarding fertility treatment that available in Malaysia, I've been introduce to Lembaga Penduduk dan Pembangunan Keluarga Negara (LPPKN) by one of the blogger Little Mama Diary. So me and husband decide to continue the treatment with LPPKN instead of the previous place.

Received the first appointment on 8th of April 2010. So we went and register ourselves. The next thing was, husband was asked to to Sperm Analysis (SA) for him again. They don't want to count in any treatment records from the previous place and want us to start fresh. We agreed.

Apart from the SA, the blood from both of us was taken too.

That's it for the first day and it cost  us RM 146 ( Registering – RM 40, SA – RM50, Blood test – RM56).

Day 2

I was also asked to do  Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) test at Tawakal Hospital on 16th April 2010. HSG is an X-ray of the uterus and fallopian tubes which allows visualization of the inside of the uterus and tubes. This test is very important since it will allow us to know where the tubes are normal from any scars or blockage and we also will able to know the condition of our uterus.

The result was given on that day itself. Everything is normal for me and this costs me RM180.

Day 3

I was asked to come again on 26 April to test another round of blood test and they provide us with the blood test result which was taken on the first day of our appointment. This blood test cost us RM14.


I was asked to call on first day of period on the following month to get an appointment. So we got the appointment on 10th of May 2010. This is where the first time we meet the doctor and the doctor explains all the results for all the test taken. Since the appointment was on my 5th day of period, it is impossible to start with any medication. So we need to wait till the next period. This consultation with the doctor costs us RM10.


You can check on Little Mama Diary regarding the full process that she’s been through. A very good one!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Women With This Blood Type May Have Trouble Getting Pregnant

By Deborah Huso Oct 25th 2010 1:48PM

Categories: Women's Health

Pregnant WomanWhen researchers at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine studied a group of 560 women who were being treated for problems with infertility, they discovered that women with blood type O may have a much lower chance of getting pregnant, the Telegraph reported.

Their findings were to be released today at the American Society for Reproductive Medicine conference in Denver.

The study, led by Dr Edward Nejat in the department of Obstetrics and Gynecology at the Albert Einstein College of Medicine in New York, found that women with blood type O were twice as likely to have follicle-stimulating hormone levels above the normal threshold. FSH is the hormone that tells the ovaries to produce more eggs. As women age and egg production falls off, FSH levels increase.

Researchers also found that women with type A blood appeared to have more and better quality eggs than all other blood types.

But Dr. Elan Simckes, of Fertility Partnership in St. Louis, said women with type O blood shouldn't be overly concerned, while women with type A blood shouldn't celebrate just yet. He noted that while the researchers studied FSH, they did not look at other fertility tests such as Antral follicle counts and the anti-Mullerian hormone fertility test.

"It's a very interesting finding, but I don't think anybody should hit the panic button if they're type O," he told AOL Health, stressing that even modern fertility testing has its limits.

According to the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention, about 10 percent of women in the U.S. are considered infertile. Infertility is diagnosed when a woman tries to get pregnant for one year without conceiving. Because women over 35 are less likely to conceive easily, they are considered infertile after only six months of attempting without success to become pregnant.

While FSH normally increases when women enter their 30s and 40s, the current study discovered that FSH increased more in women with type O blood, indicating that those women had fewer available or high-quality eggs. But Simckes said that the FSH test should not be used alone.

The average age of women in the study was around 35. All were attending clinics for fertility treatment. According to the Mayo Clinic, women's egg quality starts to decline after the age of 32, and women over the age of 35 are at risk of miscarrying or of having babies with chromosomal abnormalities.

The current study may add another factor to a list of potential contributors to infertility, including disease, hormonal imbalance, lifestyle choices such as smoking or drug use, weight loss or gain, intense athletic training, and stress.

Simckes did caution about waiting too long to have a baby.

"Any woman at age 30 needs to pause and think," he added. "By the age of 30, she will only have 10 percent of her egg supply."

PS- I never thought blood group also plays a role in fertility issues… and my blood group is A positive. According to this research… i should have more quality eggs… but seems it doesnt.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Can fertility problems cause depression?



Yes, fertility problems can lead to depression. The expectations you had about how your life was "supposed" to work may not be playing out the way you'd hoped they would. The loss of the family you'd imagined having with your partner can repeat month after month. Feelings that your own body is letting you down can feel like a betrayal.

Most women grow up believing what they learned in high school — that it's easy to get pregnant. For many women, especially younger women, not conceiving may be the first really big disappointment they've had to deal with as an adult.

After realizing that nature isn't cooperating with your plans, you may begin to get more active in your plan to conceive by using ovulation predictor kits and basal body temperature charts. If those measures fail, you may feel as though another expectation about what should have worked is gone, and you can begin to have a sense of inadequacy.

As one expectation after another fails to materialize, feelings of loss and depression can begin to set in. If your friends and siblings are beginning to start their own families, it can make you feel worse about your difficulty conceiving.

For some women, feelings of depression may last for several days each month after they get their period. For others, the feelings remain, week after week. When depression gets in the way of being the person you used to be, seeing a mental health professional who specializes in reproductive issues can be very helpful.

By Babycenter

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

1st Treatment at 1st Clinic

8th of February 2010 - Me and husband went to one of the famous Gynea clinic at PJ. Nothing much on the first visit except the doctor asking what's the problem is. Then the doctor calculated the period cycle and gave ‘clomid’ and asked us to come again after my period is over. Husband was asked to do his semen analysis.

18 February – Doctor scan and seems the egg doesn't seems good. So some medicine was jab.. I'm not sure the name of the medicine. Husband’s semen analysis was good… so no problem with him.

22 February – The same scan and jab was repeated and nothing seems improving. So need to wait for my next period cycle for further checkups.

16 March – The scan was done and the egg doesn't grow much as expected and the doctor conclude that i am having poor quality of eggs. I just started to cry at that moment. I dont know what to say and how to react… then the doctor said.. everything will be ok if i follow some treatments regularly.

But we stop going to this clinic since then. Reason being, the cost was very expensive… its over RM1000 for this 4 visits and we wants to try on some second opinion.

I never thought i will have problem in conceiving... i never even imagine about it ... Maybe God has better plans for me...

Monday, November 8, 2010


As every married couple, we started our married life happily. We never plan to have a ‘planning for baby’ thing since we want it happen when God thinks the right time. Time past by… but there is no symptom of pregnancy until we reach our 3rd wedding anniversary.

So we decided to do the fertility check ups and that's how all the regular visits to clinic starts. The details of the visits will be updated in the next entry.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Welcome to the Journey

This blog is created to jot down the journey that was taken and the continuous journey to be a Mom. For some people, it is so easy and for some… it is a big challenge and i am one of them.  Been married for almost 4 years now and yet never experience the joy of pregnancy. Wishing you all a warm welcome to my journey of “Trying to Conceive”.