Monday, January 31, 2011

Why?

  • Why it must be this hard to be a mom?
  • Why all i see is pregnant women who ‘accidently’ got pregnant when they don't even try?
  • Why all those who doesn't want kids blessed with kids while those who dying to have at least one doesn't even close to pregnancy? 090709-sperm-egg-02
  • Why there are lots of people still throw away their babies within the hours of the birth?
  • Why people still go for abortions??
  • Why there is no shortcuts to be pregnant for IF?
  • Why my heart is so heavy and i feel like want to cry out loud?
  • Do i really deserved this?
  • Am i being punished for all my sins?
  • Why Me?

Estimated ovulation

According to TCOYF, my estimated ovulation date for this cycle is February 4 which is my anniversary date too! 

image 

Im not in medicated cycle on this cycle, so there is no point on keeping any hope.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Clove

A friend of me said (used to be infertile too)that, those who had difficulty to get pregnant if try to recite Surah Annur – ayat 40 for 41 times and blow to the clove and eat 1 for 40 days, miracles may happen.

cloves

أَوْ كَظُلُمَـتٍ فِى بَحْرٍ لُّجِّىٍّ يَغْشَـهُ مَوْجٌ مِّن فَوْقِهِ مَوْجٌ مِّن فَوْقِهِ سَحَابٌ

ظُلُمَـتٌ بَعْضُهَا فَوْقَ بَعْضٍ إِذَآ أَخْرَجَ يَدَهُ لَمْ يَكَدْ يَرَاهَا وَمَن لَّمْ يَجْعَلِ

اللَّهُ لَهُ نُوراً فَمَا لَهُ مِن نُورٍ

Or [they are] like darknesses within an unfathomable sea which is covered by waves, upon which are waves, over which are clouds - darknesses, some of them upon others. When one puts out his hand [therein], he can hardly see it. And he to whom Allah has not granted light - for him there is no light.

 

I’ve tried it before… back in the 2009… even its not taste that good for the sake of baby… but i’m still with empty womb. Maybe the right time have not come yet.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Relying On Science

Exactly what's in my mind… i guess, in every infertile’s mind! Taken from a fellow blogger MissConception. I just copy paste everything from her post title ‘Relying On Science’ below. 

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Every infertile wishes that their baby could be conceived the old fashioned way. Intimately, in the privacy of our own home.

We hope that we are given the opportunity to make a child through love, passion, and romance. That we could bring a new life into existence the same beautiful way that all of our more fertile friends and relatives are able to.

When that option is taken away, it can be a difficult thing to swallow. The dream, although perhaps silly, has to be given up. It's hard to exchange what should be a romantic evening for a sterile room and stirrups. To accept that someone other than your husband will be physically trying to impregnate you. It feels so unfair that instead of kisses you both get a plastic cup and a catheter.

No woman wants to pay hundreds or thousands of dollars for a stranger to poke and prod around their lady parts. I won't even go into the hassle of swallowing or injecting hormones, only to feel like a maniac for half of a month.

Accepting my lot in this IF journey has taken a while. I won't lie and say that I am okay with how it's all gone down. I have felt jipped and cheated out of a truly magical moment. It's taken a long time for me to come to terms that creating a child will be clinical, not the idyllic evening I dreamed it would be. For me to move on to the next stage of this journey, I had to be okay with it. I had to come to terms with the reality of our situation and push through my original plans.

And if you know me, you know that when my plans are changed I am not a happy girl.

After reading a blog by Still A Guest Room, I was able to move past my self imposed barrier. She helped me realize that even though my original dream conception did not pan out, there can still be beauty in IUI & IVF. Through a description of her experience, I feel better about what I will have to rely on to get me pregnant.

I am posting her blog below for you to read. If you are struggling with the same "letting go" issues that I was, this may help you see the intimacy in Assisted Reproduction.

The Beauty of ART

When we learn that our babies will be conceived in the doctor's office rather than the bedroom, we are disappointed.  Our disappointment stems not only from the fact that we know we need medical intervention to conceive, but also from the loss of intimacy in the baby making process.  Making a baby is supposed to happen in a moment of fun, passion, and love.  Conception normally results from the most intimate act between a man and woman.  Instead, we conceive with stirrups, catheters, and ultrasound machines.  To the outside world, this method of conception appears cold, sterile, and definitely second-rate.

I had my first embryo transfer this past Sunday, and it was truly a moment of beauty.  Before going into the procedure room, I was given pictures of my two embryos.  I gazed at them and dreamed of the children they might become.  Once I was situated on the table, my husband held my hand, and together we watched the screen as the liquid containing our two little embryos floated into my uterus.  I cried, of course, and A teared up but managed to keep his composure.  Then we received photos of our little ones' first few moments in their mommy.  Whether we get pregnant or not, it was a moment I will always treasure.  It was intimate, sweet, and potentially life-changing...everything making a baby should be.

I think that in comparing ART with "natural" conception, people often romanticize sex.  But let's be honest, sex, especially sex when you're trying to conceive, is not necessarily pretty.  It often includes ovulation predictor kits, making sure you use the right sexual positions, propping yourself on a pillow to avoid losing any little swimmers, or even injecting "sperm friendly" lubricant into yourself.  None of these things should really be categorized as romantic.  So for now, I am letting go of the sadness of having to conceive with assistance, and instead relishing in the extra moments I got with Bit and Bitty.  I feel privileged to have been so intimately involved in the beginning of their precious lives.

* For now, this little blogger is considered pregnant until her BETA test proves otherwise!

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I’ve learnt that, between infertiles, there is a lot of common specially anything regarding feelings. Well, sometimes its feel better to know that we are not alone.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Rewards

HADITH 34

Rasulullah [Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam] said: "The woman whose three children die and she patiently bears this tragedy, in the hope of reward, will be granted jannah. One woman enquired what the reward of two children was? He replied "The same reward."

HADITH 35

One Sahabi (R.A.) enquired about the reward of one child? He replied "This also carries tremendous rewards."

HADITH 36

Rasulullah [Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam] said: "Even the miscarried foetus will drag it's mother towards jannah if she exercised patience with the hope of acquiring rewards."

 

Footnote: I never had foetus or any miscarriages and no babies… so… tiada doa dr anak2! sob sob sob.

What you will do?

I wonder how many of us (infertiles) who gone through so much and had heart aches every time getting pregnancy announcement and belly photos, one day… when finally your dream come true… will you  do the same? Getting excited at fb and will you update your big belly pic’s and ultrasound pictures?
As for me, if one day i do get pregnant, i will do one entry in blog saying that finally i’ve got a BFP and thats it. No more entries in this blog and i dont think i will update belly n ultrasound pictures in fb or even here. I do understand the feelings of those who accidently view the page and happen to be infertile too.
…and maybe i’ll write in another blog just dedicated to the baby which i will private it not for public views. anyone with me?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Feel pregnant

I’m on CD4 today yet i feel pregnant and my instinct says I'm 8 weeks pregnant now. I only wished that i should be in the list of those woman’s who still have their AF during the pregnancies. Well, i know… I’m gone insane! Cant help it anymore!

Friday, January 21, 2011

GOD has different plan…

Just back from RE’s clinic. My intention was to get the medicine’s stock for the weekend. But the doctor asked me to hold this cycle since he don't prefer us for the timely intercourse (you hear me right! its a He! Me who very particular in wanting lady doctor finally agreed for a male doctor. I am ready to do anything to be  a mom).  He want us to try IUI which according to him, IUI is the best for us.

The lab will be not ready till mid next month and he let me go home empty handed without any medicine. I’m feeling so down!

At home, i just receive another pregnancy announcement of one of DH’s cousin who just married 3 months ago.

I dont know what God actually trying to tell me…

Tears are the silent language of grief.  ~Voltaire

It’s here!

Yeay coz finally AF arrived yesterday. But Boo coz just called RE and seems that i still wont able to do IUI for this cycle because the lab is not ready yet. I have a choice now, either to try it naturally like last time or wait for another cycle.

I'm pretty sure i cant commit much on my next cycle since I've been having quite a number of training where I'll be away from home. I cant be idle doing nothing for another 2 months. So, I'm going to take all the drug’s again with whatever side effect it will be and doing it naturally. Here comes my another cycle of regular visits to RE, injections and ultrasounds.

But there is suffering in life, and there are defeats. No one can avoid them. But it’s better to lose some of the battles in the struggles for your dreams than to be defeated without ever knowing what you’re fighting for. — Paulo Coelho

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Peek-a-boo

I had my AF 1 week (CD 22) early last month and now its 4 days late and I’m already on CD 36. It always been this way... when I'm eagerly waiting for AF to show up, it wont come and when i don't want it, it will come right on time or even earlier.

I'm pretty sure i couldn't pregnant this cycle. So there is no need to do the pregnancy test.

I want the AF to come so that i can continue the treatment but there is not sign of AF coming anyway. Its playing peek-a-boo with me! I hate this!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Twins

Few days ago, i was already sleeping and DH comes and talking to me… he was telling me about what he watched at National Geography about there is one village where, almost everyone getting twins. Not only the native ppl but also those who moved down to that village, also getting twins within the first yr of their stay.

Scientist thought it must be the water or the foods that the villagers taking but there is no significant proof for this hypothesis.

Well, the village is in Kerala, India and the majority were Muslims and the village is now called as Twin Town!

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Twin town: The Indian village where there are 220 sets of twins has doctors baffled

By Daily Mail Reporter
Last updated at 4:31 PM on 15th July 2009

Baffled doctors are trying to unravel the mystery of an Indian village boasting more than 220 sets of twins born to just 2,000 families.

Experts who have visited the remote tropical village of Kodinhi, in Kerala, have been left scratching their heads over the phenomenon that has seen almost six times as many twins born than the global average.

In 2008 alone 15 pairs of twins were born in the village out of 300 healthy deliveries and this year is expected to top that number.

 

Twins walking down a street in the village of Kodinhi.The village of Kodinhi in the Malapuram district of the Southern state of Kerala allegedly has more than 220 pairs of twins

In the last five years alone up to 60 pairs of twins have been born - with the rate of twins increasing year-on-year.

Local doctor and twin enthusiast Dr Krishnan Sribiju has been studying the medical marvel of Kodinhi for the past two years.

Although 220 sets of twins have been officially registered in the village Dr Sribiju believes the real number to be far higher.

'In my medical opinion there are around 300 to 350 twins within the village boundaries of Kodinhi,' he said.

'What is fascinating is the increasing numbers of twins with each passing year, so much so that I feel in the past ten years the number of twins in Kodinhi has doubled.'  

Top twins town: Baseera & Bashila Basheer. (L-R Middle row) Reshna & Rafna Kareem, Suhaila & Sahala. (L-R Front row) Reshna & Rafna Kareem, Husain & Hasan Sulaiman

According to villagers, the twin phenomenon only started occurring three generations ago. Dr Sribiju can barely contain his excitement discussing the possible scientific implications of the village.

'To the best of my knowledge this medical marvel began somewhere between 60 to 70 years ago.

'Without access to detailed biochemical analysis equipment I cannot say for certain what the reason for the twinning is, but I feel that it is something to do with what the villagers eat and drink.

'If that is the case then maybe whatever is causing this exceptional level of twinning can be bottled and provide help for infertile couples.'   Categorising the twin phenomenon as a naturally occurring anomaly, Dr Sribiju has ruled out genetic factors as the cause due to the localised nature of the village.

He also dismisses any suggestion that the unusual level of twins could be caused by an unknown pollutant pointing to the high number of healthy twins born without any deformities.

'There are lots of reasons for twins, but let me explain the underlying uniqueness of Kodinhi,' said Dr Sribiju, 40.

 

Paired up: 78 pairs of twins(156) out of a total of 178 people (22 parents holding their children) in this group photograph taken at the Goverment upper primary school

'The number of twins per thousand here is around 45 per 1,000 births.

'Indian, and by that I mean Asian, people on the sub-continent have the lowest acknowledged incidences of twinning in the world at around four per thousand.

'In addition, there is no IVF treatment here because of the prohibitive cost. Global rates of twins being born, especially in the western world, have increased because of artificial insemination.

'Also, twins are born usually to older, more mature women. In Kodinhi that is not the case because marriage happens much younger here at around 18-20 years old and families begin very soon after.

'Another factor that bucks the trend is that twins occur in women who are generally over 5ft 3in in height. The height of women in Kodinhi is around 5ft on average.'  

The residents of Kodinhi, which is in the lush state of Kerala in the south of India, have even taken to calling their home 'twin town' and have gone as far as to set up the Twins and Kin Association (TAKA).

 

Amazing: Shahala & Shahana Ashraf

'TAKA has been set up to register and provide support for the twins of Kodinhi and their families,' said Puallani Bhaskaran, 50, the association's president and the proud father of twin boys.

'Understandably for such a significant minority in the community we feel that it is only sensible to club together to make sure that there is a focal point for the twins of Kodinhi to come to.

'Twins are financially a strain and also they are medically complicated for mothers to bear.

'TAKA can educate and support the villagers because here we have so many more twins than elsewhere.'  

Counting more than 220 pairs of twins ranging from 65 years to one month as registered members - with another 30 applications pending - TAKA's total membership exceeds 600 when parents are included.

'I began planning for this association in July 2008 and formalised it in December of last year,' said Mr Bhaskaran.

'The twins of Kodinhi should be united so that they can find out why they are here.'   However, for the twins of Kodinhi, life is lived with double takes and stares which eventually become common place.

'When I was at primary school I attended with around 30-40 other twins,' said Anu Bhaskaran, 16, who is the son of TAKA's president.

'It feels special to be part of something so unique, but the most satisfying thing about being a twin is tricking your friends and teachers,' said his brother Abhi.

With the majority of twins in Kodinhi being of the identical kind and the fact that a large percentage are under the age of twenty, the potential for mischief is enormous.

'We always find the teachers mix us up,' said five-year-old Shahala, who attends the local primary school in Kodinhi.

'Sometimes when we are feeling naughty we try and swap classes to confuse people,' said sister Shahana.

Citing the immense scientific implications should Kodinhi's secret be discovered, Dr Sribiju is currently trying to assemble the research support he needs to delve deeper into the twin town of Kodinhi.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1180544/Twin-town-The-Indian-village-220-sets-twins-doctors-baffled.html#ixzz1B9ixxsf8

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Now im thinking to shift there….! Anyone wants to join me?

Friday, January 14, 2011

Huh!

My head spinning when i read through a journey of another infertile soul who gone through 4 IUI’s and 9 IVF’s. I cant continue to read her story… im stunned! I wonder how strong she is and i dont even able to imagine myself in her shoes and im not sure whether will i be continue treatment to that extend.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Being Strong

You never know how

strong you are,

until

being strong

is

the ONLY choice

you have.

-Cayla Mills

Monday, January 10, 2011

Weak

I never thought i could be so weak and green with envy on what others has. Just looked at one of a ‘friend’ picture holding her beautiful kids and all was smiling wide. Instead of happy for their happy family… the feeling of ‘life is not fair’ conquer everything. I hope i can be more stronger and wise…

Weird

Its kinda weird when i don't take any medicine… including the folic acid everyday since my AF starts last month where i decided to “take rest” and now i am too eager to AF to show up so that i can continue the treatment no matter what is the outcome will be.

Well, my mind never took rest anyway!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Hold it together

 

Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Pregnancy Tester

Early years in my married life, i used to buy pregnancy tester … and i always get the negative answer. When been getting BFN (–ve) back to back, finally i decided not to buy it anymore and i have one balance which i bought 2 years back.

Recently check the expiry date and its about to due and i just used it when I'm on my period… reason being, i know the result will be BFN after all :) So, no more disappointment.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Jealous

#816 Your dog is pregnant? Yup...Still jealous


It's strange. You would never describe yourself as a jealous person. A woman could flirt with your husband and you're mildly flattered. Your friend gets a great promotion and you're genuinely happy for her.
But when someone gets pregnant, whether a friend or a complete stranger, you're jealous, evil side emerges.


It doesn't even matter who it is. You're completely envious of all your pregnant friends but you are also jealous of complete strangers on the street, Facebook friends from your past, your parents friend's children, and anyone else who happens to walk by you that could look pregnant. Good lord, they don't even have to be pregnant to get your jealousy started - you are jealous even if they seem to have an unconfirmed belly budge or if their television character is pregnant. You would even be jealous of a woman who got pregnant knowing that she suffered through years of infertility treatments. You would be jealous if you're dog was having puppies, Mertie, the bird, got pregnant or even if a cartoon character was expecting. Damm you Marge Simpson! You never had infertility problems with Bart, Lisa or Maggie! You were jealous of the pregnant "man" and wished you could be the Octomom too.


Wow. Bubbles, your goldfish, is having babies. Yup... Still jealous.

Taken from : 999 Reasons to laugh at infertility

Good Bye 2010

Its 4th January today and finally i am able to write to this blog. Another year has gone without any sign of baby coming up. It was a tough year.

  • At least i know what's the problem that I'm having and finally found out that it is recoverable using some medicines.
  • The first time in my life visited doctor as many times in a month/year
  • The highest number of injectables taken in my entire life so far
  • The more i try to hide… the more it feelings was shown up in my face even without me saying out a word.
  • Surrounded with mommies and mommies to be most of the time and need to react that i am as normal as them.
  • Those who married after me, blessed with at least 2 kids.
  • Those who just married, got pregnant with less than 3 months they got married.

Well, there’s lot more to mention… but its better for me to stop it now. No resolutions for this new year… just wanna take life as it comes.