Exactly what's in my mind… i guess, in every infertile’s mind! Taken from a fellow blogger MissConception. I just copy paste everything from her post title ‘Relying On Science’ below.
Every infertile wishes that their baby could be conceived the old fashioned way. Intimately, in the privacy of our own home.
We hope that we are given the opportunity to make a child through love, passion, and romance. That we could bring a new life into existence the same beautiful way that all of our more fertile friends and relatives are able to.
When that option is taken away, it can be a difficult thing to swallow. The dream, although perhaps silly, has to be given up. It's hard to exchange what should be a romantic evening for a sterile room and stirrups. To accept that someone other than your husband will be physically trying to impregnate you. It feels so unfair that instead of kisses you both get a plastic cup and a catheter.
No woman wants to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for a stranger to poke and prod around their lady parts. I won't even go into the hassle of swallowing or injecting hormones, only to feel like a maniac for half of a month.
Accepting my lot in this IF journey has taken a while. I won't lie and say that I am okay with how it's all gone down. I have felt jipped and cheated out of a truly magical moment. It's taken a long time for me to come to terms that creating a child will be clinical, not the idyllic evening I dreamed it would be. For me to move on to the next stage of this journey, I had to be okay with it. I had to come to terms with the reality of our situation and push through my original plans.
And if you know me, you know that when my plans are changed I am not a happy girl.
After reading a blog by Still A Guest Room, I was able to move past my self imposed barrier. She helped me realize that even though my original dream conception did not pan out, there can still be beauty in IUI & IVF. Through a description of her experience, I feel better about what I will have to rely on to get me pregnant.
I am posting her blog below for you to read. If you are struggling with the same "letting go" issues that I was, this may help you see the intimacy in Assisted Reproduction.
The Beauty of ART
When we learn that our babies will be conceived in the doctor's office rather than the bedroom, we are disappointed. Our disappointment stems not only from the fact that we know we need medical intervention to conceive, but also from the loss of intimacy in the baby making process. Making a baby is supposed to happen in a moment of fun, passion, and love. Conception normally results from the most intimate act between a man and woman. Instead, we conceive with stirrups, catheters, and ultrasound machines. To the outside world, this method of conception appears cold, sterile, and definitely second-rate.
I had my first embryo transfer this past Sunday, and it was truly a moment of beauty. Before going into the procedure room, I was given pictures of my two embryos. I gazed at them and dreamed of the children they might become. Once I was situated on the table, my husband held my hand, and together we watched the screen as the liquid containing our two little embryos floated into my uterus. I cried, of course, and A teared up but managed to keep his composure. Then we received photos of our little ones' first few moments in their mommy. Whether we get pregnant or not, it was a moment I will always treasure. It was intimate, sweet, and potentially life-changing...everything making a baby should be.
I think that in comparing ART with "natural" conception, people often romanticize sex. But let's be honest, sex, especially sex when you're trying to conceive, is not necessarily pretty. It often includes ovulation predictor kits, making sure you use the right sexual positions, propping yourself on a pillow to avoid losing any little swimmers, or even injecting "sperm friendly" lubricant into yourself. None of these things should really be categorized as romantic. So for now, I am letting go of the sadness of having to conceive with assistance, and instead relishing in the extra moments I got with Bit and Bitty. I feel privileged to have been so intimately involved in the beginning of their precious lives.
* For now, this little blogger is considered pregnant until her BETA test proves otherwise!
I’ve learnt that, between infertiles, there is a lot of common specially anything regarding feelings. Well, sometimes its feel better to know that we are not alone.